WARNING:MAY BE TRIGGERING TO SELF-HARMERS
A week after I started to eat less I step on the scales. I’ve been putting it off for a while now, I’m scared the number won’t have dropped. I close my eyes as my feet touch the scales, and then slowly open them, one by one. I peer at the number. 120lbs. I’ve lost 6 pounds this week. Only 6 pounds. I’m still 120lbs of fat. I stare down at my body, could I get any fatter? It’s a Saturday which means no school, luckily. I grab some skinny jeans, a pink top and a grey cardigan and quickly put them on, without looking in the mirror. I let my brown curly hair fall down my back, to tie it up neatly I would have to look in the mirror, and I can’t do that. I walk down the stairs , the smell of food instantly hits me. I groan as I suddenly realise what day it is. My mother’s birthday, and she’s having a buffet lunch. I offer to cook whilst she puts food and crisps out on the dinner table. I only offer so I can analyse how many calories will be in the food I’m going to eat. I feel myself getting scared as the numbers get higher and higher in my head, if I eat everything that I like my calorie count will be over 2500! I can’t eat that many calories! I’ve only been eating around 700 this week each day! All my hard work will be gone! I’ll be even fatter than before! Once the foods cooked I help my mother take it in to the table, it all smells so nice, so appetising! When all mums friends come round and we start to eat I just can’t help myself, I pile food onto my plate, large portions of everything. I just can’t stop myself. I shove it all into my mouth like the fat pig I am. When it’s all gone, I feel sick, sick that I’ve aten so much and sick that I haven’t got any control. I groan and go and re-examine the food packaging, I add up the totals in my head. I feel even sicker when I realise that I’ve aten 3988 calories. It takes 3500 calories to put on a pound of fat. I’m such a fat failure.
That night I lie in bed, thinking negative thoughts about myself. My head hurts from it all, I pick up my teen magazine from the floor and stare at the tiny, perfect models. I have to look like them. I need to look like them. I turn the page and find an article. An article on pro-ana websites. They are websites supporting people to lose weight through not eating, and a place were people who are going through anorexia can talk and support each other. The article is making these sites sound immoral, and awful. They only list the negative’s. But all I can think of are the positives. I’m not anorexic, but, I do need to lose weight, and this seems like a good idea. I lift my laptop of the floor and turn it on. I go onto google and type in “pro-ana sites”. Everything seems to be articles about them, I scroll down and eventually find one. I read people’s stories, listen to their cries, their motivation, their weight loss. I scroll through the thinspiration, feeling fatter by the second. I read forum and forum of skinny girls staying strong and losing weight. But one forum stands out. The self-harm forum. I’ve never cut myself before, but I do know what self-harm is. I click onto the forum, reading tips and tricks of harming and hiding their scars. I start to think. I need to punish myself. It’ll only be once. On impulse I switch off the computer and take out my pencil sharpener from my pencil case. Using a hairclip I unscrew the tiny screw and pull out the blade. I take off the grey waterfall cardigan I’m wearing , and slowly put the blade to my skin. I drag it across my arm. It hurts. It hurts a lot! But I feel relief. I watch as blood droplets run down my arm. I smile. I wrap my arm in a bandage and pull my cardigan back on. I’ve just cut myself.
AN/
Pro-ana is pro anorexia and thinspiration is basically thin inspiration so pictures and quotes that motivate people to be thin. Just in case any of you guys didn’t understand. I know that self-harm is a sensitive subject among people and I tried to write this as realistically but as least triggering as I could, I am not in any way promoting self-harm! Thanks for reading guys xx
