Finding Myself

In my thoughts

The door bell rings minutes after I hang up on Tommy. Shay gets up, then I notice what she's wearing. She's wearing a pair of really short volleyball shorts and a muscle-t that's been cut up. Her hair is tied up into one of her usual messy buns and she has no makeup on. I sneak my way downstairs to see who is it, it's Tommy. He pushes Shay out the way, "Where is she"? "In a safe place, leave her alone Tom she doesn't want you," Shay responds grabbing his arm. He spots me on the steps, "Come here." He grabs my waist slightly aggressive. I close my eyes and enter my thoughts, then feel his lips against mine. His lips aren't as soft as Shay's, hers were sweet like cherries. He smells like body spray and chocolate. I finally force myself my out of the kiss, "Listen, I think I need some time to myself to think about things." I walk upstairs behind Shay to pack my stuff. Shay cracks the door behind me and grabs me by my waist. This time I don't pull back, I lean in closing the space between us. Her hands grab my butt, rubbing back and fourth on it. I slightly open my eyes and see Tommy walking up the stairs. I push her away before he can see, "What the fu-," I cut her short by covering her mouth and start packing my stuff. I grab my things and head out, Tommy drives me home. I felt it was he most awkward ride I've ever experienced in my life. I am about to step out the car when Tommy grabs my arm, "I want you to know something, I want you and only you okay?" I give a small nod of my head then get out of there. Did I want him or her? Gosh they both are amazing but Tommy makes my chest feel like caving in and Shay makes my stomach fill with butterflies. For the next couple of days I stayed home not replying to any of their texts or calls. Gosh I was miserable they had my mind all messed up. I don't think I want her, I shouldn't should I? She was amazing in every single way including all her flaws she was still perfect. Finally the day has come, the day I go to the cabin with them. I pick up my phone as my mom walks in, "Are you hungry?" "No thanks mom I'm good," I sigh looking up at her. "What's wrong banana you never aren't hungry?" I just say "nothing," and move on with my life. Damn it, I don't just feel butterflies when I'm around her I feel the whole zoo, she's the reason for my happiness. I finally give in and text her "Come over with some clothes for two weeks packed." I forward the message to Tom and then proceed to get up and pack. The cabin kind of wasn't a cabin it was more of a mansion with a pool and hot tub in the backyard. I put the last of my things in my bag as Shay walks in, "Uh hey B," she says. "Hey," I respond after seconds or maybe even minutes of silence. Then Tommy walks in, "Ladies," he says. No response. Maybe I should have said something because we have a long car ride ahead of us but yet I let the silence continue. Me and Shay just sit there and look at each other, I can see the hurt and fire in her eyes.