Jimin Protectors ' Book 1 '

Chapter 116 '✅'

Jimin's POV :

Today was my first session with my psychiatrist. It wasn't like what I thought it would be. Jin hyung was right - it's a long journey. But why do I need to go through all this again? Each word I said there was like a loud scream waking up all the buried awful memories I tried all my life to ignore.

The doctor needs to know, and I need to be the one who speaks up. My parents were there, but with each word I felt my soul crashing. Maybe I look like a kid and act like a kid because I never had a chance to act as a child when I was one. The first session opened all my hidden, unhealed scars. They promised this is the right way to fix this, but am I going to stay strong for this? I feel like I'm bleeding, but no one is trying to stop the blood from flowing out of my body.

I didn't just go through one terrifying memory. Starting from my parents' death, to each agonyising day and night I spent locked in the house with my uncle , to the darkest night in my life, the two days I was kidnapped, and when I lost trust that Appa would ever look for me. Each time I feel Ara's touch, first my heart sinks from the touch, then her sad eyes pull it out of my chest. Everything is vivid now. I feel like I can't breathe. I can't even touch my mother. My body started to push all the trusted people in my life away. I was shocked the moment she put her hand on my back. I never flinched with her touch before - not with Appa, Kookie, or even Jin hyung. Am I really going to heal with this? Why then I feel like it brought me to where everything has started .. the point where i was totally broken !!

For the first time, I'm locking my door to not let anyone in. That was terrifying me, but is there a more terrified state than what I already am? My uncle used to lock me in a dark room. I wonder how I survived all these years. When I was talking to the doctor, for the first time after I lived with my hyungs, I heard this. I feel like someone else went through all this. I was a stupid, naive kid. Now that I've grown up a little and know hundreds of things that I was totally clueless about, it feels much worse now that I know what the meaning of all this is.

I need my mother. Not the adoptive one - I need you, omma. Your little Jiminie went through a lot when you left him alone. Didn't you love me enough to leave me for all this? Didn't you promise me that you would always be there? So why did I go through all this? When can I see you again? I'm almost an adult now. Time is flying. I'm about to be 16 now - a broken 16-year-old kid. Did Appa forget me too? Am I that bad to deserve all what I went through?

Omma is sitting there behind my door. I can hear her crying. Appa and hyungs asked her not to push me further after I asked them to let me stay alone. They were all so worried but let me do what I need to do. But Omma , she couldn't. Appa tried with her for a while, but he couldn't make her leave my door. She's afraid that I will hurt myself. I won't - not when she's there for me, when all my hyungs are supporting me, not when Appa does this. I'm the one who really knows how he changed to not hurt me. I won't hurt them this cruelly. They are the gift God gave me to help me stay sane.

I gathered myself, pulling my heavy body to my wardrobe, looking for the thing I avoided looking at all these years. Since I met my protectors, I thought I was fine... or I know I'm not. How will I be fine when the owners of this are not here anymore? Is what they offer what we need? So when they leave us, we can be okay if another human being does their job for us?

I know I have the answer. I know I will never be okay when you guys are not there. I may avoid putting this on to keep my denial that they are gone.

I held the small old box where my father's watch and my mother's necklace were lying. It had the letter "J" printed on each one of them. Their love doesn't need evidence. Maybe this is the unbreakable trust I had in this life. I missed you so much. The world seems cold without you guys.

I hugged the box, curling my body on my bed, trying to hug myself. The cold is still surrounding me. The summer and my blanket are not taking the cold away. The tears don't seem to be stopping soon. I can smell a faint scent from my father's strong perfume on his watch. The smell brought me scenes where they are still there. I was just 5. Are these really my true memories, or am I just making things up? How can memories from when a kid was five years old stay with him?

Jimin: "I wish I could hug you, Omma."

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Author's Note:

Hey guys... sorry for the sad chapter.