Fated Or Doomed

Deprived

          Liv
         
          I kept my time by just taking care of Connie. She was sore most of the time. And argues that she doesn't need help. She did this the first 2 days. It was really to get her mother to leave.
         
          Since then it has been just Connie and I. I kinda been using her as a excuse to occupied myself. I do anything but drill to my insanity. And the small edge I get when I think of my mate. I have to stop and restart my system. I will wipe my tears and continue doing anything to not think. And when theres nothing to do. Or Connie goes off to do it herself. I nap. And nap. And just nap.
         
          She says i'm mule and advoiding things now. And Yes. I am. I can't stop thinking of how much I swear up. I made everything worst and I don't think I can fix it. On top of the new of my mates derailing. Any news from anyone about my impossible shit just never clear the air. It makes it thicker.
         
          I just want to turn into a bat and hide.
         
          I finish cleaning one side of the apartment while Connie cleans the other. She has been clear to her normal activities now. The doctor just tells her to take it easy. And I try reminding her that. But she says she fine and so far, so far she been fine.
         
          "Okay we are all done." She says.
         
          I look around and see we had not only clean. We rearrange her place too. Connie kept ordering for a new change. So new this here and old this there. Out with this and flip that.
         
          "Can we rest now?" I pouted a bit.
         
          Connie smiles a wicked kinda way. I shake my head knowing she wanted something else done. "No Connie."
         
          "Oh yes, come on." She jumps.
         
          "Sleep girl. We need sleep and rest. My body hasn't been to the gym to do this much crap." I whined.
         
          "Just come and sit bitch." I head to her. She pats the rug. "Ass down."
         
          I do as she say but in a moody way. "I'm gonna help you get your clarity Elizabeth."
         
          My eyes widen sharply at her. Questioning her really. "If your gonna tell me the same shit everyone else has. I need a day to reboot. I can't just walk back as if I didn't shatter things worst. Or make worst by going back. Its too mess. And living on either way doesn't make sense."
         
          Connie tilts her head. Her soft blue eyes stares me down. With her hands out she awaits.
         
          "Ugh fine."
         
          I take her hand and waves hers right over the candle that sits between us. It is wrap in a yellow and white thread. Telling me she plan for this casting.
         
          "I been practicing. No blood just hold my hand and empty your mind. Warning it will burn. Sorry." She smirks at me.
         
          I gave her a quick side curl. Not caring much over the pain.
         
          I see Connie focus on the candle. And the yellow flame burns and pops to a dark red blood flame. A deep indigo color wraps around. Her blue flame spark from the edges. It dances so beautiful. I was in awe to see it. I could only smile proudly at my best friends gift.
         
          "Okay. Like I said. Empty your mind. And you will see what you mostly need. Its what you need to help you go forward with things. Just say his name. And you'll see the truth of life with him."
         
          I question her a bit more. She only scowls at me for resistant. "Just come on Liv. I done this a few times. Its like therapy."
         
          I can see this means a lot to her. And I know I have been more than a burden. So I nod and do as she say. I look down and watch the flame. With one soft breath, "Travis, Malcolm."
         
          The flames grows and I couldn't keep my eyes away. It brought me in wonders when little flashes hit. It was like images coming through.
         
          "Pay attention." She advice me.
         
          I watch and a blue light shadows above the flame. Flickers of images caught my view.
         
          I watch and see things I already knew. I saw things I haven't. I saw people crash, rise, and fall. Come together and grew. I see my love ones finding their ways. I see three crows fly across the sky. I see my sweet wolf in agony and in peace. I see them fight and I see us in holy. I see the grace of the future I wanted. I see pain in the eyes of familiar faces. I children running and rise of the pack. In twine the magic floats with little witches dancing. I see so much and every time it show me images of good or bad of me and my wolf. Three crows cover the images as it fades to another. The screams of wolves and human crys. I see so much lost and so much joy. The laugher hides from the wailing. In the last image before the flame crash into smoke. It shows. A image of my sweet wolf cupping my face. We stand before the moon in a woodsy area. His lips reads my nickname. And I say his.
         
          I gasp as I feel the rush of it all. "Wow. I.I didn't know your gift can do that."
         
          "I just work something out and combime my gift with it. The rest just does it itself. But its cool right." She chuckles.
         
          I joyfully agree with her."Yeah. But what does it all mean? All I saw was my fears and hopes."
         
          "Well you sense the ones that means the most to you. That you were drawn to really."
         
          "I was drawn to it all." I say.
         
          She pout and I see her lost in her mind. I thought maybe my shit was too much for her to figure out.
         
           "Okay so what I got was your future." I frown to her. "No matter if you run or stay. Their come for you."
         
          "Who?"
         
          "I guess the darkness you talked about but other than that it look like Travis. And when you're with him only light is around. You two bring a harmony that defeats any battle that comes to you both." She says so clearly like we sat the same thing.
         
          "War will happen if we stay as mates." I whisper. I tighten a grip to myself. Thinking my now creation is nothing but a war magnet.
         
          "Well war happens at anytime. War will happen on your solo. War will happen when you combine. Its something that you can't run from. Thats what its saying. It shows how you two anwser any calling and defeat it all. That you two can make it through hell and back. You make a change."
         
          "But the screaming. The blood, and bodies?" I question my own fears she didn't know.
         
          "The life we are about to walk into. Its bond to happen. People are lost. Blood is sheard. And agony is realese into the sky." Connie tries to send a comfort with a small smoke that dance of flame. It only made me thought of Travis.
         
          I sit and think it all again. Thinking that even if I go and try to end my existences to save them. It wasn't whats best. My best was to suck it up and try for once. That even in defeat and weakness. I shouldn't give up.
         
          "I just don't get why the crows kept showing. I don't know what they mean. But its cool to see we all get to stay as family for god knows how long." Connie flicks her wrist and the smoke deflates away.
         
           I smile and stood up. I lay my hand out and help he rto her feet. Her face whince in pain. "Thank you Connie."
         
          "Did it help at all?" She askes.
         
          I nod. "Yes. Even the crows. I study them as a kid and what they sumbolize for."
         
          "So what now? Nap? Eat? Run to the moon or something?" She asked me. And I know she means if I want to go back to Black Harvest.
         
          "Not just yet. I need just one more day, maybe." I walk away and headed to the couch.
         
          "Liv?" She calls out. I don't turn but stop. "Its okay to let someone love you in such a way. Its also okay for you to love them. Love isn't suppose to be pretty nor easy. The real thing is ugly. Its rare and unquie. And.."
         
          "I got it Connie." I stop her. I understood what she was hinting at. I knew what she wanted me to understood and do.
         
          I just need to sit with it all. I need to make sure i'm not some bomb about to set off. I can't be their down fall. I'm too afraid i'll disappoint them even more. I'm to weak to be the one they need. Being mates don't mean shit if all the other crap don't fit into place.
         
          I take a long nap to dream of the answers I believe Connie gave me. After all these days. All the people I spoke to. Every awful, truthful things they say. I couldn't  accept any of it. Even the ones that have only positive hope. I only saw the negative in them. I can't see how, when I feel this black hand wrapped around me. Any wrong move and it will drag me to my own pit. And I couldn't have anyone by my side. I rather face it alone.
         
          I woke to smell a amazing scent in the air. When I stretch my body and rub my eyes open. I see two figures in the kitchen. I walk towards them and they smile to my appearnces.
         
          "Well good eveing dear?" Connie's mother greeted me.
         
          "Hi? Sorry I didn't know you were coming over." I gave Connie a look. How could she allow me to sleep while her mother came by.
         
          "I just got here a few minutes ago. And you got up just in time to enjoy my home made gingersnaps. And my amazing 5 cheese pasta."
         
          I smile and see a plate of cookie center the table. Along with one huge bowl of pasta. I sat down with my hands to my thighs. Rubbing them lightly.
         
          "Liv are you feeling okay? After the thing? I can get you a bag from the fridge if you want?" I look up and I see her concern. Her mother had the same.
         
          They been talking about me. I can feel the unease and worry in the space. The look in their eyes say this was a trick.
         
          Yet. I'm too tired to fight. Maybe Connie's images are right. Why am I running?
         
          "How are you Liv dear?" She say so softly it reminds me of my moms voice.
         
          I search her eyes and my jaw locks. "Its okay to not be. You're going through such.."
         
          "I'm fine. I'm always fine." I mange to say. "I'm Elizabeth. I am always okay. Always." My voice sharp a bit. My lips quiver to the tension that tugs at my nerves. I try so hard to just smile through it. Even a smile laugh to hide it all.
          
          "Elizabeth its okay." Connie say in a way my dad did. She even tilt her head in a way that had his face flashes in my mind.
         
          Fuck. In all times of my life. I wanted nothing more than to have my parents with me. And if I couldn't. In some way I would of went to father. But he was gone too. Every one I have ever love so deeply. Their gone now.
          Cause of me.
         
          I can't think that my existence wasn't the cause. Cause it was.
         
          "No."
         
          I shakes my head to them both. I brought my knees in close under the table. I took a second to look at my hands that now sat above.
         
          "Elizabeth?" Connie whispers.
         
          "No, I don't get why. Why it all happen the way it did. No one sees what I sees. The things I felt." I wipes a small tear. As I see look at my hands.
         
          "I see the deaths. The destructions all around. I carry loved ones lifeless bodies. I smell their blood rotting on the grounds. Burning flesh blends in the rot. I seen the fallen days. Its all I seen. I been okay with my end for years. Its just..I learn to just face it alone so i'm only affect. I had no choice but to do it all alone." I add.
         
          Connie's mom goes to grab my hand. I pull away. I couldn't comfort in anyone at the moment. The only one I can think to help my thoughts go away. Was my sweet wolf. And their not here.
         
          "Our mates are chosen very rarely for us. And you can choice to leave. You can replace your mark with another or verse. But you leaving after you mark. You made that painful choice for them too. You had your reason but you are connect and you made a choice for another. And after it all you can't be surprise if they choice to walk away when you choice to fix. But our mates are made to break, fix, destroy and rebuild together. Its done together dear."
         
          I thought of her last words. And it clicked to me. I was so navie and young I didn't listen to the bond because I was too afraid to.
         
          I lift my head. I feel my eyes heavy as I talk. "They need someone brave and who won't give up. A mate that can control her own demons. Someone wise and clever to lead at their side. That mate can speak out and the unstoppable things to give them the life they deserve. Someone who will sacrifice themself with no hesiation. That is the mate, wife, and luna they need."
         
          Connie sofly smirk at me. "Thats you."
         
          "Agree." Her mother said.
         
          "What?" I ask confusing.
         
          "You just describe the person who you always been." Connie said.
         
          I shock my head. She must have a brain bleed. "No no. That the person I couldn't be. Why do you think I ran here hiding from my mate and all." I explain.
         
          "Oh come on." Connie started. "Since day one you have always put someone else before yourself. You make sure no matter what that anyone is good and loved. You will walk through fire for those you love most of all. Even when you seem afraid of something you still look danger in the eyes and come out smiling with a damn serval head in your hand. You are a warrior goddess Liv. Give yourself some credit."
         
          "Wh..what."
         
          "You are unstoppable. Your the most amazing creature to have ever exist. And people everywhere are jealous and afraid of you. Hell i'm jealous. But in a proud way." I look at Connie so confuse. Yet she smiles through all of this.
         
          This god damn invention.
         
          "I'm too damage. I don't see myself as that person. They shouldn't be responsible for my own healing. My mental state has been and always will be unwinded if not deadly. Its too much to put on them. I'm not worth that from them." It was too much to ask for. It was selfish.
         
          "You are worth your own kind of healing. Its yours but their meant to be at our side. They are suppose help guide you through it. Make you want to do better. But you make that decision." Connie's mom says as she plays with her wedding ring. Bringing the thought of marring my mate. If I could.
         
          "I don't see why they would. If only I never gave them their biggest mistake." My finger begin to fidget. I pick at my nails.
         
          "Girl you know damn will if things were different you two would of been lovers before the whole mate crap." I gave her a all too broken look. I can't think of that. We both never wanted to meet then. It was just put on because of the party.
         
          "I'll just be their downfall sooner. This sucks." I gasp a sob.
         
          "Liv I see how they love you. They done so much just to be love by you. I wish my mate will be like that." I smile softly to Connie. Hoping she finds a mate soon.
         
          Taking in the talk I try to push my chair away. I get a small headache and I try to excuse myself.
         
          "If they suport and encourage you in a way you never thought you needed. That they see you better than you can. If this wolf can't match what Connie and Mason had these years in the few months you two been mates. You need to just follow your heart. Even when its in pain. The pain is a sign of healing sometimes. And a person can only fix it so much." I sat back down as it all start to hit me. Their persuading words digs into my heart.
         
          "Thats a lot to ask of them." I reply.
         
          "Dear. From what Connie has say. You have sacrifice so much of yourself. Its okay to give in to the sweetness of life now. And thats your mate." Her mother said.
         
          "I love them." I feel a tear drip down my cheek. And my heart clench to my ribs. I long for them more than ever now.
         
          "I'm certain they love you too. Not the mate love. Because you don't always love or need to be with your mate. Thats why theres rejections. And then theres marking to compleye it all." She pushes the plate of cookies close to me. I just glance at them.
         
          "I know that. We have talk.. we argue on it lots of times." My fault again. I argue on it. I pull us apart. I destroy us.
         
          "Well without the bond and the fated mate would you say you still love them enough to go back and give it everything despite all the fear you critter in your mind with. I'm positive he has have his own and still loves you in the highest comes. But can you? Thats your choice. And after things, can you live with choice you make for them in the end?" Now I see why Connie and her mom are so close. I know if mom were here she'll say the same thing.
         
          "I want to. I love enough to risk my life for theirs."
         
          "Then be happy Liv dear. Don't be scared of it anymore. Their will over come any obstacle the future has prepare you both." Both Connie and her mother softly grin at me. Seeing that their little invention has sway its way through me.
         
          Well shit.
         
          It took my stubborn, weak ass to figure it out. But I didn't have to do it alone. All my fears only came true when I don't have them  in my life.
         
          And Connies mom is right. I haven't allow myself to accept any good. I always awaited for the bad even before it happen. I let it happen because I only saw it. I cause this agony upon my wolf and I.
         
          I have to fix. I have to go back to my sweet wolf.