Fated Or Doomed

Cosmic Answer

         
          Liv
         
          I can't count the days anymore. I can't sleep without the pain hitting. Flashes of  memories that would be stolen from me. I stay and never move. Constant arguments with Connie. Most times I ignore her and close my eyes. I couldn't bare to leave this place. There was no where for me to go.
         
          After dragging my feet I take a hot shower until the water over me turns to icy drips. I brush my hair and avoid looking myself in the mirror. I don't recognize myself.
         
            I dress quickly and sit by the counter. I try to make a simple toast to eat. But my energy died out. My one goal for today was to make calls, reply to emails, and continue my study.
         
          I need answers. Sooner the better.
         
          I lay my head down and stare at the wall. I hear Connie return home. And I flash a quick smile to her. She say words and I don't listen. I see her getting frustrated and I turn my head away.
         
          A few hours goes by and now i'm laying on the couch. Still in the battle of never getting a chance to fulfill a dream I never thought I wanted. One that I have crave more each day with my mate.
         
          "Aunt Mable calling." Connie says.
         
          "I'm busy."
         
          I didn't want to be bother as I drown myself in sorrow I created. I was birth in sorrow, raise in sorrow, died in sorrow, and birth again in sorrow. Only to continue my sorrow in a grave of pain I cause. For what? Because I love a alpha more than dying.
         
          "Elizabeth catch!" She yelled.
         
          "Connie i'm not.."
         
          "Just catch bitch!!" She shouted at me.
         
          I turns to catch a large Labradorite crystal. And right away I knew what she had done.
          "Fuck sakes." Fading away I knew. When Connie smile begin to fade away I was drifted off to goddess know where.
         
          In quick sight i'm in an olde single home kitchen. I never been here before. It had a tradition style look to it. I stood there looking around and turn when I hear laughter and a door open.
         
          "Ah you are very skill and.." her eyes light up to see me. As if she didn't knew I was coming.
         
          Mable smile and whisper to her male friend that stood at the doorway behind her. He wore a long robe to cover his nude body. "Dinner later?" He ask her. She nods and he kisses her cheek. The man grabs his stuff and leave the tiny home.
         
          Mable is fully dress and walks aside me to make some tea. I glare at her. "Does Danny know about your male.."
         
          "No no no. Don't start with the Danny thing with me. This call is about you and what you are putting poor Tra.." waving her finger at me.
         
          "Oh and Danny isn't back home.."
         
          She pouted hard at me. I bite my tonuge. I'm aware of their relationship as not an relationship. At least not when she wants it to be.
         
          "I been calling Elizabeth."
         
          "Yeah you and everyone." I sigh.
         
          Mable finish making the tea's and gestures for me to sit. I do so and pushes my cup away.
         
          "We need to talk dear. And not no nonsense I been hearing from your friends. I need you to tell me whats going on?"
         
          "Its my problem. So you can say the word and let me out this magical bubble so I can keep fixing my shit."
         
          Mable hated the facetime calls. She believed to just see the person. So while she away AGAIN. She does an old school magic facetime. Allowing us to spiritual being with each other to speak. It seem to be her only option since I been ignoring everyones calls and text.
         
          All her I would allow this.
         
          "No I never been the one to meddle but this is different." She says.
         
          "You been alive for years and you think this isn't meddling. Mable." I chuckle. "Your meddling."
         
          She hums and ignores my comment. "What do you need dear?"
         
          Again I chuckle. "You called me."
         
          "I'm gonna ask you again. What do you need Elizabeth?" She said more firmly now.
         
          I see on her face. She wasn't gonna let me go unless I talk. So I sigh. "Where do I start beside telling you I broke my love for them so they can love someone else. Someone better."
         
          Mable pushes my tea back to me. And I take it in my hand. I held the warmth it gave me. "And the reason for it?"
         
          I explain everything that had happen. All the meetings. Everything said and done. Crushed dreams. Deserve ending in my failure once again. My bond with Travis. And even told her the times I revisited my mind to seek answers. She wasn't happy about that one.
         
          "It was the only option I had. I need to leave so I can get the answers that they needed. And if I can't do what they need from me. Then I don't deserve them. The pack or my mate." I sip my tea. "This will help them move on when I most likely fail again in life. Right?"
         
          Mable smiles at me. "What did you wanted?"
          Was that even a question?
          "I want them happy. I want them to have everything. I don't want them to give none of it up just because of me."
         
          "Do you love them? Not bond love. Before that. Do you love them enough to accept the world they offer you? As they accepted yours?"
         
          I blankly look at her.
          "Was there any reason in their love that said if you can't over power as this luna that their leave you? Or if you can't produce a heir that their go off and find someone who will? Did they ever said that if you can't that they will hand you back your love and ask theirs in return?"
         
          My head fumble down. "Dear I know some questions you ask for seem blankly dull because of everyhting around you, I know its hard to see more than a dim of lit. But it only gets better from here. You can't walk away before you are truly happy."
         
          Of all people to bring me out my crap. Mables words of wise helps. A bit. It at least had me thinking.
         
          "My happines is their happiness. But that also means my destruction is theirs too. I can't do that to them." A shiver of sadness creep in my belly.
         
          "Elizabeth life is full of destructions. And the life we have and the world you have been in. You seen and battle in it already. You've shown remarkable steps in doing so. You had no problem in that." She gaves me this sweet old Mable look. Making me hold my tears from falling.
         
          "He is your light Elizabeth. And you are is peace. We all have darkness. Fear that our failures or flaws will take it away. But it is us who can take it away. And right now. You took Travis and Malcolms peace away. You took your own light away."
         
          It hurt more to hear the trutrh she says. But I couldn't fully accept it. I need proof and I had none.
         
          "I can't go back and give them nothing in return." I shake my head. "I will go back once I have something. At least finding out if I can have kids. At least one chance."
         
          Mable stood up and goes to her coffee table. She grabs a few things and return. She places a file on the table as flips it open. We read along stories and many cases of mix mating. Many of these cases I have already read. I gave even spoken to the lost ones. No one of these gave me an answer.
         
          "I know it be easy to just get tested. But I have. I didn't tell them." Mable widen her eyes. "She says everything is fine. Others say the same. I question the films and they all say I CAN. And my worries are nothing. But I have this feeling that their wrong. And we'll go decades to centuries in trying and never having pups. Or maybe I can only birth witches and warlocks. It will still end his line as alpha." You hear my voice change from the fear I let my lips apart.
         
          "You have the hopes dear. She should take that in. Your only afraid of what everyone else is. We all are scared we can't do something even when its lable as normal."
         
          "Nothing about me is normal. What makes you think I can?" Frowning my brows deeply at her.
         
          "Because he loves you and you love him." She grins.
         
          "Love can't give me the answers to get the rumors to stop. It can't make the impossible possible." I go to sip my tea and a pit hits. I seat it down and push the cup to the side.
         
          "Elizabeth you'll never be happy until you forget everyone else. Someone out there will always have a problem with it. Your love with Travis is rare." This coming from a person who doesn't believe in romance and shit.
         
          "I know you two can make it through anything. I seen it in both your eyes. And when you two look in each others. Wow Elizabeth just a cosmic power you two have."
         
          "Its kills Mable. My love will kill. My mother had it. I was born with it and touch it. I just kill."
         
          Mable sees how I have lost the hope. She continues to try to boots me up. But I never give her the glance. There was just one way and this wasn't it.
          "I hope you stop the meddling you cause yourself. It would only drain you and soon you'll lose years over it. I want you to have the mate love I believe you can. The life you are meant to have. With Travis."
         
          "I do too Mable. And after my time I hope I still can. Thats my hope. My only hope." I say this with ambition.
         
          She stood up and offers me a hug. And I stand to decline nicely. She pouts and nods her head. Seeing as I am unaffectionate right now.
         
          "If I hear anything from anyone. I will call you dear."
         
          I nod to say thank you. But she continue to speak. "Know this my goblin. Even with no record of cross breeding. And only death to come from even trying. No record for even mates being beside their own kind. Doesn't mean you can't. You should try. The universe had done something magical. I can feel it all around you two. It be a battle as any love will. But try Elizabeth. You have so many people around to help you through all the mess. You may never know unless you try."
         
          Mable wanted me to give it all up and be with Travis. Connie said the same. And I wanted to but my head fills with this dread of questions. And the thoughts of arguing with them about it aches me. Over time the pity of losing them hits and I continue to search and feed over my obsession.
         
          "I'm trying now Mable. I'm trying."
         
          Mable tell me to just walk out the door and I shall return back to Connies. I grunt at the simple exit and wave again. As I walk in a black space I am tranfer back in the apartment. I sigh and stare at the crystal.
         
          "Nice chat?" I look up to see Connie leaning over her kitchen counter. Her expression read concern and hope.
         
          I nod and handle her the crystal back. "I need a blood bag so I can work."
         
          I hear Connie sigh in an unsatisfied way. I didn't care though. I just need to keep working so one day I can look my mate again in the eyes and say I found them. That we can make it work and never leave each other side unless its death. I don't want to have to look for the unmark plan. I knew that pain will kill us both.
         
          But if I have to. It be better to do it sooner than later. They need a luna soon. My present has disturbed too much already.
         
          In this time I spend days after days lock away in Connie's. Making calls and asking for help from older witches in the topic. I get recommended books and mythical tales. Unknown prophecy's. Even the many list of creatures to have psychic powers for foretelling. Even other realms genies. Over all i'm lead to fae's and dead ends over that days.
         
          I try as Mable says and keept trying. Hoping to return one day to my mates arms.
         
          One day my sweet wolf. I will be back. In peace I hope."
         
          After a week or so since my leave, nothing has change but the pain lingering on. I miss my sweet wolf so much. But if I can't give them what they need then I don't deserve to have them at all. I haven't own the right to be selfish like that.
         
          "Hey Liv! You want to.." Connie words drifted off when she see me staring blankly at the computer. "Any good news?"
         
          "If there were. I would be heading home. To have a life with them. But.." I sigh as I shake off the disappointment.
         
          "Why don't you come out and have lunch with some of my classmates." She asked.
         
          I close the laptop and headed to the bed. "I'm okay here. You go on."
         
          Connie sat next to me. Combing my hair out my face. The grooming feels nice.  Ut not better than theirs.
          "Some sun will do you some good." I shake my head no.
         
          She grabs my arm and shakes me. I hardly look up at her. "Come one girl. Get out the house. It will change things. Your mood and maybe you can even answer Travis's many many text."
         
          "What fucking good do I have to fucking tell them. Huh?" I shouted as I push her off of me. "I have nothing to return to them. If your tired of me being here I can leave. But don't you think I don't want to be with my mate. I do. But I need to fucking know that it won't just end over nothing."
         
          "Its not nothing Liv. You two love each other. Just.."
         
          "Go eat and leave me alone. This ranting talk doesn't help." I shove the blanket over my face. Clenching tight with my fist. I feel that achy in my gut again.
         
          "Did you eat at all?" I ignnore her. "I'll bring you left over Liv. I love you." Again I ignore her. I waited until I hear the door close before closing my eyes and falling asleep once again. Only little tears fall down as I grow to lose them.
         
          Being so exhausted I lost the battle to just fight any unwanted dreams. I floated on white and gray clouds. The sky is dark in a blue gray coat. It seem peaceful. I THOUGHT.
         
          My bubble of peace crash hard on the ground. I thump over the ground and rub my ass.  "God damn it."
         
          "No god here." A repeated annoying voice crack the air.
         
          I scoff and closed my eyes tight. Trying to get out this hell. But it doesn't work. Each time I poke my eyes open, I'm still here. In a gloomy place I can't recall from.
         
          "You can't sleep away this shit Elizabeth." The voice said.
         
          "Well then I'll wake myself up." I push my body off the ground and walk. To where? The fuck I know.
         
          I walk and walk and the only change I got was making it out the forest and into a open field. Its an hill like coast and I sigh to its depth. I turn around thinking maybe the other side will be better.
         
          "Its all a circle."
         
           I ignore her and walk back into the forest. But as I do I fall in a river that carry me out. I fight as I grab hold of a branch just a few feet out. I drag my body and somehow i'm not wet. I ignore everything and walk. The forest was gone and now I walk down a dark street will dim lights.
         
          My self whispers words to annoy me. And I just ignore her back. After awhile the surrounding goes to a all familiar home of hers. The cold land and dark sky. I knew what this means.
         
          "You been avoiding me long enough." She says.
         
          "Not just you. So don't feel special." I turn around to face her.
         
          "Oh i'm aware of the shit you been up to. And its pathetic. Everything you done is pathetic." She spat at me.
         
          "If it doesn't hurt when mother said it. Then it mean nothing when you do." I walk to her face. Smiling at her pitiful act. "Try again later."
         
          She grabs my face and I don't react. "You will listen to what I have to say. And when I say you fucked up then and will continue to fuck up if you don't get over all this mess and face that wolf and make something out of yourself from what life has to offer with them! Goddess knows it wasn't a waste to pull you two together. You both ran from it before you knew it. But it took years and years and finally you idiots met. And now after it all. After the healing of both scars you two endure. The love you have to heal it all into power. You just fucken throw it away over some hurtful words. Since when did you give two shit about others comment with your relationship! Huh?"
         
          I grab her hand and yank it off me. "What the hell is it to you! You been pushing me to leave! You said you never wanted to see me again! I did what was needed. But all suddenly now you want me to keep the fight."
         
          "You still fighting now. But you made it look like you given up on everything!"
         
          I look her up and down. "I'm pushing them back for their good. The same you did for me. Move on it be easy. Right?" I taunt the words she said many times to me. Saying my leave would always be better for everyone. Even my mate most of all.
         
          "I always push you for a reason. Its call tough love Elizabeth! If you haven't notice i'm your fear. Every single thing you been afraid of."
         
          "I'm not of afraid of you. Annoy yes afraid no." I chow down my lips. And she glare her red eyes at me.
         
          "You made it real out there. You won't suppose to. Now you need to fucking fix it. Let it the fuck go. Not everything had a god damn answer to it." I held myself well to her. She just wanted an reaction.
         
          "Its beens days. Its not like their take me back. Its over." I sign as the thought come to mind. 
          "Bitch you tough it up and face them!"
          "Screw you!" I shouted over rage. I turn and walk away. Only for her to speed over and stop me in place.
         
          "No screw you! Get over your fear of love." She pushes me. I don't respond to her.
          "You are just afraid you'll be anything like mother."
          "That birch was never my mother! And I will never be her." I narrow my own red eyes at her.
          "Your afraid of the dark you will consume because of her. But the truth is you don't know anything. Life is fill of what ifs. And we will do better even with our own darkness. Our mate knows that and sees the what ifs. He just knows to go along with it and make his own god damn future. He fucked the earth and his own blood dripping down with his cum. He wanted us with him and you were too afraid you will kill him and destroy some nation because history say so. Because past has shown this and that. Over envy words and fake prophecy." I softly say no.
         
          She steps closer and I move back a bit. "But face it Elizabeth. The darkness made us and you loved it. We may even be the solom darkness everyone in this universe is so afraid of. That the acceptation you should have. Live and grew with that. He did his and ours. Despite this shit your allow to destroy your bond. He loved us before and after. He will always love us. So just go and love him."
         
          I think to myself for a bit. I allow her words to swim in my head. I close my eyes and my chest cave as it cries for my mates touch again. Even their sweet scent blows in the air here. I whezze out a soft cry.
         
          She walks softly to me and with her pointer finger she lifts my head. "Look at me Elizabeth."
         
          I do as she say. And pull myself together quick. I find her eyes comforting for once. "What if my love kills him. My death is fine but theirs isn't."
         
          She rolls her eyes and distance herself. Only to float down to her throne.
          "See what if, what if, what if, fuck it." She does a little dance in her throne. "Letting our mate love us is enough. Its worth everything! Stop questioning it. Stop questioning everyhting"
         
          "You don't get it because your here and i'm out there." I don't turn but look around. I can feel her hatred.
         
          "I'm out there with you. I feel the pain of you both. I know your deserve to go to them is strong but you allow this clutter to over fill it."
         
          "At least we will know. We can prevent so much because of it."
         
          "Elizabeth!" She shouted and the sky rumble in a red light.
         
          "Whatever I'll find something and fix it. I always fix it. Good or bad I dealt with it. Alone!"
         
          I turn and she once again in my face. Her fangs bare at me. Hissing at the tension between us.
         
          "I have your anwser bitch. To everything."
         
          I glare at her so hard I almost punch her for hidden this from me.
          I lift my head. Awaiting for her long responds."Here your anwser. Travis and Malcolm been it all this long. Everyhting and anything it because of them."
         
          "What?"
         
          "Its your mate your corrupted bat! All you got to do is fuck everything and love them. You get the life you wanted growing up. A mate and a family to love. You make it with him."
         
          I couldn't respond. I didn't answer. He could just be the answers. That doesn't make sense.
         
          "Just shower, eat real food, and drive back to our mate. Its that simple."
         
          I look up at her. Still unable to say a word. Even with my lips parted to speak. No sound came out.
         
          She cups my face and grins so widely at me. It sends a warm spark down my spine. "Its them. Its always been them."
         
          Before I knew it. She leans in to grace my lips with hers. And in a second I woke up in a sweat. The sun was starting to darken.
         
          "Simple huh?" I catch my breath. "Nothing that simple. Lying bitch."
         
          She was right about something. Things did had to change. Just not today though. Maybe tomorrow.