Drown in You

18. A burden to you

Noah agreed without hesitating. His parents were away on a business trip, so we had his place to ourselves. We sat at the table drinking tea for a while, and eventually he let me use his shower. The warm water and steam helped me calm down, at least a little.

After a while, the two of us found ourselves laid down on Noah's bed. It was a twin size without much extra space for the two of us, our shoulders pressed together.

"I'll put sheets on the spare bedroom, if you want," Noah offered.

"Ok, but maybe later." I admitted, "I don't really want to be alone right now,"

"Ok then."

My phone vibrated for the thousandth time that night, and I sighed, pulling it out of my pocket to shut it off.

"Shouldn't you tell them where you are? They're probably worried," Noah said.

I threw the phone across the room. "I'm not talking to them. They'd come straight here to get me and I... I can't go back there."

"I'm sorry," Noah said. "But, shouldn't you contact your social worker? If there's abuse-"

"That's now how this works," I cut him off. I knew I was basically a runaway now, and getting found was endgame. "Contacting social is a ticket to trouble. And there's no abuse, not that it matters." I muttered the last bit.

Noah propped himself up on pillows. "Are you being honest?"

"Don't worry," I could feel myself being cornered into revealing more than I'd intended to. "Tonight was...It reminded me of the past. In a bad way."

"What happened?" He asked quietly.

"They went through my room," I said with a sigh, aware that now that I'd started there was no stopping. "Found my spare cigarettes and some other stuff. I know it's my fault for thinking, for hoping that this time would be different. I used to..., you don't get anything as a foster kid. Things get stolen. You have to protect what's yours."

"That sounds terrible. I'm sorry."

Me too," I said. "I mean, now that I've run away on them, there's really no making up for it."

"You can stay here as long as you want," Noah said, before adding. "Well, my parents get back in a week. Things might be complicated then, but-"

"Thank you," I said, and it was sincere.

Noah's cheeks went red. "Of course."

•••

"Come on, Will. You know what happens now."

He was coming closer. His hands were outstretched. Suddenly, I could feel his touch on my shoulders. I cried out in protest. "No!"

He didn't stop. His hands shook me, pinned me down on the bed. I kicked out my legs- anything to stop him from coming closer, from--

"Ow!" He cried out in pain. I panted hard, shocked that I'd actually managed to hurt him. I peered up cautiously in anticipation of the hit I knew was sure to come.

I gasped and stared at the hand clutched in mine, following its path up and to the person it belonged to.

Noah.

Slowly, horrifically, I realised what had happened.

"Will?" Noah's voice was cautious. Like I was a freshly reconstructed statue that would shatter if he spoke too loudly.

I nodded and let go of his hand. "I'm here. Sorry."

He sighed. "Thank god."

Heavy, shaky breaths heaved in my chest and I stared up at Noah, whose face was still painted with an expression of concern. The nightmare all seemed like a blur now. How much did I say? No... how much did he know?

"What happened?" I asked.

"You fell asleep here last night, after we finished talking. I didn't want to wake you so I thought I'd just let you sleep. I slept on the floor, I promise," Noah started. "But then, you started having a nightmare. Well, that's what I think it was. You were crying out...and-," he paused, "When I tried to wake you up, you kicked me."

I sighed. "I'm so sorry."

"It's ok! I needed a test of my core strength anyway" He said with a laugh.

I could feel a smile form on my lips. It was incredible how he could make everything so much better so easily. "Yeah, I was practicing boxing in my dreams. Guess I'm too strong."

•••

We spent the day together, relaxing. It was a Saturday, so there was no school to worry about. We made breakfast together, played videogames, and just passed time together. It was perfect. Noah's place felt like it's own little world, separate from everything else.

Eventually, we sat on the back deck to watch the sun set over the ocean. The view was perfect, the pink and orange sky reflected on the surface of the water. I almost lost myself in the serenity of the moment, but the sound of a quiet sob next to me pulled me back.

"Noah?" I immediately turned to look at him. "What's wrong?"

He shook his head and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "I just wish it didn't have to be so hard for you."

I felt a pang in my chest. This level of empathy was so unfamiliar to me. "It's not your fault."

"I know but," he was still crying. "I wish I could do more."

"Hey, I have you. That's more than enough. I mean it."

He sniffed. "I- I feel like I'm a burden to you."

If anything, I was the burden.

"How can you say that?" I almost whispered. "Isn't it obvious that you're the most important person to me?"

He whipped his head up to look at me. As we stared at each other, my mind drifted back to the first time we sat together on this beach. The way he'd kissed me. The way I'd run off. I imagined the way he must have felt all this time. And I found myself filled with an overwhelming fear. A fear that soon, his beautiful, kind heart would be pushed to its limits. Soon, if he didn't get what he'd been wanting from me all this time, he'd leave.

And I'd be alone again.

So, before I could scare myself out of it, I leaned in to kiss him.

We pulled apart after only a moment. My heart was pounding, but it was exhilarating. I could feel the threat of panic looming in my mind, but I ignored it. After all, I wanted this, didn't I? All the feelings I felt for him- this was what they were supposed to lead to.

An instant later, our lips touched again. I squeezed my eyes shut, but opened them again when that only brought the dangerous memories closer to the surface.

Our kiss lasted for several, uncountable seconds filled with the most disturbing mix of exhilaration and complete terror.

A/N
Will's fear of abandonment is taking control :( this is such a scary and important moment for our story.

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