Drown in You

27. Tuesday nights

"So, Will, this is our last session together for now. Have you heard?" Dr. Allen asked me.

I nodded. Jan had told me. I guess I'd managed to convince her I was doing better when she did her 4 month check-in. It was now early February

"How are your flashbacks?"

"Fine."

"And your panic attacks?"

"Fine," I said again.

It was true- lately I had been having less attacks, and I was able to ground myself more when one did happen.

As if on cue, "Have those grounding techniques we discussed been working?"

As much as I hated to admit it, they did help. "Yeah."

"Great. I'm really glad to hear that," She said. I decided to believe that she meant it. "Keep using them."

"I will."

"And I want you to remember that none of what happened to you in your childhood is your fault."

Oh no. I called this one the "Good Will Hunting maneuver." Usually when therapists tried this, it wasn't as emotional as in the movie.

"I know you're rolling your eyes at me, but I mean it," Dr. Allen said. "It's very easy to get into a self-blaming mindset and you need to do your best to catch those thoughts and turn away from them."

"Got it," I said. On the inside, it was still much harder to believe her. On the inside, I realized there really was a part of me that blamed myself for everything bad that had happened. I wasn't sure why. Maybe it was because of my own guilt. Maybe it was because of all the things people had said to me over the years, or maybe a combination of both.

Regardless, I didn't want those feelings to prevent me from finally achieving therapy freedom, so I kept them to myself.

When the session finished I pulled out my phone to Facetime Noah, a new favorite of ours since Christmas. "Guess who's done with therapy, forever?"

"Yay!" Noah cheered through the screen.

"I'm officially free on Tuesday nights," I said.

"What about this Tuesday night?"

"Probably," I smiled. Homework still came second despite my teachers' best efforts. Sticking me with Noah for tutoring also probably wasn't the smartest in hindsight.

"Sweet," Noah said. "I'll come pick you up in a few."

•••

I sat still, jaw clenched shut, my gaze trained on the ceiling. Somehow after arriving at Noah's place, we'd ended up here, the most intimate we'd ever been together.

"You're so quiet, are you ok?"

Noah's voice snapped me out of my trance and I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding. I looked down at him, his face looking up at me, and felt my body get hot. I nodded. "Sorry."

The truth was, I was so used to being quiet at times like this. He used to hit me and cover my mouth or press my face into the sheets if I made any noise. "If you aren't quiet, we'll get caught."

"Will, are you ok?" Noah once again brought me back to the present.

"Yes," I said, trying to sound confident. "Keep going."

The truth was, I did want this.

Even if part of me wasn't perfectly ok with it yet, I didn't want to keep letting that part control me. I was so tired of being controlled by the past, and by the people who made it miserable. Being with Noah pulled me into a whole new universe, different from the pain I'd grown up with, and different from the numbness I'd grown used to dulling that pain with. Feeling didn't have to be bad. There was more to life than emptiness and wounded, fearful apathy.

"We don't have to do anything you don't want to do," Noah said softly.

It wasn't like everything was perfect. In fact, it was far from it. But having someone like Noah, someone I trusted to share these moments with, was what I needed to grow. And having security in our relationship, despite my lingering fear of abandonment, helped me remember to take risks on my own terms. This moment was a far cry from the night we shared back when I ran away. Back then, he was still worried I didn't like him, and I was convinced that I owed it to him, that it was what I needed to do to keep him from leaving me.

But now, we knew each other so much better than that. Noah's repeated affirmations and reminders of security helped me push aside those intruding anxieties, and my slow path towards emotional honesty helped Noah better understand my hesitation, even when I still struggled to communicate.

This moment felt beautiful and warm. It felt right.

"I love you so much."

•••

I stared at the shattered phone on the kitchen table. It was the phone I got from Noah only a month ago. It wouldn't even turn on anymore.

"Well?" Bill said. "Explain yourself."

He was talking to Eliot, the evident culprit.

Eliot had been rebelling more and more lately, starting from ditching class, defiance, and now this. But unlike the petty stuff, this actually hurt me.

I waited, just as eager to hear his reasoning.

"It was an accident."

I rolled my eyes. Give me a break.

"Eliot, the phone is very badly broken," Carol spoke.

"And?"

I sighed through my nose. Clearly, much like the others, this court interrogation didn't seem like it would go very far.

"Why would you do this?"

When Eliot didn't reply, Bill turned to me. "Well, did you do anything to make him mad?"

I tried not to sound irritated when I replied. "Does that make this my fault?"

"No, but we're trying to get to the bottom of this. Everyone can tell their side of the story."

"I honestly don't know. I found it like that after I got home." I'd forgotten it today when I went to school. When I got home to find it broken, I immediately went to confront Eliot about it and then Bill and Carol got involved.

Eliot took a momentary break from pleading the fifth. "You probably broke it in your sleep."

"I don't sleep walk. And even if I did I wouldn't be dumb enough to smash my own phone. It was a gift too."

"What kind of friend even gives a freaking iphone for Christmas?" He scoffed.

Right as he said that, I knew why he did it. It was an act of jealousy, specifically one over me and Noah, and the kind of happiness I'd found.

A/N
I am so so so sorry for how long this update took... to be honest this chapter is not really where I wanted it to be yet but I felt so guilty about not updating that I decided to publish it. I'm sorry the scenes are a bit disjointed and abrupt.

I will do my best to publish every 2 weeks or so. I can't manage any more than that guys, I'm so sorry.

Thank you so much for reading and enjoying!! As always let me know what you thought, it makes my day :)