Lost Love || Book 1 || Sylus x Reader || LADS Fanfiction

63. Isolated

Young Kitty's Perspective

Somehow, I manage to stand up after what felt like an eternity, collecting my shattered feelings and wiping away my shed tears. I am walking like a zombie back into my room without even realizing where I am going, everything like a blur, until I finally stand before the door to our room. My senses are dulled by grief and despair, standing there as if in a trance.

How should I survive the next couple days, weeks, months, years to come? My heart feels like it was ripped out of my body, leaving a hole that aches, still pumping my blood through my veins, but nothing more than a mechanical pump. I feel numb. I feel empty. I have no more tears to shed, as if all emotion has been drained from my body, leaving only a cold and aching void.

I can't stop repeating the memory of Sylus's cold expression after I kissed him impulsively, his eyes filled with what seemed like hate and disgust. I really was delusional for a moment. I thought for a second that he wanted to kiss me, too. For an instant, it felt like he would give in, that everything until then was just a nightmare we were about to wake up from, living happily ever after. I was so naive. I was so dumb.

Sylus made it clear, that he was just playing with me and my emotions. But somehow, I could not believe it. I still do not want to believe it. At least, we were best friends for so many years. Was that an act, too? Just a game? I would not believe it, if I could not clearly recall the disgust in his eyes after he pushed me away with so much force that it hurt me. The disgust was real. How could I even imagine that he had feelings for me in the first place? I am such a moron.

But it's too late for me now. I am already a lost case. I realized that I had feelings for Sylus all along even before he kissed me, I just could not understand them until then. His fake love confession and kiss served as my revelation, he had flipped a switch on inside of me and it hit me like a fucking train. I loved him all along. Sylus had awakened a deep and intense love inside me that had always been there but had gone unacknowledged until then.

And even if I wanted to take back my feelings for him, to seal them inside a box and hide it in a long-forgotten corner of my heart, it's too late. My feelings are too intense to be ignored. And somehow, I also do not want to forget how it feels to love him. My entire life I had never been happier in this short bubble of realizing my feelings for Sylus and believing he would love me too. My silly heart yearns to hold onto those precious memories.

Even if reality is destroying me right now. Even though he hurt me like no one did before, I feel my heart longing for him that it aches like crazy. I clench my hand over my chest, trying to soothe the lingering pain of my heart. "Stop it, silly thing."

With Dr. Z gone, I do not even have someone to pour my heart out to. He was like a father all the time since I was brought to this laboratory. At least, what comes closest to a father. I know that he was not fond of Sylus, but he was always kind to me. I feel helpless without him, and I realize how important he was for me the whole time. I miss him and if possible, my heart hurts even more.

At the thought of talking to Dr. Bitch about my feelings a shiver of disgust run down my spine. No way I am going to talk to that coldhearted woman about my feelings for Sylus or the suffer I am going through right now. Never ever.

I shake make head and snap out of my trance.

I realize that I am standing in front of the door without moving for who-knows-how-long deep in my sorrowful thoughts. Should I go in? What if Sylus waits inside? I am not ready to face him. I think I will never be ready for that encounter. Maybe, I will knock at the door and if I hear his voice I will make a run for it, hiding somewhere in this damn building until I starve. Problem solved. I sigh. "Yeah, no way..."