Trauma of the Forest (Meadema)

~ Chapter 7: Approaching Danger? ~

Arriving at the closet door, Beth placed Viv in front of the closet, who still hadn't said a word and was staring straight ahead. 'Hey Vivi. I was just teasing you. You okay?'. Viv nodded, not a muscle in her face moving. Now Beth was worried, a feeling of helplessness was coursing through her body. 'Vivi, can you please say something? You scare me'.

Viv's silence. Something Beth had to get used to and which wasn't always a good sign. Viv's silence could mean two things. She was deep in thought, while listening to all the sounds around her. Or she was imagining things that were about to happen, not always positive. Because was Viv really speechless from Beth's teasing? Was there perhaps more to it?

"Vivi." Beth grabbed both her arms tightly and shook her until she got a reaction. Viv snapped out of her thoughts, as if teleporting back from another world. "What? What is it?" An unpleasant feeling shot through every fiber of Beth's body. "You okay? You seem out of it? It's scary."

Viv, eager to reassure Beth, didn't tell her what she was imagining. 'Yeah, I'm okay. I was just thinking.' Beth's discomfort turned to concern. 'Good or bad tings?'. Viv tried to muster up the best smile she could. 'Good things,' she lied. She didn't want to give in to the imaginings she saw and certainly didn't want to scare Beth with them. They were probably fake anyway.

'Okay, great. What do you want to wear today?'. Viv started to search through the closet, her hands searching for the perfect outfit, her breaths deep and there seemed to be a hint of panic. 'Hmm, I don't know. You can choose.' Boom, a little confirmation that Viv wasn't okay.

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Although Beth managed to get to know Viv better and better during their dating period, she did not manage to recognize the signals when Viv was about to have a panic attack.

Sure, she had seen Viv in situations where she felt uncomfortable, where tears flowed, but then it was always others who cared about Viv. She was never the one who had to do this, which she secretly found very unfortunate. Because despite the fact that they were so different, she saw something in Viv, she saw that a friendship might be possible.

It was a Friday night and Beth had arranged to go to a karaoke bar with a few teammates from the English team, who all lived in London, with Viv there of course. Although a karaoke bar was not exactly the place where you would quickly find Viv. 

She would rather have stayed at home, quietly spending the evening on the couch under a blanket with a cup of tea instead of seeking out the hustle and bustle in the nightlife area. But she couldn't say no when she saw the enthusiasm in Beth's eyes when she received an invitation from a teammate who asked her along.

An hour before they were to leave, Beth had dragged her into the bedroom to get ready to go. Viv was quiet, seemed to have disappeared from the world and was not really responsive. She seemed to be in some kind of trance, which did not reassure Beth.

She had asked Viv several times what she wanted to wear, but no response. Until she squeezed her hand and suddenly got a response, which also didn't tell her much. Beth asked her to choose her clothes. Viv had been standing in front of the closet, with Beth next to her. Viv's eyes scanned the closet, her breaths became deeper, tears formed in her eyes, she started seeing double and the dam broke. She fell backwards onto the bed and cried, a panic attack, in front of Beth.

Why did this have to happen now? Just when her bond with Beth seemed to be improving. Why? It would scare Beth, she wouldn't want anything to do with Viv anymore. Her self-image was so damaged. So badly, that she thought she would scare people away, like she had when she was still in a relationship with Lisa.