behind every summer

Chapter 39

Chapter 39

If someone asks me how does living feel as a human, I'd answer the same thing: hard and worst. Living a life in an environment that fosters evilness and abuse is one of the most painful experiences one can endure. It feels like being trapped in a world where cruelty is the norm, and every breath you take is filled with fear, despair, and uncertainty. In such an environment, life loses its beauty, and survival becomes the sole focus. Every day feels like a battle, and each moment is overshadowed by a sense of impending doom. It is a life that strips you of your innocence, your joy, and your sense of self-worth.

When you're born into an environment where abuse is commonplace, your understanding of the world becomes skewed. From a young age, you are taught that love is conditional, that kindness is a weakness, and that violence is an acceptable form of communication. You grow up not knowing the difference between right and wrong because the lines are constantly blurred by the actions of those around you. The people who are supposed to protect you become the very ones who inflict the most harm. Whether it's physical abuse, emotional manipulation, or psychological torment, the pain is relentless.

One of the most painful aspects of living in such an environment is the sense of isolation it creates. You begin to feel like no one understands what you're going through because, from the outside, everything might seem normal. You are often forced to put on a brave face, to pretend that everything is fine when, inside, you are breaking apart. It's hard to explain the pain of being hurt by the very people who are supposed to love you. Even if you muster the courage to talk about it, there's always the fear of not being believed or, worse, being blamed for the abuse you're experiencing.

Over time, the abuse starts to erode your sense of identity. You stop seeing yourself as an individual deserving of love and respect, and instead, you internalize the messages that you are worthless, that you deserve the pain, and that this is the only life you'll ever know. The environment of evilness and abuse conditions you to accept the unacceptable. You grow accustomed to the violence, the shouting, the constant tension, and the dehumanization. It becomes your "normal," and that's perhaps the most tragic part of it all—when the abnormal becomes your reality, it's easy to forget that life doesn't have to be this way.

The scars from this kind of life run deep. They don't just affect your present but extend into your future, influencing how you see the world, how you relate to others, and how you see yourself. Trust becomes a foreign concept because you've been betrayed by those closest to you. You become hyper-vigilant, always expecting the worst because that's what life has taught you. The emotional and psychological wounds make it difficult to form healthy relationships because deep down, you believe that no one can be trusted, and no one will truly care for you without expecting something in return.

Living in an abusive environment also stifles your growth as a person. Dreams, ambitions, and personal development become secondary to mere survival. It's hard to think about your future or your aspirations when you're constantly fighting to make it through each day. You're stuck in a cycle where hope seems dangerous because it's often met with disappointment or further abuse. In a way, it feels like your potential is being stolen from you, bit by bit, as the abuse continues. Every time you try to rise above it, you're knocked down, making it harder to believe in yourself or in the possibility of a better life.

Perhaps the worst part is the way abuse conditions you to expect suffering. You start to believe that pain is a natural part of life, that love is always tainted with cruelty, and that happiness is something fleeting and undeserved. This belief becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even if you escape the abusive environment, the trauma lingers, shaping how you navigate the world. You find it hard to trust kindness or enjoy moments of peace because, in your experience, calm is always followed by chaos, and happiness is always followed by heartbreak.