Buddie: Partners in Fire

Chapter 84

Scene: Eddie and Buck's house, Early morning

Buck lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling, the early morning light creeping through the blinds, casting long shadows across the room. His arms were wrapped protectively around Eddie, feeling the steady rise and fall of his chest as he slept. But despite the stillness around him, Buck’s mind was anything but quiet.

He hadn’t been able to sleep since Eddie’s nightmare. The moment Eddie had woken up, gasping for breath, tears streaming down his face, Buck had felt something break inside him. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen Eddie in pain—far from it—but this time felt different. This time, the fear in Eddie’s eyes was directed at him. At the idea of losing him. The raw vulnerability, the way Eddie had clung to him like he was the only thing keeping him tethered to reality... it left Buck shaken to his core.

Buck’s Thoughts: "What if it hadn’t been a dream? What if something happened to me? Or worse, to Eddie?"

The thought twisted like a knife in Buck’s chest, sharper than any nightmare. He couldn’t stop the flood of memories—the firefights, the accidents, the near-death experiences they’d both survived. Every close call felt like another reminder of just how fragile their lives were. But it was more than that. It wasn’t just about the danger they faced in their jobs. It was about the unspoken truth that had been weighing on Buck’s heart for so long.

Buck’s Thoughts: I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him. If I lost them.

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to push the fear away, but it only grew louder in the silence. His mind kept replaying the image of Eddie collapsing in his arms, his voice broken, pleading for Buck not to leave him, not to die. The desperation in Eddie’s cries had sent a shockwave through Buck, shaking him in ways he hadn’t expected. He knew Eddie loved him. He knew how deeply they were connected. But seeing Eddie’s worst fear come to life, even in a dream, was a brutal reminder of how much they both had to lose.

Buck’s Thoughts: "I should be stronger. I should be the one comforting him, not the other way around."

And yet, here he was, wide awake while Eddie slept, feeling like his world was teetering on the edge of something he couldn’t control. The guilt gnawed at him, mixing with the fear until it became something heavier, something almost unbearable.

Buck’s Thoughts: "I have to protect Eddie. I have to protect Christopher. But what if I can’t?"

The weight of that responsibility crushed him. It was the same feeling he’d had the first time he realized how deeply he loved Eddie—how deeply he loved Christopher, too. Loving them meant opening himself up to the possibility of losing them. It meant that every day, he was walking a tightrope between the joy of having them and the terror of losing them.

He glanced down at Eddie, his heart tightening at the sight of him finally sleeping peacefully. Eddie looked so vulnerable like this, curled up beside him, his face soft in sleep, free from the nightmares that had plagued him hours before. Buck’s throat tightened.

Buck’s Thoughts: "How am I supposed to be everything he needs?"

He felt a surge of inadequacy. He wanted to be the rock Eddie could lean on, the one who could make all the fear and pain go away. But the truth was, Buck felt like he was crumbling under the weight of it all. He didn’t know how to carry this—the responsibility, the fear, the love. It was all tangled together, pulling him in so many different directions that he didn’t know which way was up anymore.

Slowly, as carefully as possible, Buck untangled himself from Eddie’s grasp. His heart ached at the thought of leaving Eddie’s warmth, but he needed space. He needed to breathe. He needed to get out of his own head before he drowned in it.

He sat up, running a hand through his hair, and stole one last glance at Eddie’s sleeping form. Buck’s chest tightened again as he watched him, the quiet rise and fall of Eddie’s breath grounding him in the moment. For now, Eddie was safe. For now, they were okay. But the weight of the "what ifs" pressed down on Buck, suffocating him.

Buck’s Thoughts: "I can’t stay here right now. I need to clear my head. I need to figure out how to keep them safe, how to protect them from... everything."

He slipped out of bed, careful not to wake Eddie. He tiptoed across the room, his movements slow and deliberate, as if disturbing the quiet would shatter the fragile peace they’d found. His fingers brushed against the doorknob, but before he opened it, he turned back to look at Eddie one last time.

Buck’s Thoughts: "I love you. I love you so much, and it terrifies me."

Buck exhaled softly, then quietly stepped out of the bedroom, leaving Eddie to rest. He moved through the apartment with the kind of familiarity that comes from months of living in the same space, but tonight, it felt different. Every room felt too small, too suffocating. His mind was too loud, too chaotic.

He grabbed his keys from the counter, the cool metal grounding him for a second as he turned them over in his hand. Part of him wanted to stay, to curl back into bed with Eddie and pretend that everything was fine. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that he needed space, that he needed to get out of the apartment, out of his own head.

He opened the front door, stepping out into the early morning air. It was quiet, the city still waking up around him, and for a moment, the stillness calmed him. But it was fleeting. As soon as he reached his car, the turmoil inside him returned, more forceful than before.

Buck’s Thoughts: "How do I protect him from things I can’t control?"

The question haunted him as he sat behind the wheel, gripping the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles turned white. There was no easy answer. He couldn’t protect Eddie from his nightmares. He couldn’t protect him from the fear of losing the people he loved. But Buck wanted to. He needed to.

And that was the problem.

Buck’s Thoughts: "What if I’m not enough? What if I fail him? What if I fail Christopher?"

The thoughts circled back to Christopher—sweet, innocent Christopher, who had already been through more than any child should have to endure. Buck thought about the way Christopher looked at him, the trust in his eyes, the way he depended on him and Eddie both. And that only made the weight in Buck’s chest heavier.

Buck’s Thoughts: "I have to be stronger. For Eddie. For Chris."

But no matter how many times he told himself that, the fear remained, clawing at the edges of his mind. He couldn’t shake the image of Eddie’s face in the dream, the heartbreak in his eyes, the helplessness in his voice as he reached for Buck in the pouring rain. It wasn’t real, but it felt real. It felt like a glimpse into a future Buck couldn’t bear to imagine.

He sat in the car for what felt like hours, staring at the empty street in front of him, trying to steady his racing heart. He knew he couldn’t run from this—not from his fears, not from the responsibility of loving Eddie and Christopher. But in that moment, sitting alone in the quiet morning light, Buck couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed by the weight of it all.

Buck’s Thoughts: "I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this. But I have to be. For them."

With a deep breath, Buck turned the key in the ignition, the engine purring to life. He didn’t know where he was going yet, but he needed to clear his head. He needed time to think, to figure out how to be the man Eddie needed him to be.

And so, with a heavy heart, Buck drove off into the early morning, the weight of his thoughts following him, no matter how far he went.