I stand in front of the mirror in my underwear, I stare at the horrible reflection that stares back at me. I've barely lost any weight. I run my fingers over my fat belly, I have a muffin top even when I'm wearing underwear. I shake my head in disgust as a tear slowly makes it way down my face. I breath in and I notice all my bones and how concave my stomach is. I breath out. And the fat all comes rolling back, I close my eyes and run my fingers along my neck line, my collarbones barely stick out at all. I turn away from the mirror, and put trackie bottoms and a vest top on. I turn back to the mirror, my arms are like tree branches, not at all like twigs, I shove a hoodie on to cover up my skin. I tap the top of my right thigh through my 3 quarter length trackie bottoms, I can feel a burning pain as the cuts on my thigh rub against the material. Cutting is a regular thing now, its my escape from everything as well as a way to punish myself for being so weak and giving in to food. I look over at the clock on my dresser, 4:30 am. I have younger siblings that wake up early so if I want to run without getting caught I have to leave early. I quickly shove my brown hair into a ponytail, my usually curly hair was straightened a few days ago so it hangs in soft waves, it annoys me. I quickly pull on my trainers, grab a water bottle and sneak out of the house threw the french doors to the back garden. I jog at first but soon I'm running like the wind threw the street.
After 15 minutes I start to feel a burning sensation in my legs, I slow down and walk over to a near by l hate myself for being so unfit. Weak. Pathetic. I pull off my sweaty hoodie, and tug my ipod and sports strap out of the pocket, I flick it onto a motivational play list and attach the ipod to the strap which I attach to my arm, I wrap my hoodie round my waist and take a long gulp from my water bottle. I stand up and do a few lunges before popping in my earphones and continuing my run. I run for another half an hour, but only round the streets near my house. I make it home a little later than usual, 5:15 am. As I got closer to my house I noticed lights where turned on and there was movement in the house, so I pulled off my ipod and shoved it in my pocket, and hid my trainers and socks in the little wendy house in my garden. I unlocked the front door and pretended I had just got the milk from the milkman out of the porch. I sleep in trackies anyway, that way nobody gets suspicious if I'm wandering round the house in them and its easier to exercise without getting changed again, so therefore my lie is easily believed. I go back up to my room after that, and log how many calories I burned on my fitness app, I burned 560 calories...wow , I sigh and grab my school uniform, a short black pencil skirt, a white blouse and a black blazer. Ugh, I hate wearing a uniform. I get changed quickly before straightening my hair and doing all the other stuff girls do in the morning. Half and hour later I peer at the clock , I have 5 minutes before I need to leave. I grab a clean black v-neck top and pair of leggings and put them in my satchel before checking I have all of todays books. I shove on some black pumps before running down the stairs and saying bye to my mum. I pop in my earphones and slowly walked down the road, wasting as much time as possible, the bus will be late anyway, as usual.
The day passes in a blur of lessons, tests and boredom, all the while I'm counting down till the end of the day. I'm not going home though. Me and my close friend abigail have after school dance show reversals, of which I love. But kind of dreading after the fiasco of the whole panic attack thing last lesson. At the end of the day I meet Abi in the changing rooms;
'Hey' she smiles at me, and pulls me into a hug, I say hey back and we chat aimlessly as we get changed. Its a more modern dance show, even though my favourite is ballet, this is still so much fun. I get changed quickly so I wait for Abi,
'Hey are you ok tori? You look kinda pale,' Abi says to me with worry, I just shake my head and say 'I'm fine' even though I actually feel weak and have intense hunger pangs. I subtly thump my stomach to stop it growling, I can still feel the pain but nobody should be able to hear the growling.
The dance rehearsal is amazing as usual, when the music starts playing I forget everything else and just focus on the dance, and since I have a main role I don't think of much else for the next 2 hours. I'm glad I grabbed a short sleeve t-shirt this morning and not a long sleeved one as I'm sweating like hell. I'm also glad its long as it covers the bump of plasters on my thigh.
I'm exhausted by the end of the lesson, but miss calls me over to speak to her. Abi looks over at me and I gesture for her to go get changed without me, she does go, but she goes reluctantly. Its just me and the same dance teacher who saw me go all dizzy in dance.
' Tori, are you feeling okay?' I frown at her words.
'Um, Yeah, I'm fine.'
'Well you don't look it.' Well isn't she nice I think.
'In all fairness miss I've just been dancing for 2 hours so I'm not exactly the most attractive person on the planet right now!' She just rolls her eyes.
'You know what I mean tori,' she sounds worried, 'you're really pale at the moment, and you're not yourself.' I bite my lip at this, she can't suss out what's going on, it'll ruin everything!
'Honestly I'm fine miss, I might just be coming down with something, now can I go please?' She sighs and nods, I leave as quickly as my feet will let me, I don't have enough time to change so I just peel off my leggings and pull on my skirt and some pumps instead, I don't even bother with tights. I make it to the school late buses just in time, and luckily Abi's saved me a seat. She looks me up and down and says simply,
'What did miss want?' I roll my eyes at her bluntness, she might sound horrible but really, abi is one of the nicest and most caring people I've ever met!
'She's worried about me for some reason,' Abi raises an eyebrow,
'Tell me, everything...' I laugh
' Okay, miss was worried cos I had a got dizzy and collapsed last dance lesson and according to her I'm pale and not myself.'
' YOU COLLAPSED!! Why am I always the last to find out these things?!' I roll my eyes at that and give her a brief run down of everything that happened.
' now can we change the subject?' Luckily abi understands I'm not comfortable talking about this anymore and she changes the subject, but I know it will be brought up again soon. I just wish everyone would stop worrying about me.
