I'd Like to be Somebody Else

Chapter 2

      I woke up early the next morning. I felt guilty and selfish, knowing how close I'd come to trying to kill myself.

    The lads' Mum knocked and entered the room. I sat up and tried to hide that I was tearing up, I didn't want her to .

 "Are you alright?" she asked passing me a cup of tea.

 "Thanks." I curled my fingers around the cup. "My boyfriend, Luke died. I can't stop thinking about him." I admitted.

 "Oh I'm sorry." she put her arms around me. "What happened?"

 "Car crash, a few weeks ago. He was recovering and then his heart just gave in." I explained.

 "I'm sorry." she repeated quietly. "You were heading to Newcastle last night, was he a Geordie?" she asked trying to get me to open up to her.

 "No, I was kind of running away for a day or two." I confessed. "I'm sorry I lied." I looked down.

 "I know it's tough, it makes me want to protect my three forever. Especially Liam, he's so young and he always looking for or getting into trouble." she sighed. "You need to go home to your family, you need to be with them." she got up and left the room to get ready for work.

    She was right, I needed to be with my family, be honest with them about how I was feeling. They seemed to be getting on with their lives and I couldn't stand it. Life was forced to go on, it was time for me to start living again.

    I just sat on the bed, staring at the wall, it was white but it felt like it and everything else would fade to black. The tea went cold without me even considering trying it. I just wasn't thirsty or hungry anymore.

...

    A while later Liam walked in yawning, he was wearing only dark boxer shorts and dark socks. His hair was a right mess.

    My boyfriend always walked around like that in the morning.

 "D' you want breakfast?" he asked before stretching in a yawn.

 "No thanks, I'm really not hungry." I couldn't remember the last time I was or the last time I ate a proper meal.

 "I make great cereal, you'll be missing out." he smiled.

 "I really don't feel like eating but thanks."

 "D' you mind if I sit with you while I eat?"

    I stared at him for a minute.

 "Okay, I could do with the company."

    He came back with two bowls filled with corn flakes.

 "I brought you a bowl, I know how you like to change your mind." he passed it to me.

 "Liam! I didn't change my mind." I tried to sound offended at him making light of my suicide attempt.

 "Don't eat 'em then." he smirked. "When are you going and where?" he filled his mouth with corn flakes.

    I was surprised about how direct he was with everything.

 "I was kind of hoping I could stay in Manchester. I guess I'll have to look for somewhere to live and a job and stuff. I don't know what to do Liam, I really don't."

    Manchester was far enough from home that I could go back if I was ever ready to, I wasn't ready think about doing anything.

 "Ha jobs, good luck with that. You're talking to someone who's been on the dole for over a year. Obviously we don't tell them we sometimes work with our dad but there's nothing around here."

 "Oh what if I've just graduated as a doctor or something." I tried to outsmart him.

 "Not old enough." he quickly replied and then scooped some corn flakes as a reward.

    I started to eat mine, it felt too rude not to.

 "Why do you and Noel share if this room is free?" I asked to distract from my limited job prospects. I had a job in a hairdresser's that I hated, I had no career prospects.

 "Paul left when Noel was on tour, we haven't had chance to fight out who gets this room." he reasoned.

 "Do you two fight a lot?"

 "It's mostly play fights or just arguing like you saw, don't you have brothers or sisters?"

 "Well I sort of have a little brother, he's six." Thinking of him just filled my heart with more pain. "Did you really think Noel took your bike?"

 "No I was just mad and we used to nick loads of bikes and stuff." he finished the cereal and drank the milk, making me cringe. "How can you "sort of" have a brother?"

    I didn't have to lie to him like I did everyone else. "He's my son, my parents adopted him."

 "You have a six year old son? How?"

 "Well when two people get together sometimes the stork gets the wrong message and delivers a bundle of joy a while, say nine months later."

 "Oi! I mean you're like twenty now, right? What the fuck were you doing having a baby six years ago?"

 "I'm twenty one. My dad had this young bricklayer doing some work. I don't know. He was nice, I fancied him and one day we were left while Dad and the other builders went to buy stuff..." I didn't want to think about him either, he meant nothing to me.

 "What was he doing, shagging a kid?" he interrupted, sounding disgusted.

 "I wasn't a kid. I was fourteen, he was nineteen."

 "Oh right, I'm nineteen. I can go and pick up a bird from the local comprehensive, can I?"

    It sounded wrong when he put it like that "No, it wasn't like that." I objected.

 "That's exactly what it was like. How'd people react?"

 "My parents decided to keep it secret, make him their baby not mine. They kept acting like he'd forced me but it really wasn't like that at all. If anything he wasn't that interested."

 "Don't know about that dick but I know I've never fucked someone I didn't want to fuck." he commented. "How d'you think the kid would feel if you'd jumped?"

 "I don't know, I wasn't thinking about him or anyone but myself."

 "Can't imagine having to raise a kid as my brother when he's mine. That must fucking hurt."

 "Yeah it does, all the time."

 "Right I'm going to get dressed and get the lazy git up. Don't be tempted to jump out the window, you'll only hurt your legs." Insensitive git. "I was in a cast for weeks last time."

    He left again taking his bowl with him.

    I couldn't believe how nice the family were when they could have left me to it. I needed them so much and I didn't know how I could ever repay them.

    I finished the corn flakes, leaving the excess milk. I felt a bit better with food in my stomach. I realised it was the first thing I'd eaten and enjoyed since Luke died.