In the Shadow of Diamond (COMPLETED)

Kabanata 36

Kabanata 36

"Ma, bakit niyo naman po sinabi kay Cronus ang tungkol sa pagbubuntis ko?" mahinahong tanong ko.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit niya iyon ginawa. Alam naman ni Mama kung anong pinagdadaanan ko ngayon, alam niya rin na hindi pa ako handang makipag-ayos kay Cronus, ni sabihin ang tungkol sa magiging anak namin.

"Pasensya kana, nak. Sinadya ka kasi niya rito, kinausap niya rin naman ako nang maayos. Pero kasi, siya pa rin ang ama ng dinadala mo. Karapatan niyang malaman iyon, hindi ba?"

I could see the sincerity in her eyes, but all I could feel was frustration. She didn't understand. Or maybe she did, pero gusto ko kasing sa akin manggagaling. Ako ang magsasabi sa kaniya kung kailan ko gusto.

I hugged my knees to my chest and looked away from her to hide the frustration creeping up my throat. Umupo rin siya sa tabi ko.

"Naiintindihan naman kita, nak. Naiintindihan ko rin siya. Gusto niyang magpakaama, kasal pa rin kayong dalawa. Hindi ba kayo puwedeng mag-usap? Baka naman maayos pa,"

I sighed heavily. "Ma, hindi ko naman po sinasabing hindi kami magkakaayos. Alam ko naman pong kasal kami, magkakaanak pa. At... mahal ko po siya. Sadyang kailangan ko lang po ng kaunting panahon. Iyon lang naman po ang gusto ko."

She fell silent, her hand gently resting on my shoulder.

Tumango siya. "Nirerespeto ko iyon, pasensya kana kung napangunahan kita...."

Tahimik lang akong tumango, hindi ko alam kung paano ipaliwanag pa sa kanya kung gaano ako kakapoy sa lahat ng nangyayari. I want her to see that I'm not running away from everything, I just need a little space to breathe. I'm not ready to fix things yet with Cronus, kailangan ko pa talaga ng panahon.

It wasn't that I didn't care about him. I did. I love him, I really do, but there was so much tangled up inside me that I didn't know how to sort it out. It felt like every time I tried to talk to him, to fix things, I ended up feeling even more confused.

I know he wants to fix things, too. I know he's trying. I can see that, even if I'm too scared to admit it.  I know he cares, but the more I think about facing him, the more I feel like I'm drowning in all the things I'm not ready to face.

I wish they knew that sometimes love and patience need time to heal, and that's what I need right now, time. But I also knew that, deep down, I didn't want to be coddled. I didn't want to be rushed. I needed to figure things out in my own way, on my own time.

Bumuhos ang ulan nang makalabas si Mama sa kuwarto ko at naiwan akong nakahiga habang malalim ang iniisip. Hinawakan ng dalawang kamay ko ang aking tiyan at ibinaba ang tingin ko roon.

"Pasensya kana kung hindi ko pa kayang harapin ang daddy mo.  But I'm not going to run away. I'll be here for you, just like I'm trying to be here for myself." I whispered.

I stared at my hands on my stomach. Ang tanging maririnig lang ay ang malakas na buhos ng ulan mula sa bintana. It almost felt like the world was waiting with me. I pressed my forehead to the pillow, eyes closed, taking deep breaths.

"I wish things were simpler," my voice barely audible. "I wish I could just talk to him. Tell him how I feel... but I'm just not ready."

I pressed my hands against my belly again. I closed my eyes to drown out the noise in my head. Nagtagal ako sa ganoong posisyon hanggang sa hilahin ako nang antok.

Nagising ako nang pa rin tumitila ang ulan. Nang tingnan ko ang orasan ay mag-aalasingko na ng madaling araw. Bumangon ako para sana ay kumuha nang maiinom ngunit natigilan nang makita ang nakahiga sa upuang kahoy sa sala. Cronus was lying on the wooden chair, his arms crossed over his chest, his face relaxed in a way I hadn't seen in weeks.