The One Who Stares Behind

KABANATA 47

Trust is like a delicate thread. When that thread is broken by lies, the entire structure feels like it's collapsing.

"Kasianna, I—"

"I thought, no lies Lexus."

Discovering that someone I trusted had deceived me felt like on emotional earthquake. Shaking the ground beneath my feet and leaving me questioning everything I thought I knew.

Hindi ako nakahanda pa dito. Kailanman, hindi pumasok sa isip ko na posible ito. Pwede pala akong masaktan ng ganito kahit wala akong maalala. Pero kahit ganun, sobra sobra ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. So I guess it's true. Even if the brain can forget, the heart remembers everything all too well. It feels so unfair.

"I was about to tell you tonight but Rachel—"

"Si Rachel na naman ang sisisihin natin dito? Rachel did it her way. You're just too late, Lexus. " Diretso kong sabi na hindi magawang tumingin man lang sa kanya. Hindi ko pa kaya. Pakiramdam ko ay babagsak lang muli ang mga luha ko kung susubukan kong salubungin ang mga tingin niya.

Una ko palang makilala si Rachel, hindi ko nagustuhan ang ugali nito pero kung hindi niya sinabi sa akin ang totoo, baka magpatuloy lang ang kasinungalingang ito. May parte sa akin ang nagpapasalamat sa ginawa niya. At may bahagi sa akin na nakaramdam ng awa para sa kanya, dahil ramdam ko kung gaano kalalim ang pagmamahal niya para kay Lewis.

"Mahal na mahal kita.. Please, hold on to that, hold on to us. I can't bear the thought of losing you again—it would break me." pagmamakaawa nito at ginagap ang kamay ko na agad ko ring binawi.

"Ni hindi ko alam kung 'yan ang totoo!I feel so betrayed, like I've been made a fool all this time. You know me, Lexus! You know me! So why?!" Sigaw ko dito habang ipinipilit na niya ang sarili niyang yumakap sakin. Wala na akong nagawa kundi ang sumandal sa dibdib niya, hinang-hina, na parang lahat ng lakas ko'y naubos na.

"Alam ko. Ang gago ko dahil hindi ko agad nasabi sayo. Pero alam kong magagalit ka sa sarili mo sa oras na malaman mo ang totoo. You used to hate your life so much back then, and the last thing I want is for you to remember that pain."

Lumayo ako at tiningnan nito. Bigla ay tila nagkaroon ako ng lakas para harapin siya.

I am in pain. The pain comes from knowing that the person I believed in, who I thought understood and valued me was capable of such betrayal. Was it all lies, or was there something genuine buried beneath the deceit?

"Kung hahayaan mo ako, sasabihin ko sayo ang lahat lahat."

"Then tell me, tell me your version. Because I am dying to know the truth."

We both just stared for a while and then he told me everything.

Rachel was right. I fell in love with Lewis first—Lexus' older brother. Lewis was everything to me, and for a while, we were happy. But then Lexus came into my life, and everything changed. I broke Lewis' heart, ended things with him, and tried to stay friends. I chose to be with Lexus, and for a moment, it felt like we were building something beautiful. We were in love. We were happy.

Then I got kidnapped, and everything fell apart. Despite how much I hurt him, Lewis didn’t turn his back on me. He helped Lexus search for me, even when I didn’t deserve it. And in the end, it was Lewis who found me. He saved me, but... he paid the price. He was shot twice, right in front of me. And just like that, he was gone. We lost him, and I’ll never forgive myself for that.

I was saved that day, but I’ve been living with the weight of guilt every single moment since. Lewis died because of me, and no matter how much time passes, that pain never fades. One day, it became too much. I went out, driving aimlessly, and ended up in an accident. Sometimes I wonder... did I do it on purpose? Did I want to end it all, or was it truly an accident?

Lexus never left my side, staying with me through it all. But while I was in a coma, he had to leave the country. He had no choice—he had to take on the responsibilities Lewis left behind. So, even as I lay there, trapped between life and death, I lost him too.

"So, my parents knew all along.." hindi makapaniwalang sabi ko nang matapos itong magkwento. Hindi na niya kailangan pang sagutin iyon dahil alam ko na..

"Ayokong bumalik sa buhay mo na parang walang nangyari at sabihin ang lahat lahat sayo..because I know it will break you." Napailing ako dito.

Five years have passed, and I thought I was doing okay. I convinced myself that I had moved on, that I was fine. Pero hindi pala.

"Kahit malayo ako sa Pilipinas, alam ko lahat ng nangyayari sa'yo. Nakita ko kung paano mo nagawang magsimula ulit, at alam mo ba, ako ang pinakamasayang tao nang malaman ko iyon? Even though my parents forbade me from coming back and seeing you, I’m still here. I chose to return to you because this feeling in my chest has always belonged to you.

"Ako ang sinisisi nila hindi ba? Bakit hindi ka agad bumalik, Lexus?"

Hinawakan nito ang mukha ko at tumitig sa mga mata ko. "I'm sorry. I was terrified seeing you move on and be okay without me. The thought of coming back and possibly ruining what you've built is breaking me."

Kaya ba noong unang beses na nagkita kami hindi niya pinaramdam ang koneksyon namin sa isa't-isa? Hindi niya ako nilapitan, hindi siya nagpakilala. He just stayed there, watching from the shadows. He remained a mystery.

"You’ve been hurt so much, baby. If I had a choice, I would have stayed away. But I couldn’t bear just watching from afar, only able to listen and look at your photos without being able to touch you. I’ve missed you so damn much over these years!" He's hurting a lot.

"Gusto kitang paniwalaan Lexus, gustong gusto ko."

Yun ang totoo ngunit namamayani ang galit ngayon para sa sarili ko. Sobra akong nasasaktan at alam kong ganoon rin siya. We will just end up hurting each other and I don't want that.

"You know that I still love right, Lexus?" Tumingin ito sa akin, mapait akong ngumiti dito.

I drew a deep breath. Sa mga sandaling ito, magsasarado muna pansamantala ang isang kwento. Sa pagkakataon na ito, pakakawalan ko ang isang lalaking minahal ko, at sa pangalawang pagkakataon ay minahal kong muli.

He endured so much pain for loving me, suffering silently while shielding me with his lies. It’s incredible how love can be both selfish and all-encompassing, capable of overcoming everything.

He gave me everything he had, and I hope I can do the same for him one day. But right now, I’m a coward. Maybe, with time, I’ll find the courage.

“Kasianna, please don’t say anything…” he begged, tears streaming down his face as he looked at me. I know it’s going to be hard for both of us, but this is what I need for us.

“Don’t wait for me, Lexus. It will take time before I can find myself again. Be happy and live your life.”

"Don't do this! Alam mong hihintayin kita kahit gaano pa katagal! Hindi mo na kailangan pang maalala ang nakaraan mo, “We can start over. Something new…” My God, please help me. Seeing this man crying in front of me makes me want to collapse and hold him tight, to comfort him through all this pain.

“Lexus, tama na. Ipagpatuloy mo ang buhay mo. Don’t waste it on me. Not on someone who doesn’t even remember who she really is.”

"Ito na ba talaga ang gusto mo?" Nasasaktan man, tumango ako dito at mapait na ngumiti.

"Let me do this one last time."

I leaned in slowly, my breath hitching as our lips met. The kiss was gentle, filled with a desperate sadness that neither of us could put into words. It was a kiss of farewell, a heartbreaking blend of love and goodbye. I could taste the salt of our tears mingling, a painful reminder of what we were losing.

And with that, I allowed myself to see the tears of the man I truly love and kissed him for the last time. Every inch of me ached, knowing this was the end.

Leaving him is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, because every part of me still wants to stay, but I know we’re better off apart.