The One Who Stares Behind

KABANATA 30

The sun rises in the east and sets in the west. The night passes too quickly, and another new morning arrives that must be faced.

The night went by with relentless thoughts connected to him. Even now, I’m still puzzled by the words Lexus said to me last night. After that conversation, he suddenly left me—hanging.

May kung anong kirot itong iniwang marka sa puso ko na hindi ko pa dapat maramdaman.

"Zafh.." boses iyon ni mama sa labas ng kwarto ko.

Bumangon ako at isinandal ang aking katawan sa headboard ng kama.

"Come in Ma,"

Habang naglalakad si mama palapit sa'kin ay hindi ko maiwasang hindi titigan ang kabuuan nito.

They say I look just like her, and even I can’t deny it. I can’t deny the Valderama blood running through my veins. No doubt.

She smiled as she sat beside me and leaned her back against the headboard. "Your dad is right. You really grew up into a beautiful lady. We haven’t noticed how age is slowly putting distance between us."

Ako naman ay ngumiti ng bahagya habang naghihintay sa susunod nitong sasabihin.

"Dati noong bata ka pa, lagi mo akong kinukulit sa lovestory namin ng dad mo. Ang lagi ko pang sinasabi sayo noon ay masyado ka pang bata para ikwento ko sayo at maintindihan ang mga bagay na gusto mong malaman.

Imagine a 5-year-old little girl who asks every day for her prince charming to arrive. Her eyes sparkle with hope as she waits eagerly, believing that someday, her fairy-tale dream will come true."

"Mom, that sounds so cringe." I grimaced with that kind of thought. I try to remember those times, but I keep failing.

"What?" Matawa tawang tanong nito habang ako naman ay napasimangot na lamang.

Hindi ko lang kasi lubos maisip at masyado pala akong desperada sa lovelife noon. Sigurado akong ayaw ko ng balikan ang bagay na yun. Ever.

"Ang lagi mo kasing dahilan sa akin noon ay gusto mong maging katulad ko paglaki mo. You want to meet someone like your dad. You hope your prince charming arrives soon because you want to spend a long life together with him."

Bigla akong napangiti. A little Zafhyrna freaks me out, pero gustong gusto ko ang mga ala alang iyon. I wish I could remember any of those.

"You want to hear more?" She asked and I just nod for answer.

"Alright. One day, you gave up. You didn’t want me to tell you the story of how your dad and I fell in love. I don’t even know why."

"Your dad and I weren’t the perfect couple you might have imagined from our college days. I had a boyfriend, and he had a girlfriend. Yes, we were both committed to other relationships. Mayroong mga bagay kaming pagkakatulad dahilan para makilala namin ang isa't isa." There I saw the glint of happiness on my mother's eyes.

"Naging malapit kami sa isa't isa hindi lingid sa kaalaman ng mga karelasyon namin. Mahal ko ang boyfriend ko at masaya ako sa kung anong meron kami ng papa mo. I can't resist your dad.  Until one day, your dad confessed his feelings. He said that he loved me, but sadly, I didn’t feel the same way. I knew someone would get hurt. Despite that, your dad didn’t give up. We ended up having a secret relationship.

Ngunit hindi rin nagtagal ay nalaman rin ng boyfriend ko ang namamagitan samin ng matalik niyang kaibigan. Galit na galit siya at kulang ang salitang sumpa sa galit na nararamdaman niya."

I can't imagine the suffering my mother had endured for those times.

"Who wouldn’t? I begged for his forgiveness, but he never managed to forgive me. He died. I blamed your dad. I was so lost during that time. I cried every day and night, regretting everything, hoping I could bring back those days.

I mourned his death, burdened by guilt. As for your dad, he stayed by my side even though I pushed him away countless times. The day after graduation, he was gone. Just when I was ready. No matter how much I wanted to see him and tell him that I also loved him, it was too late. He left. Your dad left me." I was stunned. This wasn’t the version of the story that Dad had told me.

Muli ko itong tiningnan sa mata ngunit hindi ko ito makitaan ng kasinungalingan.

"How did you two meet again?"

"We met in an unexpected place called 'somewhere,' and in the unexpected seconds and minutes of time, we found ourselves in each other’s arms again."

I found myself staring directly into her eyes. All I could see was a lie.

Isa sa kanila ang hindi nagsasabi ng totoo.