Trauma of the Forest (Meadema)

~ Chapter 53: Crushed Dream ~

Warning: reference to self harm and talking about abortion

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Pre-season had started, but work and football wouldn't be an option for Beth and Viv for the time being. Okay, Beth had to be honest, she did miss football, but there were many important priorities now. Immediately, all kinds of new rumours had started circulating on the internet, now that the photo of the trauma helicopter had been shared all over social media, clearly showing both their faces. Again, there were those two annoying guys, who saw this as an opportunity to give their rumour about Beth abusing Viv some extra attention. Beth and Viv had recorded a video again, again with a short explanation of what was going on, but again only shared limited information.

The past week has been tough, many tears have been shed. A week ago, that terribly difficult decision was made. Every night in bed, which started so beautifully with their tradition of reminiscing with photos, ended in a feast of tears. The ultrasound hanging on the notice board in their bedroom, which they couldn't yet throw away. That ultrasound, which was the topic of the conversation every night.

And tears were allowed to fall, Lotte had even advised them to do so, as much as possible, to get rid of all the emotion they were holding on to. Of course it wasn't an easy decision and somewhere the guilt wanted to come up. But luckily there was Lotte, who seemed to be able to put it into perspective for both of them during the therapy session two days ago. And those feelings of guilt, they might stay with them for a while, maybe even travel with them forever, but that was okay.

And it didn't help that Viv had become incredibly nauseous from everything that had happened. Whether it was from the pain medication again, the abortion or the mental pain of this decision that had turned into nausea, they had no idea. In any case, Beth had one goal last week, that was to be with Viv every second that she could. Despite the fact that she herself had a very hard time with this decision, even though she knew that it was 100% the right one, she knew that Viv struggled with it even more. Comforting each other, that was pretty much what was central throughout the week.

Days were spent on the couch, crying, cuddling, Beth's hand that continuously found its place on Viv's belly, Beth who continuously spoke encouraging words in Viv's ear. Who always made it clear that she also fully supported the choice, that this was not Viv's fault. That she didn't suddenly love her less because she became pregnant by a man. That they would one day tackle this in the desired way, with a donor, at a clinic, when they were both ready for it. One day she would rub Viv's belly again, when there is a baby in there again. One day Viv would really lie between her legs, while Beth is rubbing her hands over her swollen belly. One day, Beth would really talk to her pregnant belly.

Every now and then they walked a little round, in the park in the backyard, not wanting to be lying on the couch crying all the time. Lotte had advised them to find some distraction together, to reduce the chance of depression, which is often the result of an abortion. And it helped, finding distraction in the park, together, sometimes with Katie and sometimes with someone else, it was all part of them needing to process this.

But today it is time to look up again, to put an end to the deep decline that the development curve had made in processing this trauma. Today marks a week after the abortion, the day that Viv has to come for a check-up with the doctor to see if the abortion went completely according to plan.

They were nervous, so nervous that Beth could barely focus on the busy traffic around the hospital in London. Of course they knew that there was a 97% chance that this would all work out. That there was a 97% chance that Viv would survive this abortion, but was that really the case? Would they really be able to look up from today?