I'd Like to be Somebody Else

Chapter 49

When I got home my life immediately became mundane. I had to launder my suitcase of clothes and caught up with Peggy.

"So what's my lads been doing?" She asked.

I knew Liam would have phoned Peggy already. I didn't know what he talked to her about because he never told her about anything that happened.

"Liam's only been out of Manchester for a few days, hasn't he?" I laughed. "He's just doing the festival gig, being a bit annoying, you know. Noel's been keeping me in line, working hard on his career." I said not really knowing what to say.

"Have you needed keeping in line?" she asked, I'd forgotten she knew about my past behaviour thanks to my stupidity at Christmas.

"Being pregnant is making me weird, crying, thinking small things are the end of the world. He's just had to bring me back down to earth, kind of thing." I explained, not prepared to discuss the whole truth.

"What small things?"

"Er, when I was told I wasn't going with them this time."

"Yeah? What did he do?"

"Well, he lied and said he'd overrule the decision but if I'm honest I'm glad to be home now, it'd be too hot for me traveling in Europe."

"You two didn't fecking fight about it, did you?"

I wondered what he'd told her for her to ask that.

"No, no, we sort of fought at the baby scan and fell out for a few hours but we didn't fight about touring." I admitted.

"Why are you so against knowing the baby's sex?"

I sighed. "I'm really scared the more I know the more likely it is to have something go wrong. I want the baby to be mine, just mine." I confessed.

"You can't think like that, it's not healthy, love." She shook her head. "You don't need to protect it from Noel or anyone else. We're all here for you and the baby."

The truth was I'd had Billy taken from my care and I was scared if I let anyone else be involved it would happen to this one too. It was so irrational but I couldn't open up to anyone about it.

"I know. I know I've got no reason to try to keep the baby anyone especially Noel. He's doing everything he can to prove to himself, he's not going to be his Dad."

"I carried Liam knowing what Tommy was like, I had a good idea how he'd be brought up. You don't fecking have that experience and I hope you never do."

I always let their childhoods slip my mind or at least the part that involves him. They'd revealed very little about the abuse, preferring to talk about the good times if they had to talk about their youth at all.

"I'm so sorry." I didn't know what else I could say.

She had, had it much worse than anything I'd experienced and here I was being selfish again when I had no real reason to be.

"Don't be, love. Could have been worse." She gave a reassuring smile. "What have you got planned while you're back here?"

I hadn't actually thought about it at all, I just wanted to pass the time until Noel and Liam got back. "Work and visit people, maybe prepare stuff for the baby?" I suggested.

"Er, where's the baby going to be living?"

It was something else we hadn't discussed, I was beginning to realise we weren't at the right time of our lives for a baby. Noel hadn't been capable of thinking of much else than the music since I met him and the more popular they got, the more pressure he was to keep it up. I on the other hand couldn't support myself without them but still I did my best (or worst) to ruin everything.

"I don't know whether Noel would rather raise it in London or up here."

"What do you want?"

"You know I'd rather rather be here with your support. I can't do it alone down London but he likes it down there."

"I wouldn't expect you to try raising a baby so far from your friends and family."

She should be mad at us, we weren't married (in fact I'd been "engaged" to Liam twice more than I had to Noel) and as far as I knew he wasn't going to propose, he could be doing anything now that I'm not there.

I felt guilty for thinking he would cheat when he never had or he'd just been clever enough to hide it. Anything he did, I would have to forgive because he forgave me and I was still keeping so much more from him. I'd never felt so insecure.

...

I went back to work at the Nag's Head that evening, I went in order to see Mike rather than to do a shift. I pulled people's pints and chatted.

It felt quite good to be normal again. Here I wasn't just Stacy, friend of Oasis. I was just Stacy, the barmaid, it was much less interesting but it was mine. I hoped I wouldn't have to talk much about Oasis or the baby. I actually wanted to small talk.

"How have you and the lads been?" Mike asked.

"Really good, thanks. What have I missed here?"

"It's been wall to wall parties." he smiled as I looked around the same old, quiet pub.

I remembered telling Noel something similar when he'd left me in London for an American tour. "How's things been, living the jetset lifestyle?"

"Great, the fast lane great." I nodded. "But I wanted one of these more." I put my hand on my belly.

Some people sat close enough to hear offered their congratulations. "You've not been gone that long, have you?" he asked, astonished.

"I've been gone nearly seven months and I'm fourteen weeks."

"Oh." He thought I wasn't fourteen weeks. "Do you know what you're having yet?"

"Just a baby." I grinned.

"I know how to tell if it's a boy or a girl." a woman in her fifties said, she was like Peggy except I like Peggy.

She got a wedding ring to swing over my bump insisting the way it was swinging. She was convinced from that, that I was having a girl. Apparently I looked more like I was carrying a boy though.

"We'll see when they're born." I shrugged, I was very sceptical about these old wives' tales.

She kept giving me all sorts of outdated tips (that I didn't want or need) about pregnancy and raising a child.

"Y'know we're going to have to discuss maternity leave. I'm going to have to look it up and everything." Mike told me right at the end of the shift.

"No, no. You don't need to pay me when I'm not working. I just disappeared for seven months, you don't owe me anything."

"You were still my employee. I think it's the law."

"I was employed by Noel when I got pregnant, not you. Which I never signed a contract for either job. I'm not taking maternity leave wages off you."