Me and abi walk down the stairs with our arms laden with no empty pizza boxes, I can feel leftover oil seeping through to my hands, I cringe slightly.
"Are you okay tori?" Abi says to me whilst giving me the glance that she has been all night.
"Yeah, it's just colder here than upstairs" If I told her the truth about why I cringed she would never let it go. I push open the door and she walks through.
"That's not what I meant..." She says as she chucks pizza boxes into wheelie bin, I hand her mine as I say,
"What did you mean then?"
"I meant are you okay in general" I raise an eyebrow,
"I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?" I slam the door slightly too hard when we walk back in.
"You seem a bit out of it, and you ate barely anything." I cringed slightly at the last part of her sentence.
"I'm just a bit tired that's all, and I ate tons!" I protest back to her,
"Tori, I've been watching you, you ate hardly anything!" I raise an eyebrow as we climb the stairs back to Rose's room.
"Just a bit creepy you know." I say referring to the first part of her sentence. I ignore the last part, I force a smile onto my face as we enter the room. The girls are sat in the pyjamas eating popcorn and watching a movie.
"Started without us..." I say and raise an eyebrow. Rose laughs and shrugs her shoulders. I grab my pyjamas and rush over to the bathroom to get changed. I hate changing in front of people, unlike abi who is perfectly fine with quickly switching into pjs in front of everyone. In all fairness if I was as slim as her I don't think I would be self conscious either!
I fling myself on the sofa, the film seems uninteresting to me but I can hardly settle anyway with Abi's eyes glancing at me every few seconds. Eventually I get sick of it and grab a handful of salted popcorn and slowly eat it just to get her to lay of. She sighs but turns back to the movie. I don't see her looking at me after that. The movie does bore me so being the antisocial person that I am I pull out my phone and start scrolling through tumblr. I spend the rest of the evening rebloging posts and staring at the thinspiration. Reminding me not to eat. To stay strong. To become the girl I want to be.
It takes me a while to fall asleep that night, whilst everyone else curls up in their sleeping bags and drifts into dreams I stay awake tossing and turning. My body not used to containing this many calories. I try and mentally add them all up, but my brain begins to hurt. I pull out my phone and flick to my calorie counter app. I log all the foods I have consumed today:
3 dorritos= 37.5 calories
2 slices of haiwaan pizza= 350 calories
Handful of salted popcorn= 190 calories.
In total I’ve eaten 577.5 calories. I know it’s less than the others who haven’t been able to stop stuffing their mouths with greasy fatty food, but I still feel this guilt which swallows me whole. I switch of my phone unable to look at the horrid number anymore. I was supposed to stay strong but instead…. Instead I’ve just been a fat pig. As I curl up into my sleeping bag I feel silent tears rolling down my cheek. Tomorrow will be a fast day, I have to make up for this somehow.
