My mother continued to make comments about my weight throughout the day and eventually I ate a bowl of tomato soup just to shut up. See mum , I do eat I screamed internally as I forced myself to choke down the 236 calories. It’s the first thing I had eaten in 3 days and it disgusted me. I didn’t want it in me. I ran up to my room after the meal, I couldn’t purge, I wouldn’t, the thought of vomit disgusts me. So I reached for my old friend. My blade. Punishing myself through cutting was the way forward. I went straight for my arm, I had been cutting my hips and stomach but my arms will remain my favourite place to cut. I slid the blade along creating red lines along my arm. I start to feel angry with myself for giving in and eating, I push deeper with the blade, quick sharp slicing movements along my arm. With tears rolling my eyes I stop myself. I put the blade down and hold a tissue to my arm. I peek at the cuts, I haven’t cut this deep before. The stinging feeling helps me feel alive. I bandage up my arm before pulling on a hoody and falling into sleep.
The next morning I wake up to a feeling of sharp stinging in my left arm. You know you’ve cut deeper than usual when you can still feel it when you wake up. I sigh. I know that I’m going to have to face school today. Instead of running, I decide to do twice as many crunches, they hurt me more. Punishment. I finish them eventually and stumble into the bathroom. I pull out my scale, I have to weigh less. I have to. I step onto the cold metal surface. 94lbs. I smile to myself. I’m almost at my goal.
Just another 4lbs, and you’ll be perfect.
You’ve already lost 32lbs, enough 4 will be easy if you stay strong.
I’m almost there. I smile and quickly get ready for school. I straighten my brown curls for the first time in weeks, as I stare at the finished result in the mirror I can’t help but notice how much thinner it looks.
That’s good. You’re hair used to be thick and bushy, now it’s thinning and you’ll have perfect hair to match you’re almost perfect body.
I bend down to pick up my school bag and I’m hit with a wave of dizziness, I hold onto my bathroom sink and wait for it to pass.
I slowly pick up my bag and stand up straight. I breathe in deeply and decide to grab some tea to take to school with me. I make my way into the kitchen where I make a cup of tea in a disposable cardboard container.
“aren’t you having breakfast?” my mum ask me, too tired to argue I grab a cereal bar from the cupboard.
“I’m going to be late” I explain,
“that’s not enough, there only 100 calories each.” Only! I cringe but grab a 2nd bar,
“I’m fine.” I say and walk out the front door. I shove the bars in my bag, I won’t eat them. That’s 200 calories of junk I do not need going into my body. I pop my earphones in and walk down to the bus stop. Cut by plump plays in my ears, I feel amazing, I’m on a starvation high. I stand at the bus stop alone. My friends on the bus stopped talking to me weeks ago. I guess I’m just not that much fun to be around anymore.
Don’t be stupid, their just jealous of you now. You’re almost perfect and look at them, I bet they ate at least 200 calories for breakfast!
When the bus finally comes I sit alone, as usual. But I don’t mind. At least I can sit and think whilst listening to my ana music.
The school day passes quickly again, this time because of the high I’m on and before I know it it’s lunch time and I’m in the dance studio. Me and Abi still have to do this stupid dance stuff so I might as well rehearse some of it. I plug my iphone into the amp and play the music loudly, I rehearse my part of the dance. I can’t deny that as I watch my moves in the floor to ceiling mirrors I look better than I used to, I still have a way to go but my dancing has never looked better now that I’m thinner. I do a series of backflips and cartwheels across the studio, when I stand I have to pull my top down as it’s risen up, In the mirror I notice how my ribs are more prominent as I pull my shirt down. I smile again, today’s going great. I do a celebratory pirouette just as Mrs Osbourne walks in.
“Tori! Exactly the person I wanted to speak to.” Shit.
“oh okay” I say, I walk over to the amp and turn off the music,
“we need to talk about your weight, Abi tells me you haven’t been eating properly.”
“well Abi is a bullshitter” I say in anger, that’s another new thing about me, I never used to get angry or swear often.
“Tori, you can’t deny you’ve lost a lot of weight.”
“I’ve barely lost anything”
“Tori, are you dieting?”
“only a little, just so I don’t look gross in a bikini this summer” I say quoting “the best little girl in the world”
“Tori, you’re not fat,” I roll my eyes. “I’m going to have to phone you’re mother Tori, she needs to know”
“there’s nothing wrong miss!” I exclaim,
“your weightloss is extreme Tori, some of us teachers have been discussing it, everyones really worried about you.”
“OH MY GOD! YOU DON’T NEED TO WORRY, THERE’S NOTHING WRONG.”
“when did you last eat Tori?”
“I had soup last night, see I’m normal!” she raises an eyebrow, obviously not believing me.
“Tori I’m only bringing it up because I care, you’re an exceptional dancer, and you’re an amazing person with the bubbliest personality I know and I don’t want to see you get destroyed by an eating disorder… or other things…”
“what other things?”
“I know it wasn’t your cat who hurt your arms, you have issues tori but they can be sorted”
“it’s none of your business miss”
“you’re safety is at risk Tori.”
“I’m not going to lose anymore weight.”
“Anorexia kills Tori. Do you want to die?” yes.
“of course not, it’s just a diet, that’s all, Abi completely over reated”
“Abi’s worried about you”
“Abi’s a jealous bitch.”
“Tori…”
“look there’s nothing wrong with me! How many times do I have to say it! You don’t have to worry about me, I’m fine,”
I grab my iphone and storm out of the dance studio, I almost run straight into Abi. I walk straight past her without looking at her.
“Tori…” she shouts after me.
“Tori!” She shouts again, I turn to face her. “I’m sorry, but I had to tell someone. I’m not going to stand by and watch you waste away and pretend nothing is happening! I care about you and I don’t want to watch you die.” My eyes start to well up and I turn and walk away. She shouts after me but I don’t look back. I hear Miss talking to Abi,
“She wouldn’t listen to me either
