I stepped into the classroom and trudged over to the bag seat. Just as I take my seat my friend Emily launches herself over to me and waves a piece of bright pink card in my face.
"Oh My God! What am I going to wear! What are you wearing?" She squeals, I stare at the pink card, no recognition what's so ever.
"um, to what?" I question.
"Ellie's big birthday party! Obviously..." My face drops. I realise.
"oh." I look down, my eyes starting to water. "eeer , I haven't been invited." I say without looking up.
"Oh" she says, I feel my cheeks burn. I thought Ellie was my friend. Her teasing me had been a one off, right?
"One minute" I say to Emily, as I get up and walk over to the bundle of fake that is Ellie.
"Hey Tori! She smiles at me.
"Hey, so where's my invite then?" I joke to her, her face falls slightly,
"um, well , er, actually, um, you're not invited."
"What!" I almost screech.
"I'm er, only allowed five people to go to it." I eye the pile of pink in her hand, there's more than five invites there. My eyes squint at the lettering on the top of the pile. She's having a photo shoot for her birthday.
"oh" I say again, my eyes are starting to water. "I've got to go." I walk out of the classroom. I can't stay in there any longer without breaking down. I walk into the toilets and sit in the furthest cubicle, before I let myself cry. Of course Ellie wouldn't want me there, she's having a photo shoot. I'll just ruin the pictures with my ugly fat body. Why would she want me there? I'm just an ugly fat pig. I look at my thunder thighs, could they get any bigger? I would take up most of the pictures with fat. No wonder she didn't invite me. I wipe my eyes and leave the cubicle. Stay strong tori, you can do this. I splash my face with water and try as best I can to make myself look like I haven't been crying. I leave the toilets just as the first lesson bell goes.
I don't listen to any of the lessons I sit in for the rest of the day. There's no point. I won't remember any of it because of the state I'm in. At lunch I leave all the bitchy girls and go to the gym. I don't tell them, they'd laugh. How often do you see a fat girl in the gym? My stomach growls as I get changed into my pe kit. I abandon pe shorts and pull on trackies instead. I don't think I can stand the sight of my legs for much longer. My white pe top stretches over my stomach in the most unflattering way, I cover it with my black sports hoodie. I quickly tug my trainers on and grab my ipod. I lock everything else away in my locker.
I plug in my earphones and I start to jog on the treadmill. I turn up the music so I can't hear the heavy stomp of my feet on the machine. The sound of Edith Backlund's song "Skinny" fills my ears. Last night I downloaded a load of pro ana music to my ipod. I'm not anorexic , but the music helps to keep me motivated.
My feet thump in beat to the chorus.
"skinny
all these voices singing
skinny
all my monsters singing
skinny
got to fit that new bikini
skinny
all the world is singing
skinny
all them girls are swinging
got to fit that new bikini"
My stomach hurts, I haven't eaten all day. I look down at my stomach. I grimace at the sight of it, and continue running even though every single muscle aches with pain. I stop when I reach 200 calories burned. It's not very many, but I can't manage any more. I turn the volume on my ipod down but keep the music in my ears. I hum along to the tune as I drag myself to the changing rooms, I stop when I reach the vending machine by the doors, and quickly get a bottle of water from it. I gulp down the cool zero calorie liquid. I change back into my clothes as fast as I can. So I can try to avoid looking at my body for too long. I'm exhausted, I slump on the changing room bench and barely manage to put my pe kit away in its bag. I only have one lesson after my lunch period but I don't think that I have the energy to make it all the way to that block and up and down stairs, so like in registration I hide in the toilets.
When I eventually hear the bell go I rush to the bus, I don't care if I'm making my body hurt even more but running again, there is no way that I'm going to stand up on the bus today. I'm one of the first on my bus so I sit near the middle of the bus, all the populars sit at the back and all the really nerdy people sit in the front. I chuck my bag next to the window and sit in the seat by the aisle, then nobody can sit with me. My earphones are still in and I listen to the music to drown out the load voices of the students that gradually fill the bus. i wait until everyone's absorbed in conversation before switching seats with my bag. I lean my head against the window. -200 calories I'm on right now. This is going to be one long day.
