Dance of Fate

Chapter Sixty Four

I hadn't let myself imagine it. Imagine the moment I would see the magnificent starlit sky of Velaris, smell the brine of the Sidra, hear the sounds of laughter through the streets. Wake up in my own bed at the town house.

It was all the same. Even the remaining damage from the attack was gone. It was like it had always been, a city of glittering lights and art and joy. My room was the same, too. Untouched. As if no one had gone into it since I had left. It was all the same.

I was the one that was different.

I hadn't seen anyone. I'd been unconscious when we'd flown into Pythian, and had slipped in and out while Madja had tended to my back. And then I'd been out again. But I knew they were now all here, even if I couldn't hear them. All waiting.

I wanted to see them. I wanted to go back to what it was like before. But I couldn't do it. I knew I wouldn't be able to look them in the eyes, not after all I had done. Whether I had been under the control of the Cauldron or not, I had slaughtered thousands. I'd nearly destroyed an entire city.

How was it fair that I got to go back home, after everything I'd done? Now that so many people would never see theirs because of me?

I sighed, the morning sun warm against my cold skin. How many times had I wished I was on this very balcony, looking out at the beautiful city of Velaris? How many times had I prayed to see my home one last time? To get another moment with the people I loved?

And now that I had it, I couldn't bring myself to even see them.

I couldn't bring myself to be the person I used to be. I didn't know how.

But gods, I loved this place. Even if I didn't deserve to ever see it again.

I felt that invisible pull on my soul a moment before I heard the knock on the door. I turned away from the city, turned away from all I felt.

Azriel walked in, forcing a strained smile as he looked at me. I couldn't help but notice that he didn't quite meet my eyes.

"You should be in bed." He said by way of greeting. I clenched my hands into fists until my nails dug into my palms, the light sting of pain reminding me I wasn't dreaming. Azriel seemed to be thinking the same. He watched me carefully, as if I would disappear at any moment.

"I feel fine." I told him. My voice came out flatter than I intended. Azriel's face revealed nothing, though there was a sea of sadness in his eyes, one only I ever saw. One that I was the cause of. It killed me, to know all the pain I had caused him. The pain I knew I would surely continue to cause him.

But I didn't say any of that. I looked away from him, pinning my gaze upon a spot on the wall. Azriel didn't speak, and the silence between us was so thick I wondered how we had ended up here again. I wondered if he saw through me, saw the shattered and worthless soul beneath my skin.

"They're here." Azriel finally said, his voice low and soft.

I closed my eyes, breathing in his scent. It was a comfort I had forced myself to forget, somehow.

"I know." I breathed. I didn't think I would be able to explain it. Even to him. How could I tell him that saving me from Hybern had been pointless? That I wasn't worth saving anymore?

"Asteria," Azriel whispered, his voice soft and pleading. It was enough for me to open my eyes and turn to him. "You don't have to see anyone yet. Not until you're ready."

I couldn't fathom how he understood me so well. How he saw everything I felt, understood every one of my thoughts without me telling him.

"I'm sorry." I said, my traitorous voice breaking. Azriel was upon me in an instant, taking my face in his scarred hands.

"Don't be. They'll understand." I nodded, leaning into his touch. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that that wasn't the only thing I was sorry about. That I was sorry for lying to him. For betraying him, for tarnishing the vows we'd sworn.

Had he waited for me? He'd never taken off the ring. He'd gone after me. Had he been waiting for me to come back all this time?

I'd never intended to come back to him.

How could I look him in the eye when I had decided that it was better if we never saw each other again? When I had pushed him away and betrayed him and ruined him in every way that I could?

He'd still held on. He'd still waited.

"You need to rest." Azriel whispered, his hands still cupping my face. I nodded, letting him gently lead me to the bed. I laid down on my side, my back throbbing in pain. Azriel sat beside me, one of his hands still laying against my skin.

"Stay." I said before I could think of what I was asking, my voice hardly more than a pleading breath. I didn't take it back, though. 

Azriel said nothing, but lay down next to me carefully. I let him pull my body against his, burying my face into his chest, the sound of his heart beating coursing through my body. His hand stroked through my hair, the soothing touch the last thing I deserved.

Yet I let him give me what I did not worthy of, because I would die without it.

...

Azriel held perfectly still as Asteria breathed softly in his arms. He didn't dare fall asleep, even though it had been hours since she had.

He was terrified that if he did, she would be gone when he woke up.

He'd thought that the fear would be gone once she was back in his arms. But even now that she was, fear had a suffocating grip on him so tight he could hardly breathe.

How could he know that he wouldn't lose her again?

She had left him. As much as he hated the thought, it was the truth. He knew she'd done it to save them. He loved her for it. But he was terrified of her selflessness. He'd always been.

But now he knew that he couldn't live without her. He'd been forced to do so twice already. But those fifty years without her were nothing compared to the months when she was in Hybern.

Because she'd willingly left him the second time. She'd made that choice. She'd put Azriel through the worst torture of his life.

How could the thing he loved the most be the biggest source of his pain? The biggest source of his fear?

He wished he could forget it. Wished they could move past it, that they could go back to being what they used to be.

But he couldn't forget the fact that she had broken her promise. She'd told him she wouldn't leave him again. Told him she wouldn't do anything reckless right before the throne room.

Yet she had. She had left him. She'd broken his cold heart, and torn his world apart.

And he had no way of being sure she wouldn't do it again. He knew the guilt she felt. Knew she would do anything to make up for all of the lives she'd taken against her will. And Asteria had the power to win them this war, at the cost of her own life.

She'd promised him she wouldn't do it. But Azriel couldn't trust her vows anymore.

He wouldn't survive it. If she left him again, if he had to live without her for one more second...

He wouldn't survive it.

...