Drown in You

16: Let me try yours

I ended up telling Dr. Allen about what happened. I didn't have much of a choice, since Carol had pretty much already spilled her idea of the situation. But for some reason, I actually felt motivated to tell my side of the story. I'm not really sure why. I guess it still bothered me that I was blamed for what Eliot did, even though it was no surprise.

"I can't wait till I'm 18 and I don't have to deal with this anymore," I finished.

Dr. Allen didn't say anything for a moment. When she did, it wasn't the "being an independent adult isn't easy" lecture I was expecting. "You don't ever think about being adopted?"

I snorted. Adoption? I'd lost my chance for that a long time ago. "That's impossible."

"What makes you say that?"

"Only little kids get adopted. Not teenagers like me."

"That isn't true," She persisted. I knew she was lying.

"Trust me. If it was in the cards for me to get adopted it would've happened a long time ago." For a kid like me, orphaned as a baby, to still manage not to get adopted even when I was all young and cute and wantable, I'd accepted a long time ago that it wasn't going to happen now either. "I've fucked up too many times."

"That isn't your fault," she pointed out.

"Who's fault is it then?" I asked.

"Does it have to be anyone's fault?" She countered.

I laughed bitterly. "It would be a lot easier if it was."

We were silent again for a moment. I leaned back in my chair to stretch and sighed. "I'm not gonna lie, doc. Right now it's feeling like Eliot's fault."

"Is it?"

"Big time." I nodded, thinking over the situation again. "Freaking sociopath..."

"Maybe he had a good reason," she mused, watching closely for my reaction.

"If you're gonna defend him, I'm leaving."

"Don't you think it's important to understand other people's emotions and motivations?"

"Oh I know exactly why he did it," I said. "He knows I'm not worth shit in that house and I'm automatically up for blame in the first place. I've caught him lurking around before, including when I was first getting fried for the stupid earrings. He knew what he was doing."

Dr. Allen sighed. "You hold a lot of anger, Will."

"I have a lot to be angry about."

"Don't you want to tell me about it?"

I tried not to roll my eyes. I'd already talked more than I'd talked in a long time. How much more did she expect me to say? "I'm angry that I have to be an outsider in someone else's home and get blamed for everyone's shit."

The therapist nodded. "And?"

"That's it."

"I think there's more, don't you?"

I let out a long sigh. "I'm angry that I don't have a family. I'm angry at my crackhead mom for bringing me here and just fucking leaving, and I'm angry at every single bastard who made my life hell along the way. Happy?"

I ignored the tension in my chest and the heat in my cheeks that had built up as I spoke and stared at her, hoping my harsh words might have caught her at least a little off guard.

"I'm glad you're opening up," she said in that repulsive completely unempathetic tone that all therapists seemed to have mastered. "It's the first step to healing."

"Sure." And I knew reaffirmed that it was impossible for me to get through to her. It was useless to even try.

•••

The next day at school, I was still feeling down from the whole ordeal. Noah could tell. I tried not to snap at him, but it wasn't easy. It was our peer tutoring session, but I couldn't focus at all. I stared at the paper, the incomplete math problems like illegible squiggles on the page, almost taunting me.

"Was it that bad?" Noah asked.

I nodded. It couldn't have been much worse, actually.

"Don't you want to talk about it?"

I sighed. "I already told you everything."

It was a lie. I'd left out the part where I fell so far into a flashback that I thought I was about to get beaten to death.

"It doesn't seem like it," He pressed on. "I know it'll feel better to open up-"

"Can we just move on?" I snapped. The last thing I wanted was to be pressured to open up. "Please."

"Sorry. It just hurts to see you like this."

I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "I'm fine."

Noah squinted at me hard. I tried my hardest to keep from laughing. "Hmm..." he said. "Alright then. What do you say we go do something fun?"

"The great Noah, ditching class?" I said doubtfully.

"I'll call myself out. It's not ditching that way."

"Sure." And I'd just let Carol click her tongue at me when she saw me get home tonight. She'd given up on being openly mad at me for attendance, just like I'd given up on trying to look good.

•••

"It's a little cold for ice cream," I commented belatedly. It was a windy day and the sky looked like it could rain at any moment, but we sat outside anyway.

Noah laughed. "It's better that way. Doesn't melt as fast."

"I guess you're right," I said, and took another bite of mine.

"I wonder why Eliot blamed you," Noah said suddenly.

I sighed. "Why are we talking about this again?"

"Well maybe it's cause I'm an only child but I don't see how a twelve year old can be that bratty."

"What if I told you I was even worse?" I asked, curious for his response.

"I wouldn't believe you," He said with a smile. We made eye contact for a brief moment, and I found myself staring before suddenly turning away.

"Hmm." I considered telling him that when I was 12 I was living in a secure group home one stop away from juvie, but decided against it. Didn't want to ruin things again. Instead, I waved my spoon at him and said "Let my try yours."

A/N
Hope you enjoyed! Comments and votes would mean so much to me <3
Chapter 17 should come soon as well :)