after the death of her mother, leighton's father sends her to a boarding school halfway across the world to be taught a lesson. she knows no one and no one knows her.
but the cherry on top is who her roommate is.
#2 in ptsdawareness
#2 in anxiety
#...
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"crawling back to you"
-do i wanna know? by arctic monkeys
⎯⎯⎯
I shove the tent flap aside and duck inside, dropping onto my sleeping bag.
Luca and Eli are already out cold, their breathing slow and even. I envy them, their ability to shut off and escape into sleep.
My mind is racing, a cycle of regret and overthinking.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why did I kiss her? Why the fuck don't I regret it?
I press the heels of my hands against my eyes, trying to block out the image of her face, her soft lips against mine.
I've been trying so hard to keep my distance, to keep things friendly and uncomplicated.
I hear the distant murmur of voices and laughter from the campfire, Leighton's voice among Baileys.
I wonder if she's laughing at me, or worse, feeling sorry for me.
My stomach churns at the thought.
I can't stand the idea of her pitying me. I don't deserve pity.
I roll over onto my side, facing the tent wall.
I hate myself for ruining everything, for complicating things with her.
Leighton deserves better than my mess, better than a guy who can't even figure out his own feelings, let alone express them without screwing up.
I'm not worth it.
The tent feels suffocating, the walls closing in on me.
I try to steady my breathing, focusing on the rise and fall of my chest. I need to get a grip. I can't let this destroy everything.
But the thought of facing her tomorrow, of seeing the disappointment or confusion in her eyes, makes my skin crawl.
Why the fuck can't I do anything right? What is wrong with me?
I punch my pillow in frustration, the soft thud barely audible over the sounds of the night.
I wish I could take it back, erase that moment from existence.
But I can't.
Time continues on, each minute feeling like an eternity.
My mind keeps replaying the kiss, the feel of her lips, the warmth of her body so close to mine.
I remember the way her eyes sparkled in the firelight, the way she smiled at me, open and trusting.
And I shattered that trust.
I hate myself for that, for being so weak, for giving in to my feelings when I should have stayed strong. I hate myself for messing everything up.
Because I'm. Not. Worth. It.
Luca shifts in his sleep, mumbling something incoherent.
"What?" I whisper.
"I said go to sleep." He mumbles.
"Fuck off," I tell him and I know he's rolling his eyes.
I glance over at him, wishing I could talk to him about this, but knowing it's not an option.
He'd just tell me I'm an dumbass, which I already know.
Besides, this is something I need to figure out on my own.
I lie back down, staring up at the dark ceiling of the tent.
What do I tell her tomorrow? What do I say?
I toss and turn, unable to find a comfortable position.
My mind won't shut off, won't stop torturing me with images of her face, her lips, her eyes.
I want to scream, to punch something, to do anything to release this pent-up frustration and guilt.
Finally, I sit up, unable to stand lying down any longer. I crawl out of the tent, the cool night air hitting me like a slap in the face.
The campfire is just embers now, glowing faintly in the darkness. I sit down on a log a little way from the tent, staring into the dying fire.
I pick up a stick and poke at the embers, watching the sparks fly up into the night. The stars above are bright, a stark contrast to the darkness I feel inside. I've always found some kind of comfort in the stars, in their constancy.
I sit there for what feels like hours, lost in my thoughts.
The sky begins to lighten, the first hints of dawn creeping over the horizon.
Go back to the tent.
I can't.
Eventually, exhaustion wins out, and I make my way back to the tent.
Luca and Eli are still asleep, oblivious to my situation. The situation I caused.
I lie down, closing my eyes, hoping for a few hours of sleep before I have to face the consequences of my actions.
This is punishment enough.
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tsk tsk, buddy. your actions have consequences...
yeah so you see, he regrets it !!!!
thats no excuse 😔
welp i still love him i think ??
thoughts???
i should probably start updating on schedule and not every single day lmfao.
love ya'll!!!!!!! tysm for 1k reads <3
word count: 813
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