Drown in You

30. Goodbye

"We're here," Jan said as she put the car into park. I looked warily out the window.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" She asked, noticing my hesitation.

I nodded and opened the car door. "I'm sure."

At the hospital, Jan told me that I wouldn't be going back to the o'Neils. Apparently, between my runaway attempt and the recent accident, social services decided it would be best to move me back to a secure group home. Jan said it was unlikely I would leave before I aged out. She told me the o'Neils were sad to see me go. I didn't believe her, and when I said so, she added that they mentioned things were getting difficult with Eliot's behavior issues so they were looking into other options. I put two and two together and realized they were going to give up on me.

I won't lie, it hurt a little. But I was used to it.

All my stuff was already packed for me, in the same disorganized trash bags as always, so I didn't even say goodbye to the o'Neils. I didn't care. It was Noah I was sad about leaving. Which is why I begged Jan to let me stop by his house before we left. I had to see his face one more time.

As I approached the door, I realized there was a big chance I could be yelled at by his parents again. I decided the risk was worth it and shoved down any fear.

Nobody answered the door. I rang the bell again, and then again and again. There wasn't a sound from inside the house.

In that moment, I didn't cry. I didn't beg for Noah to come out and hug me– I banged on the door as hard as I could.

"Hey!" I screamed. "Get the fuck out here!"

I pounded the door till my palm burned and then I began to kick it.

Nobody was home? What kind of bullshit was this?

"Get, the, fuck, out, here," I kicked the door between each word, "and say goodbye to me you, fucking, ASSHOLE!"

Finally, I fell down, completely out of breath. The tears that fell were hot against my face as I panted, glaring up at the door.

"You can't just leave," I choked out. "How am I supposed to say goodbye?"

Was this really the end? The complete lack of closure made reality that much harder to accept.

Finally, reluctantly, I realized nobody was going to come to the door, as much as I wanted them to. I wasn't going to see Noah. I forced myself to stand up and head back to the car.

"No luck?" Jan asked, turning to look at me as I got in.

"No shit," I said, wiping the tears from my cheek. "Pretend you didn't see that."

"I didn't," she said, with a little smile. "I have better things to do than watch you kick a door down you know."

I groaned. "If you're trying to make me feel better you're failing."

"On the contrary," Jan said as we began to drive away.

I turned my head to look back for the last time at Noah's house, and the last glimpse of my universe, as it slowly disappeared from view.

•••

We drove for hours in silence.

Only when the sun had almost completely disappeared below the horizon, Jan finally spoke again. "It will be ok," she said. "You'll start over again like always. You'll be settled in in no time."

I continued to stare out the window, but before I knew it, the words that had been on my mind for days now poured out of my mouth. "I wish I just died that night."

It was true. The moment Noah was gone, my life was over. I should have died right then and there in the snowstorm. But now that the words were out in the open air and not just in my head, they seemed to hold a lot more weight.

"Will," Jan said quietly.

"Y-yeah?"

"Do you remember how your mom died?"

Why was she bringing this up now?

I took a deep breath. "Yeah, it was a drug dispute."

Jan shook her head. "It's true that your mom had an addiction problem, but she wasn't murdered over it."

"What?"

"She took her own life," Jan said plainly.

I was too stunned to respond. I tried to file this information away in a way that fit my limited knowledge of my mom. Even though I really never knew her, my heart began to hurt at the thought. This changed so much about what I thought of her, the way I understood my life and the world around me.

"I didn't tell you when you were younger because I thought it was too much for you to handle."

"How could you lie to me?" I said finally, still in shock. "No, why are you telling me this now?"

"Because you need to know," She said. "If there's no other reason for you to keep going right now, do it for your mom. Live the life she couldn't live. You need to grow up and be happy. That's what she would've wanted for you."

"I don't get it." All this did was make me feel more hopeless.

"I know. But you will eventually– you need to. You've made it this far, through everything that's hard about life. God knows you've had it a lot harder than most people. At some point, there's nowhere to go but up."

"I don't think... I'm meant to be happy," I said softly.

"You were happy here, weren't you?"

"I guess, but look how that turned out."

"A bump on the road to happiness doesn't mean you can't still get there eventually. Give it time. You're only 15, Will. You have a life ahead of you and so much could change."

It was hard to see any future right now. It felt like I was leaving every hope of happiness behind. But I grew too tired to try and express that out loud again. So I just nodded. "I'll try."

"That's all that matters," Jan said. "Just keep trying."

"I will," I said, and tried to promise it to myself. I would keep trying. I would keep going. Even if it's pointless, I'd look for happiness.

I told myself those words over and over again, wishing that if I said it enough times, I might believe it.

I will get through this.

I will see Noah again.

I will be happy.

End of part 1
Continue to next chapter for author's note~