Lost Love || Book 1 || Sylus x Reader || LADS Fanfiction

62. Feelings of a Bully (Young Sylus's Perspective)

Dear Readers,

I am happy to be able to upload a new chapter. ^_^ 

I had a huge headache yesterday, so I was not able to look at any screens at all.

I hope you enjoy Sylus side of the story... but enjoy might be the wrong word for it...

Now, I will go crying somewhere... T^T

***Musicrecommendation: Can't Forget You – NEVER KNOW***

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I lean against the wall as soon as I step through the door, exhaling and inhaling sharply, trying to calm my racing heart. That was harsh. That was ugly. I was mean. I was scary. I am replaying the scene in my mind, the image of you looking up at me in admiration burned into my memory. The sound of your sobs coming from the other side of the door pierces my heart like a dagger. I know that I have hurt you deeply, and it tears me apart to know that I am the cause of your pain. Shit.

I can hardly bear to listen to your heartbroken cries coming from the other side of the door. It feels like endless torture. My heart clenches tightly in my chest, as if someone had placed a vice around it and was twisting it slowly.

I long for your touch, for your voice, for your presence, yet I must push you away. I just must. This is pure torture. Fuck my life.

I close my eyes and press my forehead against the cool wall, trying to ignore the guilt and pain that are tearing me apart inside. I have trouble breathing and keeping my tears from falling. But deep down, I know that I had no choice. I had to be cruel to you. That it was necessary to push you away, to keep my true feelings hidden, to protect you.

I can't help but replay the scene over and over in my mind.

Right at the moment as you stumbled into the trainings hall like a clumsy little kitten, I realized your genuine feelings. The sight of you lying on the ground, looking up at me in admiration, your eyes filled with pure affection, it was like a revelation. It was too much. My heart exploded right then. It was everything I wished for years to find in your gaze. But I can't have it. I can't allow it.

So, instead of dragging you into a tight embrace and kissing you until you have been breathless right there, as I wished I would be able to, I simply turned around to continue my training, trying to ignore you and your feelings right from the start, trying to ignore the ache in my heart and the burning in my soul.

Then the coldhearted scientist appeared and forced us to train together. You were clueless. But I was fully aware of the purpose of the training besides the purpose of making you stronger. She wanted to manipulate your feelings, using proximity as a subtle means for us to become closer. Such a bitch. I already struggle enough to fight my own desires for you. This added element of manipulation pissed me off beyond measure.

I tried to keep the training as professional as I could, purposefully giving you no hint of affection, admiration or hope for your growing feelings. But the manipulation seemed to work, our closeness had effects on you that could not be ignored. Your racing heartbeat, your flushed expression, the growing heat of your body, the hardening of your nipples under your tight top. It was a battle of willpower as I tried to suppress my own desires, to play it cool.

However, your natural talent caught me completely off guard, and I was impressed by your progress. I had to suppress my proud smirks that kept playing at the corners of my lips as I watched you become more and more confident and sure with each movement.

The fire in your eyes, the concentration in your expression, and the sweat starting to glisten on your skin. Despite my cold demeanor, I can't help but feel pure pride and affection for you, and a big grin appears on my face as I can't stop myself before saying. "Seems like you have a knack for this kind of sport..."

Shit! Your expression shows that I had made a huge mistake in my moment of weakness. Pure bliss shows in your eyes as you smile at me, my small act of affection has ignited a spark in your heart, and I knew that I must quench it immediately. Fuck Sylus. You lovesick moron. Keep your act together, NOW! My face turns cold again in an instant.

In the meantime, I did not even notice that we were alone.

You freaked out, confronted me, your eyes filled with anger and determination. You even threw a punch at me that I easily dodged. You are so brave and fierce, that for a moment I have trouble speaking and keeping my cold behavior towards you.

I wanted to pull you into my arms, hold you tight, and kiss away your worry and pain, reassuring that my unconditional love will be not comparable to any other individuum in this universe. My heart will always be yours no matter what. But I could not. I knew I couldn't. I had to forcefully push those impulses deep down into the darkest depths of my soul. I knew that I needed to say and do the exact opposite.

So instead, I declined everything that happened, calling it a sick game for my pure entertainment, calling you my little toy. My heart ached as your tears started falling, running over your cheeks, dripping down your chin, but I knew that I couldn't stop there. I had to make it clear. I am dangerous and you can't fall for me. No matter what.

I tried to sound as intimidating and dangerous as possible, searching for the darkest part of my soul to show you. I tried to scare you away with all my might. I played with you, Kitty. I played a cruel game with your heart, even leading to a heart attack.

Just a sick game, nothing more. Never love. – Lust? Maybe. Come here, Kitty Kitty. I will show you what I mean. My eyes tell you that I could hurt you. I could claim you right here and there. I could even rape you, leading to your fall from grace. Run, Kitty. Run, now! You can't trust me anymore. "Are you really so easy to get, little Kitten?" My voice is dripping with mockery, knowing that you can't stand my cocky behavior.

You will be scared of me, right? Yes, I can finally see the fear in your eyes rising. You will refuse me and my dark side, right? You will back away. Of course you will. You would be dumb if not. Why are you staring at my lips, Kitty? "So desperate for a little attention, a little kiss?" You would not be so dumb, Kitty. Right?

But what did you do, Kitty? The moment you hurled yourself at me, I watched your body move in slow motion. However, I could not react, I was frozen in disbelief. Your lips touched mine in a desperate attempt to change my mind.

The warm and soft sensation of your lips exploded in my whole body, letting my resolution to save you from my very being quiver in doubt. I never dared to dream to taste your lips on mine for one last time. Have you lost your damn mind, Kitty? I clearly showed you how dangerous I am for you. I am sick of myself for that behavior. My desire for you is sinister and threatening. Your feelings for me will destroy you, your body and your soul. You will be doomed with me.

It took a second to regain my consciousness. I could not let that happen. Never. I pushed you away with all my force, unintentionally injuring you. Fuck. I hate my pure existence for hurting you. But instead of instantly apologizing I heard myself say with a sneer. "Please, don't be delusional, Kitty. You're nothing more than a toy to me, a plaything for my entertainment." I am such an asshole. She deserves so much better than me. Demon. Monster. 

Your body flinched at my words like I slapped you right in the face, tears streaming down your cheeks like endless salty rain, drenching your top. The sight of you was too much to bear, I had to run away like a coward, before I could change my mind and give in to my desire, destroying you on my way. It was necessary. It was necessary. It was necessary.

I finally push myself away from the wall and stride down the hall, my mind racing with conflicted emotions as I mutter to myself. "I had no choice. I am sorry." My heart breaks little by little with every step I take away from you, the sound of your sobs following me like a ghost. I clench my fists tightly, the pain in my chest almost unbearable as I fight to keep a straight face, to hide the storm of emotions raging inside me, but I fail to stop the silent tears running down my cheeks as I search some place to hide.