I fall asleep quickly that night, I had no energy to cry myself to sleep. I bandaged up my wrist and just pretended I got hurt round Abi's to my parents. They don't need to know the truth.
I wake before my alarm clock goes off, but I lay in bed until I hear the familiar tune of "last resort" playing. I get out of bed and grab my phone of the floor. I stop the music playing with one button. I sigh and look at the date on my phone. Saturday. At least there's no school, no people to make my day a living hell. I turn to face the mirror and instantly grimace, I can see at least 20 flaws already. My skin isn't clear enough, my hair isn't straight enough, my thighs are touching, my arms are too fat, my stomachs too fat, my feet are even too fat! I'm just too fat. I turn away, my eyes full off tears. I look at my bed wearily, as much as I want to I know that going back to bed is not an option as I won't be able to sleep just think! And that is never a good option. I sigh and walk over to my closet. I frown as I stare at the racks of clothes.
Cute clothes are made for skinny girls, you'd just look ridiculous
The voice whispers to me as I pick up various items of clothing to examine. I eventually settle on a pair of black sweat pants and an oversized shirt with a hoodie flung over the top. I look in the mirror with dismay at my hair, there's not much I can do to try and make it look half-decent. I fling it into a messy bun and quickly move away from my reflection. I don't bother with my make-up, when I was a happy girl I used to spend hours choosing the right outfit and putting on the perfect amount of make-up. Now I can't stand in front of the mirror long enough to do that without breaking down. I walk slowly out of my room and downstairs , I enter the kitchen and am instantly overpowered by the smell of cooked breakfast. My mum and little sister sit at the breakfast bar shovelling the greasy fatty food into their mouths. I turn up my nose.
"Hey Tori," my mum gestures towards the greasy pile of shit, aka 'food' "you want some?" Eww as if!
"You know eating early in the morning makes me feel nauseous" I say and walk over to the kettle where I make a black coffee. I hate coffee but it's 0 calories and it will wake me up. My sister and mums conversation is like background noise until mum says "anyway tori you'd better go change, you're going out." I groan
"I am changed!"
"Well your not going out like that!"
I sigh, "we're am i going?" I ask slightly puzzled
"You have work" my mum says with a smug smile.I instantly feel like screaming, but I just sigh and make my way back upstairs to change. I get dressed into some skinny jeans, a slightly tighter fitting top and an oversized long cardigan. I look briefly in the mirror, I look half decent, and slightly thinner than usual. I beam.
Ha as if you'd ever be thin, compared to your boss you're a fucking elephant!
My smile drops as I push the thought away. I pull a pair of pumps on and then go downstairs.
Before long I'm climbing out of mums car and walking towards the shop. I press the doorbell on the back entrance. I stand there for a few seconds awkwardly before rachel opens the door, "Hey tori, come in" she gestures for me to follow her. I shuffle in nervously, "so how are you?" She asks me, "tired!" I mumble, she laughs. "Right so let's start on doing decodes, I'm not going to explain it all in great detail to you as you'll pick it up quickly! So I'm going to go round the shop and remove any clothing items that have been out for 3 weeks and then I'll put them on that desk," she points to a long wooden table attached to the wall with an already large pile on top of it. "And you will take off the hanger, take the size cube of the hanger, and put the clothes in a large bin bag." She gestures to a hanging shoe rack filled with different size cubes and a rack under the table full of hangers. "You can put the hangers and cubes there, and you can continue with the pile I've started. Got it?" She says, overwhelmed with information I say "sure" and she walks off into the shop, her tiny hips swishing as she walks.
Ha you'll never be as thin as that!
I start bagging up the clothes, ever so conscious that at least half of them wouldn't fit me. After all how on earth would I squeeze into a perfect size 2-4 (an: all sizes are english sizing, so 2-4 is a size 0). I pick up the largest item of clothing I can see, a revolting size 30 dress. It could almost fit me. I've gotten through half the pile when rachel walks back into the room , her tiny arms weighed down with clothes. I raise my eyebrows as she sets the clothes down. She laughs "I know it's a lot, but don't worry, there won't be much more!" I smile "thank god," she walks off with a smile, as she walks she rubs one of her arms and I notice red marks on both her arms from where she was carrying the clothes. I remember the marks I have up my arms. Also from clothes, but more of how I'm too fat to wear them rather than from carrying them. I pull my sleeves down to cover up my scars and fresh cuts that I pray she didn't notice. Rachel seems nice and I'd rather she thinks of me as the fat but sweet and nice teenage volunteer rather than the fat, ugly and horrid emo volunteer.
An:
I am not calling people who cut emos, as even though this is a true story and I do cut and I did just use the word emo in the worst way, I do not believe it. Anorexia makes you think and do thinks you wouldn't usually do, and I honestly hope that no one is offended by that last comment from tori.
Also! So sorry that I haven't uploaded! I have had a ton of shit going on but things are starting to get better so I'll start uploading again :)
Thank you so much for reading!
xx
