In the Shadow of Diamond (COMPLETED)

Kabanata 33

Kabanata 33

I thought I was getting better. I thought I was learning how to live again. But now I see... I feel used and dirty like I was never real to him.. He didn't take me because he loved me. He took me because someone else wanted me. That's what hurts the most. I was not chosen because of love.

Ganoon niya ba talaga kamahal si Renae para gumamit ng ibang tao para lamang makapaghiganti sa sakit na naramdaman niya? Nasaktan siya kaya ginamit niya ako para makapanakit din?

Pagod na akong ginagamit. Ang katawan ko... ako. Hindi ko na ata kaya. I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I hate that I still cry for him even after knowing the truth. I hate that my heart still aches for the same man who broke it.

I don't want to wake up each day and wonder if anything around me is real. Alam ko namang una pa lang, kailangan niya lang ako. Alam ko naman na una pa lang, walang kahit na anong malalim ang mayroon sa aming dalawa. Kaya hindi ko alam kung bakit kahit alam ko naman sa simula pa lang ay nasasaktan ako.

Maybe because deep down... I hoped. Maybe a part of me believed that one day, everything would change. That he would wake up and see me, not the girl his enemy once wanted. Not the replacement for a past he couldn't forget.

He never truly saw me. And now I don't know who I am anymore. I tried so hard. I tried to make this strange life feel like home. I tried to accept him, to forgive him, to love him. And maybe I did. Maybe I do. Pero ano naman ang silbi ng pagmamahal ko kung sa simula pa lang ay kasangkapan lang ako sa galit niya, sa sakit na naramdaman niya?

I'm not a toy. I'm not a placeholder. I'm a person. I have a heart. And if I stay with him, I will forget who I am completely. And I deserve more than that.

"Ate, dito na tayo ulit? Hindi na ba tayo babalik sa Canada?" si Sam.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Mama na ngayon ay inaayos ang mga damit namin sa lumang kabinet. She didn't say anything, but her silence was enough. She was waiting for me to answer.

Napapayag ko si Cronus na iuwi kami ng Pilipinas. Kalalapag lang namin kanina at aaminin kong naninibago ako. Pero napanatag ang loob ko dahil nandito na ulit ako sa tunay kong tahanan.

I nodded. "Dito na ulit tayo. Masaya naman dito 'diba? Magkakasama tayo."

Sam's lips pressed into a line, as if he didn't know how to feel about it. I couldn't blame him. Everything happened so fast. One day we were in Canada, in a house too big and too comfortable. Then, we were back here, no pool, no luxuries, no guards at the gate, just the sound of dogs barking from a neighbor's yard.

I sat beside him and gently pulled him into a hug.

"Hayaan mo magtatrabaho naman ulit si Ate. Kapag nakapag-ipon ako, bibilhan kita ng kahit anong gusto mo."

He nodded against my shoulder. "Ayos lang naman sa 'kin, Ate. Pero paano si Kuya Cronus? Hindi ba siya pupunta dito? Magiging mag-isa siya sa Canada. Malungkot 'yon."

My heart stopped when I heard Sam say his name. I felt my breath catch, but I forced a smile, small, shaky. I didn't want Sam to feel what I carried. He was too young to understand the kind of pain I was drowning in.

"Hindi muna siya pupunta dito," I said softly. "May trabaho siya doon. Busy siya."

It was a safe answer. It was the only one I could give without falling apart again.

Sam looked down at his hands.

"Pero babalik pa ba tayo roon, Ate? Mamimiss ko ang Canada at sina Ate Mona, Ate Dian, Manang Hilda, sina Boss Manthon at—"