I finish my shift at the charity shop and avoid all other mention of the topic. After I said that fatal sentence I made an excuse to go and sort some books and the topic wasn’t brought up again. I walked the 45 minute walk home. Considering I left the house at 9 am I didn’t get back till 3pm since my shift finished at 2pm. When I walk in mum asks if I want any lunch.
“no thanks, Rachel brought magnum ice cream and doughnuts to work so I’m stuffed.” That’s partially true, Rachel did bring all that in and she did offer it to me. But of course I declined.
Empty is pure, empty is strong.
“okay then Tori, I’m not going to cook dinner as I’m cooking lunch so you can make something later if you’re hungry.”
“sure mum.” I go up to my bedroom and pick up my copy of “the best little girl in the world” and begin to read it again. But I keep thinking. Why hasn’t mum noticed my weightloss. Everyone else has. But then again, she has noticed I’m thinner and when you see someone every day it’s harder to notice. I’ve lost over 30lbs and Abi has only just noticed, a long with everyone else. It’s only time before mum catches on. I need to lose more.
I take a large gulp of water from the bottle. Wait. Water retention. Water weight. If I drink water am I going to get fat? I can’t drink it. I push the bottle away. Nothing will pass my lips from now on. Nothing. I can’t consume anything. I will just gain and gain and gain. And I need to lose. I need to be perfect.
“TORI! CAN YOU COME DOWNSTAIRS!?” I sigh and pull myself off my bed, I trudge downstairs and into my mother’s room.
“yes” I raise my eyebrows, her room is trashed, she seems to be doing some sort of clearout.
“I was just clearing out some of my stuff when I found all the photo albums from when before I had you and when you were younger.”
“oh my God that’s so cool!” I sit next to her on the bed and we begin to flick through the pictures. I laugh at the funny ones, “aww” at the cute ones, and smile at the family ones but all I can feel is one emotion, something that’s tugging at my heart as I stare at photos of a younger version of me. A happier version of me. A version of me that doesn’t have scars scattered all over her body. A version of me who can eat without feeling any guilt. Tears well at my eyes, I squeeze my eyes to stop myself crying.
And then at the end of the last album is a huge pile of photos. I pick them up.
“what are these?” I say
“oh, I’ve been meaning to start another album but I haven’t gotten around to it so I just put all the photos here.” we flick through these pictures, most of them from the past 2 years.
Mum holds one up, “Christ tori have you changed,” I look at the photo, In it I’m smiling, I’m chubby, and I look happy. It must have been back when I was 126lbs. “how old is this?” mum laughs and turns the photo over. “fuck me.”
“what?”
“tori this photo was taken 6 months ago.”
“shit.” I mutter.
“you look hell of a lot heavier in this than you do now.”
“I might have dropped a couple of pounds, nothing serious.” She stands up,
“how did I not realise, you’re living in the same fucking house as me and I didn’t notice it, I didn’t notice how much weight you’ve lost.” I start to cry,
“honestly mum, it’s nothing.”
“this is not nothing! You’re skin and bones! Theres nothing of you!”
“There’s plenty of me! Stop exaggerating”
“Tori, are you eating?”
“of course I am,”
“I haven’t seen you eat in days…no weeks! This is serious!”
“I eat mum! There’s nothing wrong with me! I swear!”
“no tori, I’m ringing the doctor” I run out of the room with tears pouring down my face. Why does everyone have to notice at the same time! I can’t deal with this.
I stay in my room for the rest of the weekend, not speaking. Mum tries to talk to me, she brings me food once she realises I’m not coming downstairs. I don’t eat it, which only causes her to cry which then causes me to cry, but I can’t eat.
I’m more light headed then ever before, but if this is the price I have to be in order to be skinny then so be it.
AN:
i know this a really shitty chapter, i hate it and i will probably edit it a lot once this book is finished, I'm sorry but i need to finish this and then i'll edit.
