Love, Alice

Chapter 19

Liar

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Sinungaling. Sinungaling ang sino mang nagpapanggap na ayos lang sila para sa kapakanan ng iba. Sinungaling sila para isiping kapag titiisin nila ang sakit, magiging okay din ang lahat.

Liars like that aren't afraid of the pain of others, they're more afraid of themselves. Refusing to face the very root of ruins is the same as letting it poison the soil of your sanity. Iyon ang palagi kong iniisip. Kailangan harapin kung ano ang totoo kaysa tabunan iyon ng pagpapanggap. I refuse to believe we have no option. Mayroon, wala lang tayo ng lakas ng loob para pumili.

And for years, I drifted apart from my mom because of it. I know. My parent's marriage is not the same as it was before. I can no longer see the happiness in their eyes and day by day the love that once lit our home became......a burden. At baka nga siguro tulad ko, natakot din si mommy. She kept this family even when she's slowly losing herself in the process for me. Alam ko iyon ang rason niya, na para sa akin. Lumayo ang loob ko sa kanya dahil mismo doon. Kapag nakikita ko siyang pagod at palihim na umiiyak pakiramdam ko kasalanan ko dahil napipigilan ko siyang sumaya. I feel like I owe my dad the reason he has to work from scratch after losing the money because they have me to raise. I am the knot that connects them together even when they don't love each other anymore.

"Y-Your father.....has another w-woman."

I blamed myself. I thought I caused us the burden. But as the gap between them started getting clearer each day—I blamed them. For thinking they could put on their mask, sit on the same table with me, and smile thinking I'll believe it all. They thought just because I'm their kid they could deceive me or probably even when they knew I know, my opinion wouldn't matter because they believed that they know better. They expect me to bear it all because again it's for me.

"K-Kaya pala h-hindi na siya umuuwi dahil......dahil may ibang ba-babae—" my mom couldn't even finish her word from too much hurt.

I watch her grieve the truth of our family falling apart. Nakaupo ako sa kama, nakahawak sa balikat niya. I couldn't cry, I couldn't....find my tears. At that point all I know is I can't cry because someone's got to be strong for us. My mother has been strong all these years, now it's my time.

"Mom, how did you—"

"I saw it! We were suppose to have dinner last night but he wasn't responding! I went to his workplace and followed him." she held my hand as she trembled. "May ibang p-pamilya ang papa mo." she burst into tears.

My eyes widened.

"P-Pamilya?" naguguluhan kong tanong sa kanya.

She nodded, closing her eyes as her grip tightened.

"He wanted to loan for another money before." aniya.

I remember their argument about it.

"Iy-Iyon pala....so he could pay for his mistress' childbirth."

Napasinghap ako. My heart pounded harshly against my chest. Hindi ko alam kung anong uunahing e proseso ng utak ko. My mom's unstoppable tears or the sudden revelation.

May ibang pamilya si papa. He.....He got his mistress pregnant while he's married to my mom? He didn't only cheat he.......he had a child with her. I tried to gather my sanity after all this but I am devoided of all reason to grasp this absolute nonsense! Sa kabila ng lahat ng problema namin my father he.......he even had the time and conscience to fool around with someone else. Halos mawala na samin lahat dahil sa utang but he.....had to get another girl pregnant and loan another money to pile on his already insurmountable debt?