Forevermore /// Taylor Swift

Trying

Tw: severe eating disorders/ recovery habits
Havyns pov
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Taylor just held me by the toilet as I shook with fear, tears slipping down my face. I hated that she'd found out. I knew I was going to be force fed and that made me feel more sick.

"You're okay, baby. I've got you." Taylor whispered into my ear softly, slowly stroking my arm as I lay in her arms. I just clung onto her with everything I had in me.

"I don't want help." I mumbled against her.

I felt her sigh, "I know, Haves, but you'll realise that it's the best thing for you."

I looked up into Taylor's ocean blue eyes, seeing them glisten with tears. I shook my head, "I'm sorry."

"This is not your fault, we're going to get through this together. I'm not leaving your side." Taylor reassured.

I nodded, still refusing the help from her.

"I'm fine like this." We both knew that was a lie.

Taylor looked like she was giving up explaining it in a nice way, "we need you here, okay? I want you here, choose recovery please."

Her words stung a little, I knew what she was talking about. The further I took this, the less chance I survive it and the three of them needed me here. I didn't want to agree, I'd hate myself if I'd gain weight. I hate myself now as I am anyway. I just put my head on Taylor's chest in defeat, my body was exhausted from everything that has happened today. I felt her planted a kiss on my head before resting her chin, hugging me close to her. I drifted off into a deep sleep.

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I woke up in Taylor's bed, alone. I looked over at the clock, 6.54am. Where was Taylor?

I went to sit up, but failed as my body was too weak from yesterday. I lay there paralysed, hoping someone would come in. I remembered the events of last night of Taylor begging me to choose recovery. I knew either way it was going to be a long road, if I couldn't stomach a burger. This was literal torture, sighing I rolled over to stare at the door. Why would Taylor leave me here so vulnerably ?

I heard the front door close, panicking I gripped the bedsheets closer to my face. Was no one in the house? I heard the footsteps become louder the closer they got, my heart was thumping so loud I thought it was going to explode. I was shaking in fear, unknowing of who might open the door. Telling myself it'll just be Taylor coming to check on me, it wasn't reassuring me. My breathing became uneasy and unsteady, waiting to see who might appeared. I put a hand on my chest, tugging at my shirt hoping my breaths would even out.

The doorknob began to turn, slowly opening it to reveal Taylor.

I broke down in sobs as she rushed to my side, "Havie, you're okay just breathe with me, follow my breathing."

Once I'd calmed my breathing to copy hers, she just held me in her arms. Slipping into the bed with me. My trauma from my family was more severe than I thought, Taylor shouldn't have to deal with it or me.

"You okay?" She asked gently.

"Yeah sorry." My voice came out squeaky as tears still slipped down my cheeks.

"Don't apologise for something you can't control. I've got you." She always said the right thing, she always knew how to reassure me. I hated being a nuisance to her.

"You didn't sign up for this." I mumbled.

"Havyn, don't be ridiculous," she stroked my hair, kissing my cheek, "I love you so much, I'll help you in any way I can."

She was so sweet and caring. I thought of all the times I had been rude to her, she never deserved it. How did I get so lucky with her and she got so unlucky with me? Maybe she just feels an obligation to help me after the results. Maybe if I wasn't her daughter she'd give us back?

"Havie, I want you here. All of you. My daughter or not, I want to help." It was almost like she read my mind, I looked up at her. Knowing I'm breaking her, pulling her down with me.

My mind was racing with thoughts, I just snuggled into taylor closer hoping they'd stop. It was making my head hurt.

"We should get some breakfast, babe, your siblings are out with my mom so it's just us, okay?" Of course Taylor had preplanned breakfast plans, just so I could eat. It was thoughtful of her, definitely, but now there was no excuse for me. She knew I'd have a wobble with my first meal of recovery, which I wasn't even sure I wanted.

"Can we stay here for a little while first?" I tried to reason with her, more for her comfort and support than anything else.

"Of course we can, Haves." She spoke softly, shifting onto her back. I crawled onto her stomach, placing my head on her chest. She cradled my head with one arm and wrapped the other around my waist. Part of me couldn't believe I'd let us get this close, I opened myself up to her. Making myself vulnerable, it made my stomach churn at the thought. We just lay there together in silence, listening to each other's breathing. It soothed me, my mind and heart had stopped racing as I cuddled into taylor.

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We had been in bed for hours together, making our way downstairs at 11.33am. Taylor held my hand the whole way, guiding me towards the kitchen. I held my breath, terrified of what's going to happen next.

Taylor turned and saw the fear on my face, "don't worry, we're going to take it at your pace, alright?"

I nodded, breathing out slowly.

"Now, what do you fancy?"

I shrugged in response.

"Toast?"

I knew I had to have something, "okay."

She smiled at my participation, thinking I didn't want to make it harder for Taylor after everything these past two days. She made some toast for both of us so I wouldn't feel alone or guilty. Well, less alone and less guilty than if it was just me.

I just stared at the piece of toast in front of me, like it had eyes staring back. I could just see all of the calories seeping through it, just like the butter which also had extra calories as well. I glanced up at Taylor, she was buttering her own slice. Probably hoping I would just demolish the toast before she was done. I mean, who panics over a slice of toast?
Me apparently.

/// hope this is written okay! If anyone ever needs to talk about anything, always here xxx///