Drown in You

23. I'll manage

Just like that, the week flew by, and before I knew it, it was Monday again. I hadn't seen Noah over the weekend, which was highly unusual for us at this point. He told me his parents were upset about the last score he got in math so he needed to stay home and study before finals. He rarely talked about his parents, so I figured it was best not to give him a hard time even though his grades were perfectly fine. It had been kind of difficult to find ways to bide my time all alone though.

That day, I could tell he wasn't in the best mood. I finally decided to ask him about it during drama class, where the teacher had given us a free period. "So is everything ok?"

Noah looked up from his phone. "Hm? What do you mean?"

"I don't know, you just seem quiet today."

He shut off his phone and leaned back in his chair. "Sorry. It's just my parents. They've been all over me ever since they got home last week, and they're not leaving again till next year."

I didn't really know much about his parents except that they were always busy working or away on business trips. "That sucks. I didn't know they were so strict."

"Yeah..." he sighed, "It's sort of stressful. I don't know how much we'll be able to hang out this week."

"That's ok," I said, even though I was actually pretty disappointed. But it was the last week of school before Christmas break, so I reminded myself that we'd have plenty of time to hang out once school was over.

"Are you gonna be ok all on your own?" He joked.

"I guess I'll manage," I replied, only half joking. "Are you gonna be ok with your parents?"

"I guess I'll manage too."

•••

And so we managed.

Carol was a bit surprised when I showed up early after school, but she didn't say much. I tried to spend my time doing homework in my own form of solidarity. I figured, if Noah had to spend the week all alone studying when he was already such a good student, the least I could do is work hard alongside him while we couldn't be together.

As it turned out, spending less time together was really difficult after so long of being together all the time. The feeling of irrational aloneness crept up on me. I entered a cycle of questioning Noah's intentions and wondering if he was avoiding me on purpose, before scolding myself for being so unreasonable and selfish. I kept feeling as if it was my fault Noah's grades were falling.

By the end of the week, I was struggling to cope. On Thursday night, I decided to try to make a drawing for Noah as a "good luck on finals" gift. I wasn't too good at drawing people, so instead I worked on some flowers in an abstract style. The drawing took form, spiraling petals of two flowers overlapping each other on the page. Drawing and doodling was a simple pastime, but over the years it became more and more important to me. After all, it wasn't too hard to get your hands on a pencil and some paper that could provide hours of entertainment to a bored kid. As I filled in the flower petals, shading with my pencil, my thoughts drifted back to those times.

I remembered drawing a picture for another kid in the same home. I didn't even realize it at the time but it was an innocent, oblivious crush. Before I could stop it, my train of thought led to the events that followed that drawing. My pencil flew off course, drawing a dark and jagged line down the page as I flinched from the sudden lurch in my stomach that came with the memories.

I leapt up from my desk and headed into the bathroom to shower off the feeling of that man's touch. Under the stream of warm water, I squeezed my eyes shut and pinched the bridge of my nose, begging myself to snap out of it. I didn't want to think of him or the way he exploited that innocent crush. I didn't want to remember the way he told me he was helping me figure out if I really liked boys or not.

After the shower, I climbed onto my bed and curled up into a ball with my knees up to my chest, waiting for Noah to text me Goodnight. I needed him. I needed him to... Eventually, it was nearly midnight but no message had come. I debated calling him, but decided not to bother him. Instead, I just messaged him first and went to bed uneasily.

When I woke up, I felt someone's shadow over me. Frightened, I squeezed my eyes shut again and didn't dare move.

"Will, it's me."

No, no no no. It was that voice. HIS voice.

"Come on, I know you're awake."

His hand brushed my shoulder and I jerked upright, scrambling to back myself into the corner of the bed. "Go away."

His face was blurry but I could still see his sneering lips as he said mockingly, "Are you scared? You're such a baby."

Rage boiled inside me, almost completely eclipsing fear. "How are you here? How did you-"

"I came to take you back with me."

"No! I won't go! Fuck off!" I persisted.

"Oh come on," he said, the same condescending tone coloring his voice. "You must know that he doesn't actually like you."

"What-" Did he mean Noah? How did he know??

"I'M the only one who will love you, Will. Nobody else out there can handle you." He leaned forward, putting his knee up onto my bed, causing me to press my back further into the wall. "So stop fighting and just admit it."

I shook my head as he came closer, fighting tears. Why? Why was this happening now?

"No!" My voice came out like a strangled cry.

He just laughed and came even closer, his hands reaching out towards me. I felt like a helpless prey being hunted by a predator.

Despair swallowed me the longer time passed. And suddenly, I couldn't scream. I couldn't say no. I couldn't do anything but struggle aimlessly to avoid the unavoidable.

My eyes flew open as I violently sat up and erupted into a burst of heavy breathing, gulping for air. I frantically scanned the room several times to make sure I was alone, shuddering against the chill throughout my body. My breathing didn't calm down, instead just growing faster and faster. I glued my eyes to the ceiling and dug my nails into my arms and tried to fight the panic. It didn't work.

I tried to assure myself it was just a dream, repeating the words over and over in my brain until eventually my body began to calm itself down. I let my arms go slowly and took a slow, deep, but shaky breath. Once again, I looked around the room, trying to further ground myself. But this time, the sight of a figure in the doorway nearly sent me into panic all over again. I cried out and nearly fell off the bed from shock.

"Will, it's just me." Carol's voice was nervous.

I let out a weak, exasperated noise that sounded like some combination of a groan and a sigh. "Jesus fucking Christ."

"What happened?" She said, hesitantly stepping into the room.

Shame crept up on me as I realized my screaming must've woken her up. There was nothing quite like utter embarrassment to pull you out of your mind.

"Nothing." I mumbled.

"It didn't seem like nothing. Are you ok?"

Shame morphed into annoyance and I snapped at her. "I'm fine. If you're mad about getting woken up, maybe it wouldn't happen if I had an actual door."

I was fed up with feeling unsafe and on edge at the lack of privacy. A door wasn't much but not having one changed a lot. And I didn't have the tact to avoid snapping right now.

"I'd have to ask Bill about that..." Carol said softly.

I shut my eyes and bit the inside of my cheek. I wanted to be alone. "Can you go now? Please?"

She sighed. "Ok. Go back to bed then."

I waited until a few moments after hearing her bedroom door close to stand up and go to the bathroom. I needed to take another shower.

A/N
Thanks for reading!
I will try to update next week too (but I can't make any 100% promises).

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