behind every summer

Chapter 29

Chapter 29

Pagsapit ng hapon ay maaga akong natapos sa trabaho ko kaya napagpasyahan kong tumungo sa balcony sa second floor. Hindi naman ako nag-alala at nabahala since hindi naman ako kakailanganin sa kusina atsa ibang parte ng trabaho. And in a moment, aalis narin ako para sunduin si Holland. Si Apollo naman ay ma-l-late dahil may training sila sa basketball hanggang alas nuewbe ng gabi.

Hawak ko ang isang calamansi juice at iniinom ko'to para mawala ang kiliti sa loob ng lalamunan ko. Napansin ko kasi na nitong mga nakaraang araw ay inuubo at sinisipon na ako—pero hindi naman yun kadalasang nangyayari. It only happens twice or thrice in twenty four hours. Kaya ngayon habang hindi pa ganap na nagpapakita ang sintomas ng ubo at sipon ay iinumin ko na'to ng calamansi juice para hindi na lumala at maging isang ganap na sakit.

Iba kasi ako kapag inuubo at sinisipon kasi may kasama itong lagnat, pagkatamlay at pagsasakit ng ulo. And mind you, what I experienced before when I was sick is way worse than now.

Good thing that I'm not experiencing again that nightmare in the past, dahil talagang kawawa ako kasi walang tumulong sa'kin kung hindi ang sarili ko lang. Kung tutulong man sina mommy at daddy ay tanging pagbibigay lang ng mga gamot at tubig. Ni hindi man lang nila ako kinamusta. Nagulat nalang ako nang sa sumunod na linggo ay bumyahe sila papuntang Los Angeles na wala ako. And that moment, I was still on the verge of recovery. So I ended up staying at home alone, tending to my own suffering.

And true to my word, I was hurt. I was devastated. Because instead of giving attention to their son who was suffering an illness at that time, heto sila at nag vacation sa ibang bansa.

Wala namang silbi yung mga katulong namin sa bahay dahil hindi naman nila ako pinapansin. Kahit magsusumigaw pa ako o umiyak, hindi nila ako papansinin. They won't even cook for me to eat my meal. So I ended up cooking my own meal and eating all myself alone.

Napakaraming mga karanasan ang naranasan ko noon. And majority of them—I would not like to recall anymore. Because if I did, then I'm just entertaining the pain of the past that once destroyed me completely.

Hindi ko nga alam sa sarili ko kung bakit buhay pa ako ngayon, kung bakit umaasa parin akong darating ang araw na magiging masaya ako, na kumakapit pa ako sa pananampalataya at paniniwala sa Diyos. To think that my experience was drowning my personality, was hurting my efo, was destroying my psychological capabilitis, was ruining my mind and heart, why was I still alive?

Sa totoo lang din, maraming beses na akong nagtangkang magpakamatay but I always let my conscience win over my consciousness. So I end up stopping myself from doing what I want to do.

And the cycle would continue again.

Siguro applicable ito sa ibang mga tao. Na kapag naranasan nilang inaabuso sila ng mga tao sa paligid nila mula pagkabata nila hanggang sa pagtanda nila, at kapag nasira ang pagkatao nila ay nagbabago ang kanilang sarili at nagiging malungkot na sila. Na kahit anong gawin na nila ay hindi na sila magiging masaya.

And it would ultimately lead to suicidal thoughts. I believe they're excited in experiencing death because maybe it is through dying that they may be able to escape to their problems, obstacles and storms forever.

And honestly saying, there were so many times in my life when I thought of killing myself in hope that I might escape all my problems in life, and that the people who hated me from the core might be able to live the life that they wanted without seeing me in any aspect or event.

But there were also countless times when conscience reigned in my thoughts in fear that if I kill myself, then I would regret that decision for the rest of my life.