In the Shadow of Diamond (COMPLETED)

Kabanata 22

Kabanata 22

Everything I own fits in two drawers and half a suitcase. I opened them today. I pulled out clothes I barely wear and folding them again, not because they needed folding but because I needed to do something with my hands.

I used to know who I was. I used to wake up with direction, even if life wasn't easy. There was struggle, yes. But at least it was mine. Now, every day just passes. I wake up in a place that doesn't feel earned, wearing clothes I didn't choose, eating food I didn't cook, and breathing air that tastes too clean, too foreign.

Yukon is cold, but that's not what chills me, kundi ang katahimikan sa loob ng silid na ito. The way the snow swallows up every sound.

I miss the mess. I miss the sound of Mama scolding Sam for not folding the laundry right. I miss the smell of burnt garlic when she cooked too fast. I miss the radio playing old love songs, even though I used to hate them.

How do you tell your own mother you let someone else decide your life for you? How do you say I'm safe but also I'm not free?

Now I'm here again. In this cold place of Yukon. This beautiful, empty, golden prison.

He called my name when we got back. Hindi ako sumagot. Dumiretso ako sa dati kong kwarto, ini-lock ang pinto, at basta na lang umupo sa sahig. Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal. I wasn't crying anymore.

Wala akong pakialam kung sasabihin niyang ligtas ako rito. Wala akong pakialam kahit pakainin niya ako, bihisan, o halikan na parang isa akong babasaging porselana na ayaw niyang masira.

Lahat ng mga damit ay ibinalik ko sa dating kabinet matapos tupiin ang mga iyon. Pagod kong ibinagsak ang sarili sa kama. I stared at the ceiling.

My heart was beating too loud for silence. Each thump echoed with everything I had swallowed just to survive. The lies I accepted, the questions I stopped asking and the choices I never really made.

I thought folding those clothes would help me feel anchored, but all it did was remind me how little of myself was left here.

I closed my eyes.

Ano'ng gagawin niya kung umalis ako? Hahabulin ba niya ako? Pipigilan? Hihilahin pabalik na parang nawawalang pag-aari?

Idinilat ko ulit ang mga mata ko.

I don't belong here, not under someone else's terms.

Mama wouldn't have raised me to stay where I wasn't free. She didn't fight for us all those years just so I could grow up and surrender to someone else's control. Sam wouldn't have stood by me through the worst nights if he thought I'd end up behind another locked door, kahit mamahaling pinto pa iyan.

I deserve more than this. Not money, no comfort. But choice. My choice. And that's what he took.

I turned my head and stared at the closed door of my room. It looked small now.

I heard the footsteps before the knock. Bumukas ang pintuan at hindi na ako nagtaka kahit ni-lock ko iyon. Hindi na rin ako nag-abala pang lumingon upang alamin kung sino iyon.

"Satin..." he called softly.

I didn't move. I just stared at the ceiling, letting the sound of my name fall flat against the air. He stepped in like I was a wounded animal he didn't want to startle.

"You should come back to our room," he said. "It's late."

Our room. That phrase made something curl in my stomach. He said it like nothing had changed. Na para bang hindi niya ako pilit na inalis mula sa kaisa-isang sandali ng kapayapaan na naranasan ko sa loob ng maraming buwan. Na para bang hindi ako sumigaw at nagmakaawa sa likod ng sasakyan na iyon, kinakamot ang salamin habang unti-unting lumalayo sa akin ang mundong tunay kong kinabibilangan.