Drown in You

20. I think I love you

"They didn't ground you?"

I shook my head. "Nope. But they did take the door off my room."

Noah stopped walking in his tracks. "Why would they do that?"

"No clue."

The two of us were headed to Noah's place. Since I wasn't grounded, I fully intended to avoid the o'Neil house until my curfew. We'd do homework, or more accurately, Noah would do homework while I doodled and watched him work.

We reached the house and set up camp at the kitchen table. I watched as Noah pulled out his books before standing up. "I'm going for a smoke. Be right back."

He looked up. "Is everything ok?"

"Yeah, of course. I just need a smoke."

I shut the door behind me, fished out the cigarettes from my pocket, and lit one up, reveling in the feeling of the first drag. I leaned over the rail of the deck and looked out to the water, vaguely aware that Noah was probably watching me from inside. Seems like he figured out I smoked more when stressed. Little did he know, it was him I was stressed about.

We still hadn't addressed the events of Saturday night, and the open endedness had me anxious. Now that I was alone with him again, things felt more urgent. Like we had to confront what happened. I couldn't help but wonder if he was upset at me for making him stop.

I squashed the cigarette butt, painfully aware of how quickly I'd inhaled it, and reached to light another. My hands shook as I flicked open the lighter and held the cig close. So much for de-stressing.

I couldn't stop thinking. Thinking about Noah. It was great until it wasn't, my happy daydreams almost without fail interrupted by dark memories or looming fears. I hated myself for it. I hated the way I couldn't let him touch me the way he wanted to --the way I wanted him to-- without a flood of uncontrollable panic.

I ruined everything.

"Is everything ok?"

I spun around, nearly choking on my inhale as I saw Noah. "Yeah, sorry."

"It might snow soon, by the looks of it."

I nodded. It was definitely cold enough.

"I can tell there's something on your mind. Why don't you tell me?" He spoke again.

I shook my head. "I don't know."

I had no idea where to begin trying to explain the knot of conflicting emotions stuck in my heart. The feeling of thinking you owe someone; the feeling of being convinced you're a disappointment to someone you care about. How do you put those into words?

"Is this about Saturday night?" Noah asked.

"No," I said defensively, before realizing I wasn't even convincing myself and it would be better to own up. "Yeah. I just think you deserve an explanation."

Noah nodded. "You can tell me whatever you want." He must've seen the nervousness in my eyes. "Only if you want to of course," he added.

"Ok" I said, trying to breathe deeply to shake off the tightness in my chest. I still wasn't sure exactly what to say or even where to begin, but I just decided to start talking before I could convince myself not to. "So, you know how I've been living all over the place since I was young?"

Noah nodded.

"Well a lot of the places I lived were kind of.." I trailed off, trying to search for the right word. Abusive? Hell? "You had to learn to survive there. A lot of the things that happened are still sort of...with me."

I paused and forced myself to look at Noah- to check his reaction. He didn't say a word, so I trained my gaze back on the ocean and kept going.

"So the truth is as much as I want to move on, I just can't. And, well, there was one place I stayed where it was really bad." I swallowed, my mouth dry. "This guy, he was way worse than anyone else."

"What happened?" Noah said softly

"He did some really bad things to me." I felt my voice break as I uttered the word that made me hang my head in burning shame. "Sexually."

I couldn't tell if it was the wind or my lingering fear that rushed a chill through my body. I couldn't believe I was actually admitting it.

"So I'm sorry," I said, trying to pull my grimace into a smile that might convince him I was doing ok. "That's why I ran away. When you touch me, it feels like he's still there, like he's the one touching me- I can't help it. Even just talking about it, I feel like he'll find me." My last sentence came out as a whisper, "He'll hear me telling."

Noah gasped. "Oh my gosh."

"I know you're probably mad at me because I couldn't do anything. I hurt you. I'm mad at me too. I just... I don't know what I can do anymore other than tell you the truth, which is that I really do want to be with you. And I hate that it's so hard." I didn't even know if anything I'd said made any sense. Words just spilled out of me in a jumble.

"I don't know what to say..." Noah's voice was like nothing I'd ever heard.

My heart pounded and a sharp ache rippled through my body along a new wave of fear. I shouldn't have told him. This was too much for him. Why was I so stupid? Selfish. "I'm sorry."

"No, oh my gosh, don't be sorry Will! I'm glad you told me, thank you for trusting me enough to tell me."

"You're not mad?" I could've sworn he regretted ever being nice to me.

"Not at all. I just said that because I wish there was more I could do to help you. It hurts my heart to hear how much pain you've endured."

"Just don't leave me alone," I begged him. "Please."

""I'm here," Noah said. "I won't ever leave."

I nodded, tears beginning to spill out of my eyes, as it felt like they had been so fucking much lately. "Thank you."

"Can I give you a hug?" Noah asked.

I nodded, wiping my eyes. His arms wrapped tight around me and I burst into a new round of tears at the feeling, returning the embrace. There was so much pain, fear, and confusion swirling around inside of me, but somehow alongside it there was a tremendous sense of relief. Of safety.

"I will always be here for you." Noah spoke softly. "Friends, more than friends, whatever this is, I'm in for the ride."

I laid my head on his shoulder. "I think I love you."

A/N
Finally published this chapter. I am shocked that this story has reached 3k reads. Thank you to everyone who has been reading and enjoying this story even while I couldn't update it.

I hope the updates will be regular from here on.

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