Drown in You

29. Inside of your head

The boy opened his eyes slowly. He could only see white. A small groan, barely more than air, escaped his lips as he tried to speak. Quiet as it was, it was enough for a nurse to hear.

"You're awake," she said. The boy felt her hand stroke his hair. Normally, he would've jumped at such an unexpected touch but he was too drowsy to move, and the only sign of the way he startled was the momentary spike in heart rate that appeared on the monitor by the bed.

"You poor thing," the nurse said. "Wait here. I'll get the doctor."

The boy wanted to stop her, to ask why he was there, but she left before he could find the energy to speak. Left alone in the room, he felt fear creep up on him. Through the haze, he couldn't remember more than that single emotion. But it was enough.

The doctor came in quickly. He asked the boy if he could tell him what happened.

Suddenly, the boy's eyes grew wide. He started to scream and cry. The machines began to chorus as his heart rate skyrocketed and the police officers who had been sitting in the hallway outside burst into the room, despite the nurse's attempts to keep them out.

Over the chaos, the doctor screamed for a sedative.

•••

I knew I was in the hospital before I even opened my eyes. I could feel the IV in my arm and I could hear the quiet beeping around me. My head ached like crazy.

I sat up and covered my eyes with one hand, trying to rewind my brain to the last thing I remembered. Slowly, it came back to me. Valentine's day. Noah's house. Noah's mom.

"You will never see him again."

The grief hit me all over again. I couldn't process the idea. It couldn't be true, could it? Noah wouldn't leave me, would he? My memory flickered back to every sideways glance, every awkward pause, every minute and meaningless microexpression that I'd so warily worried over. Maybe my worrying wasn't pointless after all. Maybe it was only a matter of time. Maybe I was the foolish one for thinking I could be happy.

I felt tears sting my eyes as the door opened and a nurse walked in. I tried to play it off like I was just rubbing my eyes, but the tears weren't cooperating.

"Lay back down," the nurse said. "You still need to rest."

I was fully sobbing by now. I pulled my knees up to my chest and buried my face under my arms.

"Hey," she poked me. "Do you hear me?"

I shook my head. I just wanted her to go away.

I heard her sigh. She called to someone outside the room that I couldn't see before leaving me alone.

Eventually my tears began to subside.

I sniffled and reached down to rip the IV out of my arm– I wasn't going to fix anything by staying here.

I had to go find Noah and see for myself, to hear him say to my face that he didn't love me.

I forced myself to stand up and held on to the rail of the bed for balance while I waited for my head to stop spinning. When the black speckles across my vision finally faded, I began to walk.

As I walked through the ward, I felt nervous like everyone had their eyes on me. Did I stick out like that much of a sore thumb?

I hobbled my way down the hall. My whole body ached but I was determined.

I was nearly home free when I heard a voice call out. "Hey! Where are you going?"

I looked behind me only to see several nurses walking extremely quickly in my direction. Panicked, I began to pick up my pace to a run. Well, as much of a run as I could manage. I quickly turned a corner, managing to lose them for a moment, and then ran through a door that led to the stairwell.

I felt my energy slipping but I pressed forward. Only when there were no more stairs to climb did I realize I had been going up, not down, and I was now at the door to the roof. I could hear the nurses' footsteps growing nearer, so after a moment's hesitation, I pushed the door open and braced myself for the blast of cold air that hit immediately after.

In this frigid weather, only a few people were on the roof. I looked around, trying to figure out what to do from here. I had to get to Noah. I had to. And yet, I only led myself into a trap.

Within moments, the hospital staff caught up with me and I felt firm hands on my arms. It was good timing, because I felt myself begin to collapse almost immediately after they arrived.

I wanted to scream– I opened my mouth, but no sound came out except a choked gasp. I didn't understand why this was happening to me.

•••

"What made you go up to the roof?"

I stared down at my hands. Even if I wanted to reply, I couldn't in that moment. I felt so numb and detached from myself, like the last of the fight in me had been lost in my pathetic escape attempt and now I was just a shell.

This doctor from psych had been trying to talk to me for what felt like forever now. I knew I was making things worse by not responding, but I didn't move. This misery was too strong to be overridden by logic.

My mind just kept replaying the same few scenes over and over, endlessly remembering that Noah was going to leave me. No, he'd already left me. I was all alone. It was just like I'd been all my life, but why did it feel so much more excruciating now?

"Will, we are all trying to help you here. Only you can tell us what's inside of your head."

I wanted to tell her there was nothing there at all. Without Noah, I was nothing. Nothing but a worthless shell of a person.

•••

I don't remember how much longer I stayed in the hospital. Everything was a massive blur. Even as my body healed, my mind stayed at a standstill. I felt more broken than I'd felt in years.

I remembered all the people who had beaten me down. How had I let myself think I could deserve any more just because one person told me wrong?

All of those thoughts ate me alive.

On one such blurry, miserable day, I was curled up in bed when I heard a voice behind me. "How much longer are you going to pretend you can't talk?"

I turned around to see Jan standing over me, arms crossed.

"You're making me worried," she said.

The sight of a familiar face made me feel a sudden rush of embarrassment at being seen in this state. I covered my face with my hands so she wouldn't see.

Jan waited for a minute, watching, and then took a deep breath.

"Get changed." she threw some clothes on the bed. "It's time to go."

That got my attention. I peeked out from behind my hands. "Am I going home?"

Home... To Noah?

Jan's eyes looked sad. "Something like that. Hurry and change. We'll talk more later."

A/N
I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I know it's a sad one :(
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Next chapter will be uploaded in a week~