"It's harder than it seems, not eating that is." That's what I think as I watch my friends eat their lunch, knowing that I won't be able to taste any of it as I won't eat any of my own lunch. I take a mouthful of cool zero calorie water and pop a piece of chewing gum in my mouth to distract me. I can feel my stomach about to growl, I hit it just before it makes a sound. I read somewhere that hitting your stomach stops it growling, well it's working well for me so far.
"want some?" a friend holds a half a cookie out to me, the numbers pop out at me. 53 calories in that small half an oatmeal and raisin cookie! Empty is good, empty is strong I chant inside my head.
"no thanks, I'm not hungry."
"fine, all the more for me then!" she sticks out her tongue but I can only fake a laugh in reply. Most lunchtimes are like this, the lunchtimes that I hang out with my friends, otherwise I spend them in the gym. I look down at my watch, only a few minutes of lunch break left,
"I go to go guys," I pick up my bag "I need to go speak to my dance teacher about the assessment." I wave goodbye to them. I do need to speak to my teacher, just not yet. I need time by myself. I go over to the toilets in the block nearest the dance studio and sit in there. I sigh. only one more lesson of the day, and that's dance. None of my friends took dance GCSE , I only took it on impulse. I remember why as well, I was playing volleyball in pe one day when the dance students took over half the sports hall as their room was being refurbished, I remember watching them in their black clothes, dance so gracefully and effortless, all incredibly skinny. Even the dance teacher was tiny, and I wanted to be like them so much! Of course I never told anyone that , that was the reason why I took that GCSE, I just told them it was because I enjoyed dance. And I do.
The loud school bell rings, reminding me that I need to go to next lesson. I go over to the changing rooms and change quickly, breathing in the whole time so nobody sees my fat stomach. Thank god black is a slimming colour, even If I am wearing leggings and a t-shirt which aren't that flattering. I groan, and grab my ipod from my bag ,and rush over to the studios before anybody else. I talk to miss briefly, I only needed to know when the assessment was and how many rehearsals I had left. The studio fills pretty quickly after that. Everyone starts to work on their own individual pieces. I pop my earphones in my ear, and stare into the long mirrored wall, I hate that wall. I press play, and then dance, I dance to forget everything. I don't dance ballet, I dance modern style dance. I used to do ballet when I was younger so I'm flexible luckily. As I dance I forget everything about my weight and just focus on the mirror and fixing what I'm doing wrong. I'm a perfectionist.
I continue to dance when I suddenly feel really sick and nauseous, I pause my music, and pop out my earbuds and try to breath in and out, I start to get really hot and sweaty and my I can feel my heart beating loudly, I put my hands on my hips and lean my torso forwards and try to get myself to breath normally. Until I start feeling dizzy, I start shaking really badly. I can barely stand up still. My vision starts to blur and I can barely see anything other than the little grey dots that dance in front of my eyes. I can hear my dance teacher asking if I'm okay, I feel her guide me to the floor and I sit down. Still shaking. I can hear miss telling the other girls to get back to work, I feel like I'm dying, and there's nothing that anybody can do to help. I feel so scared, so so scared, this doesn't feel real at all, like something you read in a book, not something that would happen to me. my sight slowly returns and I slowly begin to feel less dizzy. I sit myself I up, slowly. Still shaking I look up at my teacher. She's grouched in front of me, she puts a hand on my shoulder.
"Tori, are you ok? Haven't you drunk anything today? Eaten anything? " no I can't tell her, it's only been a few weeks at most since I stopped eating, she'll try and stop me. She wants me fat. I can't.
"um, yeah I've eaten, I probably just didn't drink enough that's all!' She seems to accept the answer and I breath out in relief.
"How about I take you to the medical room and I'll get Susie over there..." she points at a girl that's across the room, "... to get your stuff from the changing rooms, ok?" all I can do is nod and stand, still kind of shaking on my feet. Miss walks me over to the medical room and explains what happened to the nurse, and then I have to explain what happened. The nurse hands me a plastic cup of water and leaves me to go phone my mother to pick me up. I sit there by myself, wondering what just happened. It's all very puzzling. Susie walks into the room a few minutes later with my school bag and my clothes, etc.
"are you ok tori?" she looks at me worriedly, susie's a really sweet girl and an amazing dancer, sadly we're not that closer friends.
"I think so." I say weakly, she sits down in the chair next to mine,
"you know that's the first time I've ever seen someone collapse like that ," she ponders, I look at her,
"well it's my first time experiencing one, and I don't want it to happen again." I say slowly.
".......was it scary?" she asks whilst biting her lip, I just nod,
"yeah" the nurse walks back into the room.
"Victoria, your mother will be here soon." I nod, I hate it when I get called Victoria, pretty much everyone, including most teachers call me tori.
"well I better get back to dance," says Susie, "I hope you feel better soon" she smiles.
"thanks" I say, I don't think I could possibly say much more.
