After an hour of discussing our dance I'm exhausted. I sigh as I pull my school bag from my gym locker and lock my kit away.
'Enthusiastic I see.' I raise an eyebrow at Abi's remark.
"No, just not too happy about going to maths next!" I force a smile, but inside I'm screaming. I say my goodbyes before leaving the changing rooms. I sigh deeply, its not that I don't feel enthusiastic about maths, its that I'm in pain. My stomach hurts more than usual. But I just have to force a smile and bare it.
Luckily maths goes quickly, and I rush out of the school building and to bus. I grab a seat,but wince in pain as I sit down, the pain did not go away in maths. I search my school bag for paracetamol and smile in relief when I find a box. I pop 2, and swallow them quickly with water.
"Popping pills I see" smirks abi as she takes the seat next to me, I flash her my middle finger and say sarcastically
"Of course"I shove the now emptier box away in my bag, "nah, I've just got a shitty headache." I lie, abi smiles at me, I look out the window. We're nearing the first stop. "Actually hun, I might get off a few stops early, the fresh air might do me some good" I explain to abi, she raises an eyebrow, but moves out the way so I can get off. She smiles and says goodbye. As the bus stops I ponder, Abi Is being really quite quiet around me at the moment. Not hardly as talkative as she usually is.
Its because she can't stand to be around or even talk to someone as much of a fat failure as you!
No! I scream inside my head to myself. But I know its true, I am fat and I am a failure. A single tear falls down my face. Its quite quiet around so there's no one around to see my break. But still I quickly wipe the tear away and compose myself. I quiver slightly as my stomach rumbles, but I don't need nor want to eat. I pull my phone out.
Gonna have dinner at Abi's
Home around 7
Xxx
I text my mum. I highly doubt she will check up on me but if she does I know abi will cover for me and not ask too many questions. I shove my phone into my school bag. I pull my gross school blazer off and shove it also into my school bag. I walk too the nearest newsagents, I deliberately avoid the sweet and confectionery section and just head straight to the magazines. I briefly scan them before picking out a teen vogue as well as a couple of others. On the way to the till I pick up a bottle of diet coke. I pay quickly before leaving and starting the short walk to one of the local parks. I sip my diet coke, trying to get rid of the hunger pangs in my stomach. It doesn't take long to walk to the park as I live in quite a small area. I walk across an expanse of green grass before pushing open an old and rusty little gate to the park open. I shuffle across the wood chipped ground. I sit on one of the four swings, it creaks under my weight. No surprises there. I'm just a fatty who can't even sit on a swing without it creaking. I take another swig of my diet coke. If only I had something stronger, but alcohol contains way too many calories. I slowly swing backwards and forwards, my brown curls flying out behind me. I reach into my school bag and pull out one of the magazines I bought. I flick through the pages as tears start to roll down my cheeks. Maybe buying magazines wasn't such a great idea. Why can't I look like those tiny models. Their legs are so long and slender. I look down at my tree trunks , they can barely pass as legs. Why can't I be thin and tiny! I pull at my leg fat, my hands fill quickly with the fat. I sob and let go of my flubber. It's at times like this I'm glad the parks empty. I pull at the magazine, but my fat hands barely even tear it. I wipe the tears from my face but more just replace them.
I slowly swing backwards and forwards, I gave up wiping the tears of my face. I feel droplets hitting my legs, I laugh. I can't be crying that much! I look up to the sky. I wasn't crying that much, I think as water droplets fall from the sky and hit my face. I laugh to myself, I grab my school bag and rush out of the park as quickly as I can. I shove the magazines in a bin on my way out. There's no point in keeping them. Behind the local park is a small public forest, I run towards it. My footsteps sound heavy on the soggy ground. I run through a maze of trees, there leaves offering me protection from the now heavy rain. I lean against a huge oak tree, hoping to try and catch my breath. As I stand there I notice a group of girls in the distance walking towards me. They look a bit older than me, and all impossibly tiny. I notice that one girl stands out from the others, I recognise her. I stare at her tiny frame and short blonde hair. And then I remember. She's one of the girls in my pe group, the person who started the insults pelted at me that one awful volleyball lesson. I breath in sharply, at the same time I notice how my breathing is rushed, I'm out of breath. They walk closer towards me, that one girl starts to laugh. She nudges the girl next to her and soon there pointing and laughing. I pull my phone out of my bag, I need to make it look like I'm doing something. "Aha look girls!! The fatty's out of breath!" They all start to giggle and I start to go pink. "What happened FAToria, are you so big that you can't even walk without getting exhausted." They all laugh louder, one girl mimics a fat person waddling. She's mimicking me. I feel my eyes start to water. "Oh look! Is FAToria crying? Or is it that her eyes are watering from the weight of the fat hanging over her eyes!" They laugh, but thankfully start to walk away. FAToria. Great. A new nickname, and I can see this catching on. The tears fall easily now, as I slid down the tree and sink to the floor. It's no wonder they laugh at me, after all even though I've lost a bit of weight I'm still a size 4 and 118lbs, I bet there all at least size 0's or 00's. I pull at the fat on my body. I really am huge, I bet I do waddle like they suggested I do. I sob even louder. I fiddle with the phone in my hands, before I know it I'm taking off the case. And there it lies. The shiny metal blade. I pick it up. I hold it so it's just resting on my skin. With their insults running through my head, I press the blade down and pull it along my skin. I breath out in relief as I watch the blood drip out.
