The One Who Stares Behind

KABANATA 26

It’s impossible that all of this happened. No. It can’t be happening because, first of all, I don’t have any feelings for him. Or do I?

Naiinis kong inihilamos ang palad ko sa mukha ko. Bakit pati yata sarili ko ay niloloko ko na?

"God! Why is this happening to me? To all those fucking people…" Why him?

"Zafh! What’s going on with you? We're home now." Xandrev's voice cut through the chaos in my mind.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Xandrev asked as he turned off the car engine.

"Oh, shut up, Xandrev Ross!"

We were both startled by my shout, fueled by irritation. Ano bang nangyayari sa'kin?

"Sorry, Xandrev. I didn't mean to. I'm just thinking about some things," agad na pagpapaliwanag ko. Ayokong may isipin itong iba sa'kin.

"Like what, Zafhyrna? You seem distracted. Now I’m wondering what really happened to you last night."

I shook my head. "Walang nangyari." And I can't tell you what really happened. I don’t even know how to explain it.

Tiningnan muna ako nito bago tumikhim. Alam kong hindi ito kumbinsido sa naging sagot ko. Binibigyan lamang ako nito ng sapat na panahon para masabi ko sa kanya.

"El was looking for you last night. He saw you… with someone else. He waited for you in the hall because he had something important to tell you. But to my surprise, you didn’t come. I always thought you liked him. That you felt something for him." I looked at him when he said those words.

I know he's torn between us. He is his best friend, and I am his sister. I don’t know either. I don’t know, but I felt a wave of guilt.

How could I have done that to El? How could I have done that to the man I care about?

At some point, I’m wondering if I should just let go of these feelings. He has Maureen, and I can’t let this feeling grow any further. Baka hindi na ako makawala.

As I try to remember the moments with El, it only makes it harder. It feels like just yesterday he was showing me he liked me, and I felt the same way about him.  And I was happy during those moments. But now, why does it seem like a different image is coming to mind?

"Hindi mo na kailangan pang sagutin ang tanong ko, Zafh. Choose what makes you happy. I supported you with El because I knew you were happy with him. But remember this, don't force yourself to be happy for someone else. No matter what you do, you’ll never be free."

Tumango ako at hinawakan ko ang kamay nito. "Salamat, Xandrev."

He smiled and leaned in to give me a kiss on the side of my head. "Let's go?" I nodded, removed my seatbelt, and got out of the car.

Magkasama kaming pumasok ni Xandrev sa loob at sinalubong naman kami ni Nanay Juliana na nag-alaga samin mula noong mga bata kami magpa-hanggang ngayon.

Wala narin kasi itong naging pamilya kaya pinili niya na lamang na manatili rito sa bahay, tutal naman ay napalapit na rin siya sa amin. At tinuring na rin siya bilang isang tunay na kapamilya.

"Zafhy! Xandry!" Masayang pagsalubong nito sa amin.

Natawa ako nang maabutang nakakunot na ang noo ng kapatid ko sa naging tawag sa kanya ni Nanay Jools. Ito na kasi ang nakasanayan niyang tawag sa amin noon pa man. Ang kanyang dahilan ay napakahahaba raw ng mga ipinangalan sa aming magkapatid gaya ng aming magulang.

Our parents, Anashtazia Zafharra Valderama and Rafaelli Alecxander Romero, named us after themselves, so that explained it.

Agad naman akong niyakap nito, sumunod si Xandrev na tila hindi na naman maipinta ang mukha.