Drown in You

19. Such a mess

I don't quite remember how we got to Noah's bedroom. At some point between the kiss and now, we must've made our way into the house and up the stairs.

And suddenly, I was on the bed, Noah climbing on top of me, reaching to take his shirt off.

My eyes darted around the room. I had to keep it together. I had to stay in the present. I swallowed hard and returned my gaze to Noah.

Don't leave me.

If this is what would make him stay with me, I'd do it. I'd swallow my dumb feelings. This is Noah- Noah is different. Noah isn't like them, isn't like him. I shuddered as my fingers reached up to trace his cheekbone.

Every muscle in my body screamed "don't do it," but my mind was made up.

I inhaled deeply as Noah kissed me, alarm bells still growing louder on my conscious. Time began to move in what felt like slow motion and double speed all at the same time.

He reached underneath my shirt, and I let him pull it over my head. I could see his hands on my body, but I couldn't feel it. A terrible numbness crept up over me and I could only watch as the two of us grew more and more intimate. I tried to focus my attention yet again on my breathing, finding it growing more and more uncontrollable.

Noah hadn't spoken a word since we came into his room. The silence threw me off. I silently prayed for him to say something, anything, so I could at least have his voice to hold on to. To keep him separate from the awful moments my mind teleporting me to at lightning speed.

I couldn't do it anymore, I realized. I was moments away from falling completely into a flashback, or worse, a panic. I looked up at him, kissing my neck, and my arms fell from his back.

"S-stop."

He pulled away instantly. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as we stared at each other, both of us just trying to process what had just happened.

"What's wrong?" He spoke quietly.

"I'm sorry, I can't do it. Not right now." I was crying. There would be no more keeping the tears at bay.

"I don't understand. I thought you wanted this?"

I did, I do, but-" I stopped. How could I possibly explain?

Noah laid down next to me, and suddenly he was crying too. "I'm sorry," he sobbed. "I moved too quickly, I-"

"It's ok," I said through tears of my own. "It's not your fault."

The two of us laid side by side without speaking, crying out all our tears. Eventually, I could feel my heart rate return to normal, the panic that had built inside of me finally subsiding. I turned to face Noah, and we just stared at each other for a while, the slightest smile on our lips.

"We're such a mess," I said finally.

He reached out push my hair out of my eyes. "I don't mind."

•••

I woke up to the sound of the doorbell. I turned to Noah, still fast asleep, his arm out over my shirtless chest. I reached over and peeled his arm away, getting up out of the bed and throwing on my shirt as quietly as I could. I peered through the shutters, and my heart sank. Outside was Carol's car.

I went back to the bed and shook Noah's shoulder. "Carol's here."

"Don't go," He said, half asleep.

"...I have to." As much as I wished I could stay here forever, I knew I had no choice now that I'd been found.

He sat up and rubbed his face before looking up at me. "Are you going to be ok?"

I nodded. "Don't worry."

We stared at each other for a moment, and I almost slipped back into thoughts about the night before, but the doorbell rang two more times, pulling me back to reality. I continued gathering my things and throwing them into my backpack.

"Call me when you get home. Let me know what happened," Noah said.

"I will," I said, nearly at the door. I could hear Noah follow me down the stairs, and he lingered in the hallway as I reached the door.

I gave him one last smile before pulling it open to face my doom. My chest felt ridiculously tight.

Carol didn't give me her usual bright smile. She had massive dark circles under her eyes, and her hair looked messier than usual. "Did you enjoy your vacation?"

I nodded and stepped hesitantly out the door, pulling it shut behind me. I felt like I was walking to my execution.

Throughout the entire car ride home I was bursting with questions, but I was too scared to pierce the harsh silence. Carol's knuckles were white on the steering wheel, her lips pursed together tightly. I wanted to sink into my seat and become one with the leather.

When we finally pulled into the house, only then did Carol speak. "To the kitchen."

I didn't even consider doing anything else but listening.

Inside, Bill was already at the kitchen table. I took a seat as far from him as possible, while Carol elected to sit next to him. I stared down into my lap, anxiety overwhelming me.

"Let's have a calm discussion," Bill spoke first. "First, Carol and I will apologize. This weekend we realised that the two of us may have gotten carried away and neglected to consider your feelings."

I froze. They were apologizing?

"But we need more communication from you for us to know when we're upsetting you. So if there's anything you want to tell us..."

I couldn't believe I wasn't being yelled at. I had fully expected to come back here and be screamed at, or even to be kicked out completely. It wouldn't be the first time.

"Will?"

I looked up. Both of them were looking at me. I quickly spoke. "I'm sorry for running."

"Why did you run?"

Because I couldn't control the overwhelming fear that you were going to beat my ass for trying not to starve. "I don't know."

Carol sighed. "We were scared to death. I don't know what we would do if I hadn't found you today."

I stared at my hands in my lap. "Sorry."

"Sorry doesn't quite cut it," Bill commented under his breath.

I flinched. Did that mean they were kicking me out? "D- did you tell?"

"Tell?" Carol asked, surprise on her voice. "Tell who?"

"Did you tell Jan that I...?"

"We didn't." I felt relief wash over me as she spoke. "But that doesn't mean you can do this again. Because then, we might have no choice," Carol sighed. "We can't keep doing this, Will. You have to communicate with us."

I bit my lip. What did they expect me to say?

Bill stood up from the table. "I have work to do. Let's finish this discussion another time."

I glanced quickly at Carol, still at the table with her head in her hands, before slowly standing up and following Bill out of the kitchen.

When I arrived to my room, the door wasn't shut. In fact, there was no door at all.

"What the fuck?"

Was this their idea for my punishment? How creative.

Under normal circumstances, I probably would've been pretty annoyed. But right now I was too tired to care. I flopped down on the bed, which had been restored to its original state, and pulled out my phone to text Noah.

Home now- everything is fine.
See you monday.

A/N
I hope you enjoyed this chapter! It is my first time writing an intimate scene like this, and trying to properly convey all the intense and complicated emotions was definitely difficult. I hope you were able to feel it.
If you enjoyed please do vote and comment! I love to hear from you <3