Drown in You

39. Back to how things were

After our talk, we went back to unpacking, mostly in silence, until the sun began to set. Although the stack of boxes still felt huge, it finally seemed like we'd made a dent in it. Eventually we decided to take a break and order in some dinner. We were in the midst of a heated debate over whether to get Chinese or Mediterranean when my phone began to vibrate. I saw that it was Cal and my stomach dropped.

"One second, I have to take this," I told Noah.

He grinned. "No promises that I won't place an order for Chinese while you're gone."

In the next room over, I answered the phone. "Hey babe."

"Where the hell are you?" He sounded pissed.

"It's a work thing," I said, trying to keep my voice calm.

"Bullshit. You told me you had two weeks off."

"Yeah, well. Things change. That's show biz." I could feel my usual dull, fuzzy numbness returning to my brain. I hadn't even realize it was gone before.

"Give me a break, you're not a goddamn actor."

"Cal—"

"Don't care. You better be home in half an hour."

"Or what?" I said, and immediately regretted it.

Cal let out a cynical sound, half laughter and half sigh of disbelief. "You're funny. Half an hour."

He hung up without giving me a chance to respond. Nevermind that Noah's loft was at least an hour from our shitty apartment. I took a minute to gather myself, hands shaking, before returning to the kitchen.

Noah waved a menu at me as I walked through the doorway. "You want orange chicken?"

I swallowed, my mouth suddenly dry. "Actually, I'm really sorry about this, but I have to go."

"Why? What happened?"

"I just do, ok?" I didn't know where to start on explaining.

"Hey," Noah put the menu down and stepped closer. "Is everything ok? Who was that on the phone?"

"Why are you asking?" I suddenly felt defensive.

"I overheard some of what you were saying. You sounded upset."

I bit my tongue. This moment was a long way coming. In fact, it was overdue. "It was my boyfriend, ok?"

The look on Noah's face was painful. I think it was the last thing he expected me to say. "I- I didn't know."

"Well, now you do." I wanted to be anywhere other than here, having this conversation. Doing literally anything else other than talking to my ex about my toxic relationship.

"How long has it been?" He asked, quickly adding. "If you don't mind me asking, that is."

"Four years."

Noah was silent. I looked down at my shoes and thought about how unlucky the two of us were— how it seemed like every time we found a moment of happiness something came along to mess it up. How awkward things would probably be going forward.

I finally spoke. "Look, I really have to go. I'm sorry."

"It's ok." A more obvious lie couldn't have been told. "See you soon, Will."

•••

An hour and change later, about 37 minutes past Cal's deadline, I approached the front door of our apartment. Steeling myself, I put the key in the lock and swung the door open.

Cal sat at the table, two beer cans deep. "You gonna tell me what took so long?"

I walked to the fridge for a beer of my own. "Big city. Bad trains."

"I'm really not in the mood for your smart comments."

I ignored him, cracking open the can and taking a large sip. "I'm tired. I think I'm going to go to bed. Do you think you can manage to find yourself some dinner or did you just want me home to clock in as your personal chef?"

"No. You're gonna sit your ass down right now and listen."

"Oh, am I?" I raised a brow and took another sip of my drink.

"NOW."

Finally my self preservation instincts kicked in and I realized Cal was not messing around tonight. It would be best to just go along with it. But I couldn't manage to not sound pissed off when I dropped into a chair and said "Fine."

"You told me this was a part time gig. Temporary. So why do I feel like I never see you around anymore? How the hell do I know you're not hanging out at the bar flirting with other guys?"

"Oh my god, please." This was ridiculous even for him. "Just because filming was delayed doesn't mean there's nothing for me to do. They were being gracious to give me time off for my head injury, but it's healed now and there's shit to do."

"There's shit to do," Cal mocked me. "When did you become such a fucking professional?"

"Believe it or not Cal, I'm not the same fucked up kid I was when we met. I'm an adult just like you."

"No, you just like acting like you're better than me. You think you're so special with your cushy celebrity job? You think you did anything to deserve getting hired? If it wasn't for your pretty face, you would've been thrown out of the interview. And if it wasn't for ME doing the hard work around here and tolerating your sorry ass, you'd be on the streets right now."

I didn't even feel angry anymore. I felt numb, resigned. "Is that right?"

"You know damn well it's true. You think you've changed so much? I can read you like a book. You can act like a functioning person all you want but we both know the truth. So, until you inevitably come crying to me once everyone leaves you again, why don't you see to it you're on my good side in the meantime?"

His words would've once made me burst into tears. Now, I just felt a vague awareness that it should hurt to hear such things. My throat felt tight when I spoke. "So I'm just a charity case to you? Do you even love me?"

I swore I saw Cal roll his eyes before he replied. "Babe, of course I do. But lately I feel like you don't love me back because you're too busy playing pretend."

I let his words resonate for a moment. Was I really just playing pretend? Was I just trying to trick everyone into thinking I was something I'm not? And if that were true, what did that make me? A complete failure. A subhuman.

I took a breath. "Maybe I am playing pretend. But it's making me happy."

"I'm not enough for you then?"

How did he always manage to twist my words? "No, just—, doesn't everyone need some variety in life? Am I not allowed to have friends?"

Cal fixed me with a cold yet pitying stare and said dryly, "You can have all the 'friends' you like. Tell me who else will stick around as long as I have."

He looked right through me, like he could see my brain processing his words. I closed my eyes to try and escape his stare, but he spoke again. "Face it already: You need me, and I need you."

And the worst part was, it was true. I stood and walked around to his end of the table, hugging him from behind and pressing a kiss to his temple. "You're right. I'm sorry."

He reached up and ruffled my hair. "Look, when this movie thing is over, let's go back to how things were, ok? I'll take care of everything. I want you all to myself again."

"Mmhm. Back to before." Even though I'd just agreed, hearing it spoken out loud felt like the final board being nailed over my coffin.

•••

A/N
I promise the angst is over soon guys :( there must be darkness before the light!!
I hope you enjoyed the chapter even thought it was more intense