After PE I quickly change and rush from the changing rooms in order to avoid the bitchy girls with their spiteful metal tongues. I push through my lessons until lunch, but the time goes painfully slow. Their words ring in my ears, how on earth can I be anorexic? Anorexics are those thin girls that never eat right? And I most definitely am not thin! But still their comments ring in my ears. As the bell goes for lunch I can feel myself almost running to the changing rooms. I get changed into some leggings and a t-shirt and wait for Abi. Stupid dance rehearsals. I sit around scrolling through tumblr whilst I wait for Abi, it usually distracts me but for some reason today my mind is still hovering over the words said to me. I stand up and walk over to the mirror. I run my fingers along my collarbones. I guess it’s true that my weight loss has become slightly more visible now that I’ve losing weight and a more rapid pace. I stare at my reflection, actually I’m quite proud of how visible my collarbones are. I lift up my shirt and stare at my stomach, of course it’s still incredibly fat but my ribs are more visible than they were. How have I not noticed this before? I quickly drop my shirt as I hear someone enter the changing rooms.
“Tori?” I hear abi’s voice echo through the room.
“I’m right here,” I say as I walk over to her. As she changes into her dance kit she discusses our dance, and something about how we need to film it to see it from a different perspective. But in all honesty I have no idea what she is saying. I’m too focused on running my fingers along my collarbones.
“Tori?” she says snapping me out of my trance,
“huh?”
“come on!” I follow her out of the changing rooms, we walk over to the changing rooms, her still nattering on about something dance related. She pushes open the door to the dance studio and I follow her in. I realise that I need to start paying attention so I force myself to listen to her mindless nattering. She sets up her camera on the tripod that is always kept in the studio to record dances. She holds the remote to the amp which Is connected to her phone as we get into out positions. The video camera is already recording, she clicks the music on and then throws the remote away from her. As we start to dance I begin to lose myself in the dance and I start to feel alive. A genuine smile creeps up onto my face as we perform the dance as best as we can. I land all my turns perfectly and my leaps feel more graceful. I feel alive. I don’t feel numb anymore.
Too soon the music ends and my illusion is shattered, and I can no longer feel anything. I stand in my final position, ever so slightly breathless but with a huge smile on my face. Abi runs over to the camera to turn it off and I collect the remote from where Abi chucked it and stop the amp from playing any more music. She disconnects the camera from the tripod and we sit on the floor with it. She holds out the camera and she clicks play. As I watch out dance on the small screen of Abi’s camera I can’t help but compare our body’s. But the more I watch the less I recognize my own. I wouldn’t say I’m thin but I’m not quite as fat as I used to be.
“oh my gosh, that was actually awesome!” I gasp as it finishes,
“I know right! We’ve done an awesome job!”
“I can’t actually believe we choreographed that!” we gasp and giggle over the performance which I can’t help but feel a little proud of. But Abi’s face is slightly in a frown as she speaks.
“hey, whats up.” I say to Abi,
“Tori, have you lost weight?” I reel back slightly in shock.
“not really,”
“but tori, just look at this video, you’re so thin!” I stifle a laugh
“oh Abi, I’m really not that thin!” she raises her eyebrow
“but-“
“but nothing, I’ve just toned up a bit from doing dance every lunchtime.”
“Tori, you have not toned up, you’re bones are sticking out of you’re body, that’s not called being toned, that’s called being a fucking skeleton!
“I’m not a skeleton!”
“Tori, how much weight have you lost.”
“barely anything! the odd pound or two.”
“YOU HAVE LOST A LOT MORE THAN A POUND OR TWO!” she stands up and takes a few steps away, “Tori, are you even eating???”
“of course I’m eating, If I wasn’t eating I wouldn’t be alive would i?” I stand up and screech at her.
“you’re barely alive! Look at yourself Tori, you’re just skin and bones! There’s nothing else too you!”
“that’s not true!” I weakly reply,
“you’re not the fun person I became friends with, you’re a shadow of her,”
“I’m still the same old Tori, I’m just a bit thinner.”
“that’s’ bullshit and you know it! How long has this been going on for?” I think in my head, half a year I think, maybe 9 months?
“nothing’s going on!”
“Tori, you have a problem!”
“no I don’t! I’m just a normal person!”
“now you’re not! Are you starving yourself Tori?” she walks closer to me, I look down,
“of course I’m not.” She wraps her arm around me, suddenly realising just how serious and sensitive this is.
“yes you are Tori, you have a problem and you need help.”
