In the Shadow of Diamond (COMPLETED)

Kabanata 24

Kabanata 24

I don't really understand him. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay bumalik sa dating normal ang buhay ko. Sa nakikita ko kasi, gusto niyang dumepende ako sa kaniya. Hindi naman puwedeng ganoon, may sarili rin akong buhay. Hindi porket mag-asawa kami, siya na ang hahawak ng buhay ko.

Matapos ng pag-uusap naming iyon ni Cronus ay naging iwas at malayo ang loob ko sa kaniya. Hindi pa rin ako bumabalik sa kuwarto namin, hindi rin ako sumasabay sa kaniyang kumain. Wala akong ibang ginawa kundi ang magkulong sa kuwartong ito, tutal ay kinukulong niya rin naman ako. Kaya ano pang rason para lumabas?

Alam kong wala na akong magagawa at mukhang imposible na talagang matakasan ko siya, ang tanging kaya ko nalang gawin ay ang tanggapin. Tanggapin na kasal kami at kahit anong gawin ko, mananatili ako sa anino niya.

But can't we just live a normal life as husband and wife? One where I still have a voice, where I still have the right to make decisions for myself, where he doesn't order me around. Is it too much to ask for respect? For space? I'm not his puppet. I never agreed to be someone he could command whenever he pleased.

I want to believe there's a version of this life where I don't feel like a prisoner. Where marriage means partnership, not surrender. Where I can breathe freely again, laugh without fear, and make choices without asking for permission. Iyon ang tinanggal niya sa akin.

"Miss Satin, hindi ka pa ba kakain?" si Manang Hilda na pumasok sa loob ng kuwarto.

"Mamaya nalang po siguro. Hindi pa po ako gutom." sabi ko at mas ibinaon ang sarili sa kama.

Narinig kong napabuntong-hininga si Manang Hilda.

"Kailangan mo ba ng kausap, Miss Satin?"

Natahimik ako, not because I didn't want to talk, but because I didn't know what to say anymore.

What would I even tell her? That I feel like a ghost in my own life? That my own husband sees marriage as ownership, and care as control?

"Hindi ko po alam, Manang. Hindi ko po kasi siya naiintindihan."

Isang matulis na bagay ang naramdaman ko sa puso ko. Maybe he married me because he wanted someone who would obey him without question. Someone who would pleasure him when he wanted it, bear the child he desired. That's all I am to him, just that. That's the extent of my place in his life.

At ngayon, hindi ko alam kung bakit kahit alam kong ganoon naman talaga noong una palang ay nasasaktan ako. Siguro ay natatakot din. Kapag nagsawa siya sa akin, kapag pinagsawaan na niya ako at naibigay ko na ang anak na gusto niya, ibabasura na niya ako. Kaya siguro hindi niya ako magawang pakawalan ay dahil hindi pa siya tapos sa akin, hindi pa siya nagsasawa sa ngayon.

"Manang, bakit po kaya kailangan umabot sa ganito? Bakit ako pa ang nakuha niyang paglaruan? Wala naman po akong kasalanan sa kaniya."

Dahil hindi pa ba paglalaro ang ginagawa niyang ito sa akin Because if this isn't a game to him, then what is it? Isn't it a game when someone keeps you close not out of love, but for control?Isn't it a game when he pretends to protect you, only to clip your wings so you'll never think of flying?

I didn't sign up to be someone's experiment. I didn't marry him so I could slowly disappear. At ngayon, parang nagbago na lahat. I wanted real. The kind that makes you feel safe, not trapped. The kind that builds you up, not breaks you piece by piece.

But here I am... broken. And worst of all, still hoping. Still wishing that maybe he'll wake up one day and see me. Not as a thing. Not as a vessel. But as a person. His wife, his equal. But even that hope starting to feel like a betrayal to myself.