Pursuing from the Shore (Sun Rays Series #2)

CHAPTER 19

To those who are battling their inner demons and have managed to rise above them, I want you to know how proud I am of your courage, bravery, and faith. Your existence is valued. Thank you for giving yourself a chance to stay and move forward.

***

Trigger Warning: panic attack.

Chapter 19

My entire body shivered violently.

Horror made me completely dull, not minding my skin that has been totally soaked by the rain water. My gaze dropped downwards, seeing the blood stains that clung from my trembling hands down to my clothes.

Tuyong-tuyo at nanginginig na ang labi ko sa sobrang panlalamig. My eyes are hurting with dried out tears from crying so hard earlier. Nakatulala lang ako, pero dinig na dinig ko ang pag-iyak ni Mama na nasa tabi ko.

This is my fault.

This is all your fault, Redler.

Nakarating kami rito sa hospital nang hindi ko manlang namamalayan. Nakaupo kaming dalawa sa waiting area matapos ipunta si Renzler sa Emergency Unit. Ilang minuto na ang nakalipas pero hindi pa rin kumakalma ang sistema ko. Dread filled every corner of my mind and heart, overwhelming me with its suffocating weight I'm afraid I couldn't handle anymore.

The image of Renz lying unconscious in my hands with his blood all over his head and face, relentlessly floods my thoughts, causing an upsurge of grief and anxiety in me.

This is my fault.

This is your fault, Redler. You are the reason why this happened.

His body was still warm earlier nang maabutan ko siya sa kuwarto niya. All I beg is for him to survive at this point. Just the thought of him not making it... I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to stand the weight of that guilt on my conscience. It would consume me, causing a feeling of unfulfilled shame and persistent anxiety from which I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to escape from.

Nanginginig na naman ako.

I began breathing heavily again.

This is my fault.

This is your fault, Redler. You're so fucking reckless.

"Red..."

I wish I had been more cautious as his twin. I have regretted taking Renzler to the mall with me.

If only I stood up immediately when I observed the hallmarks of his trauma that was slowly reappearing.

I wished I had become more aware and made every effort to seek professional help for him from the very beginning.

If only I had paid more attention to him.

Perhaps, just maybe... This tragedy could have been prevented.

Pero wala... nangyari na. And it's slowly killing me alive... Because I was foolish and careless... I failed to uphold and protect him. I should have been more attentive and watchful over him.

My recklessness harmed him terribly... and I despise myself for it.

This is my fault.

This is your fault, Redler, napakawalang kwenta mong kapatid. Hindi ka manlang nag-ingat. This is your fault, Redler.

This is all your fault, Redler.

Wala kang kwentang kambal kay Renz dahil pinabayaan mo siya.

This is my fault.