Drown in You

13. You are not alone

The next day, Ms. Profit pulled me over after homeroom and told me my first tutoring session would be at lunch in the library. I had completely forgotten about it with everything that had happened in the last week, and it was the last thing I wanted to do, but regardless I went. I wasn't even surprised when I walked in and saw Noah at the table. At this point, my bad luck was laughable.

"Yo," I said, taking a seat across from him, finding myself in a nonchalant, fuck-it mood.

"Hey."

"Aren't you too busy with the play for this?" I asked.

"Apparently not," he replied sarcastically, the coldness in his tone still a shock to me. It was a stark contrast from the warm and energetic person he used to be.

"So," I said, taking it upon myself to fill the awkward silence. "How does this work, teach?"

"Just do your homework and ask me if you have any questions," he spoke with a sigh, his eyes out the window.

"Ok then," I replied, feeling even more awkward.

The tense atmosphere combined with my ever worsening withdrawal headache made focusing nearly impossible. After a few minutes, I just started doodling airplanes on the paper.

"It'll work better if you substitute X for a helicopter instead" Noah said coldly.

I rolled my eyes. "Fuck off."

"I'd love to, but I'm stuck here till the bell."

We didn't talk for the rest of the time. Noah bounced between his own studies and staring at me while I did my damn best to stay at least somewhat focused on mine and ignore his stares. When lunch finally ended, Noah stalked off first, in a rush to get to class as usual. As for me, I could feel things were getting to the point where I knew I wouldn't last much longer without my fix. I made the impulsive decision to skip class and replenish my supply, figuring it would be better to cut school than to get caught sneaking out of the house while I was grounded.

I headed to a different convenience store than last time, just to be safe. Thankfully, there were no problems and I was able to buy three new packs of my favorite type. I put the first two packs in my bag and opened the third outside the shop to light one up. My eyes skimmed over the warnings plastered everywhere on the box. It had been a long time since those had made me reconsider, and they certainly wouldn't today.

Upon the first drag, the relief was instant. I stood outside the store, reveling in the high. Now that I'd felt it again, I couldn't believe I'd managed to go an entire week without it. I took my time heading back to school, smoking along the way.

About a block from the entrance, I saw a girl sitting under a tree scrolling on her phone. As I got closer, I saw it was Jessica.

"Skipping class, young lady?" I said with a raised brow. My mood was much improved with nicotine in me.

She looked up at me and smiled. "Will! Long time no see."

We hadn't spoken since History class the previous day. I laughed. "So what made a model student like you skip class?"

She smiled and leaned her head back against the tree. "I didn't feel like taking a quiz."

"Valid," I replied.

"What about you?"

"Had to buy some stuff," I explained. "I'm grounded, so I figured skipping class is better than sneaking out."

Jessica didn't reply immediately. I looked over at her and saw on her face that she wanted to ask something.

"What's up?" I prompted.

"Oh, it's just," she paused, "I heard a rumor that you're living with a foster family. Is that-"

I inhaled sharply. It had only been just over a week since the party when Jake exposed me, but it felt like ages ago with all that happened afterwards. This was the first time someone actually tried to talk to me about it though. There was no point in lying though, so I just told her the truth.

"Yeah, it's true," I said, trying to ignore the way her expression got all dark. The usual reaction. "Why do you ask?"

"I don't know," she said quietly, and then, after a moment, "What's it like?"

I grinned, "It's all good, don't worry."

She didn't reply right away. When she did, her tone was back to it's usual, bubbly self. "Why'd you get grounded? Are they crazy strict?"

"Well that," I said, "is a different story."

"Oh really? Do tell."

"Cigs," I said remorsefully. She didn't need to know the full story. "They don't like it."

"Hmm, that hard to quit?"

I nodded. "If it was easy I would've ditched it ages ago."

We were silent for a moment. I watched the cars go by and she continued scrolling through her phone. We made some casual conversation but didn't discuss anything interesting or worth noting. Eventually, we headed back to school and parted ways.

•••

The next two weeks passed by in a blur. Once I was no longer grounded, I spent more time out around the neighborhood. I found a particularly good spot where things were quiet and isolated, and I took up smoking there instead of the house, where I was officially always on edge. At school, I hung out with Rose or some other people from class who I'd befriended-- casual friendships that didn't involve serious discussion. I avoided anyone who got too invasive about my private life, though I figured many people already knew I was a foster kid through the grapevine after the halloween party. Noah and I didn't talk at all except for when we met up for tutoring, and even then things were awkward and cold.

I wasn't sure if I liked how things were going or not. Life was alright. I was used to being numb. But I found myself thinking repeatedly about how things could have been if I didn't have to go to therapy that night. If I hadn't pushed him away. If I hadn't ruined it.

Things came to a point that Friday, the opening night of the play. I'd been assigned to assist with lighting, which basically meant I stood on the catwalk and occasionally handed someone something or flipped a switch.

From my vantage point at the back of the house, I actually had a great view of the stage. I watched the show go by, as I'd watched it dozens of times. But for some reason, things were different. I felt pulled into the plot, to the characters. I found myself wondering what it must be like to be so dedicated to something, to have something to work towards. I had none of that. I watched Noah sing with the rest of the cast, playing his part so perfectly I almost forgot it was him. Finally, the final song came.

Mother cannot guide you...
Now you're on your own.

Sometimes people leave you,
Halfway through the wood.

People make mistakes.
Fathers, mothers.
People make mistakes.
Holding to their own,
Thinking they're alone.

You are not alone.
No one is alone.

I felt tears sting at my eyes. The combination of the music and the words filled me with bitter resentment. If nobody is alone why was I? I'd always been alone. I'd always be alone. My knuckles turned white clutching the rail of the catwalk and the music's end was met with a roaring applause that made my stomach turn.

Why am I always alone? I don't want to be alone.

I watched the cast come forward holding hands to bow, Noah at the center. He looked so happy, surrounded by people and doing what he loved.

And then, like a wave crashing, I was hit with a realization. I wasn't alone when I was with Noah. I missed spending time with him. I'd been alone my whole life. But I didn't want that anymore.

I had to make things right.

A/N
I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
From here, I will try to make the plotline progress faster :)
If you enjoyed, please let me know but voting and/or commenting your thoughts! It means a lot to me