Trauma of the Forest (Meadema)

~ Chapter 55: Viv's Turning Point ~

Warning: This chapter refers back to previous self harm.

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They were standing in the kitchen, a minute before they were to leave, Viv to therapy and Beth would drop her off, go grocery shopping in the meantime and then pick up Viv again. They both knew that this would be the hardest therapy session for Viv so far, that in this therapy session the trauma would have to be connected to those old habits, and if there is one thing Viv doesn't want to talk about, it's the old habits.

But it had to be, somewhere deep inside Viv knew that this couldn't go on like this, she had scared the shit out of Beth, she had completely lost herself in the moment. There had to be someone who could offer some perspective, with a positive spin on it.

Viv stood on one side of the kitchen, playing with her fingers, Beth on the other side, staring at Viv. On the one hand Beth felt relieved, that Lotte could maybe help her process what happened last night. On the other hand, she also felt a little sick, knowing that today's treatment would be anything but fun for Viv.

She walked over to her, wrapping her arms around her and pressing her head against Viv's chest. 'Are you okay, darling?' Viv nodded, clearly a sign that she was quite nervous. 'It's going to be okay, Vivi. You know we're all proud of you, what happened last night hasn't changed that okay'. Viv nodded again, being closer to crying than laughing.

'Shall we go, darling?' Another nod from Viv. Beth let her hand slide down Viv's back, along her arm and then grabbed her hand. In Beth's other hand a shopping bag, phone and car keys, in Viv's other hand her notebook and phone. The car ride was silent, with every minute they got closer to the practice Beth felt Viv's grip on her hand getting stronger and stronger.

Arriving at the practice, Viv became paler and paler, the nausea of ​​the fact that she could no longer go back struck. She had to face it, knowing that it was necessary, that she couldn't fall back into those old habits again. Beth turned to Viv. 'Uhmmm... do you want me to walk with you or not?'. Viv shook her head, but this time there was a reaction. 'No, I'll be fine'.

Even though it was with an undertone that radiated that Viv could burst into tears at any moment, Beth was glad that she actually got a reaction. 'Come here darling. One last kiss and hug and then I'll let you go. You know I love you so much. If anything happens or you need me, I'll come right back. Okay?'. Viv nodded. 'I love you too'.

One last kiss was given, after which Viv opened the car door and walked away, into the building, out of Beth's sight. Beth fell backwards in her chair, her hands in her face. She knew she had to, that she had to leave Viv alone, but man, it hurt to leave her alone now, in this situation, when she really needed her so badly. For Beth too, this was another step in learning to let go of Viv... She just started the car and drove off, towards the supermarket, so that her mind could focus on something else for a moment.

Viv had meanwhile walked into the office with Lotte and had taken a seat on a chair, her notebook open in front of her on the desk, with those drawings and those heartbreaking sentences. She seemed to be doing so well, defeating those voices, but last night that voice had won, definitely.

'So Viv, can you tell me what happened yesterday? You can also write it down. Do it in a way that you feel comfortable with'. Since Viv had already drawn and written down part of what had happened on the paper, she could actually talk about what had happened in a fairly structured way.

She took a deep breath and another sip of her water before she spoke. 'I.... Uhm... It was too much'. And then there was a silence, and that was okay, they would do it completely at Viv's pace. 'I was just so happy that we finally got good news at the hospital. I really thought my day couldn't get any better. But then bad news again. And it was the umpteenth time. We never have good news that isn't followed by bad news for once. And now that news just meant that my dream will never come true...'