I'd Like to be Somebody Else

Chapter 66

On the tenth, touring started yet again. Their first gig was in the Netherlands and then on to Germany.

I didn't want Noel to go. He was so good with Jimmyi, he was the one who got him to sleep without fail, he was the one who could do everything the baby needed with his eyes shut but he had to go. He had to assure me it wasn't long, at all, this time.

...

"Hello?" Liam answered, I didn't know who was going to the phone but I was happy it was him. "Can't talk, we've got to go. Utrecht is waiting."

"Please Liam, I need you." I sobbed. "I can't do it, he won't stop crying, I just want him to fuck off!"

He stayed quiet, collecting his thoughts. "If I could get the next flight home I would, like that." he clicked his fingers. "But I don't need to because I know you can do it. I believe in you."

"I can't! Noel can do everything, he wants Noel. He won't stop crying. He won't even feed... I think I've stopped producing milk."

I hadn't had a good day, at all. I couldn't cope with Jimmyi on my own.

"We both know Noel is a lazy cunt, it was you that was doing everything, not him and I'm no expert but I know your tits are perfect, they can't have gone dry in a day." he tried to assure me, calmly.

"Why is he being like this then? Why is he being so difficult for me? I questioned. "It's supposed to be perfect, it's not, it's just shit. I've failed, I can't look after him."

He sighed. "Talk to Mam and Kenzie and Kate. Tell them how you feel and they'll help you. I know you're a good Mum and you'll get through this."

"What's the fucking hold up? We will leave you here." I heard Noel shout, irritated and impatient.

"I've got to go, I love you. We'll be back before you know it." Liam told me before putting the phone down.

...

I was still distraught and Jimmyi was still screaming when Peggy got home.

"What's the matter, Love?" she asked softly as she put her arm around me and rubbed my arm.

"Nothing I do will make him stop. I really can't care for him. I don't know what he wants." I admitted. "Noel does but he's not here."

"Have you eaten today?"

I shook my head. "Neither of us have."

"Okay, I'll take him upstairs, see if I can sort him out. You calm down and I'll make us some dinner." she said authoritatively.

"He's got a lovely nursery, you are allowed to let him sleep in there." She told me when she got back down. "Babies can sense when their mother is upset so you two got yourselfs into a bit of a fecking vicious circle today."

She went into the kitchen and brought sandwiches though, saying she'd make us some proper dinner later.

"Sorry I had to work on your first day with Noel away, I should've been here to support you." she said as she sat down.

"I should have been able, he's my son." I picked up a sandwich. "I failed him."

"Stacy, it's okay to have a bad day, raising a baby is hard, it's really difficult but it gets easier." she told me as I ate. "You haven't failed him, when he wakes up and sees his calm, happy Mammy he'll want his dinner and everything will be normal again."

I took a deep breath and decided to admit the truth, like Liam told me to. "It doesn't feel anything like it should. I love Jimmyi and I'd never hurt him but... I don't want him. I can't be his Mum."