Joshua Bam Bam Brown: Collection of Short Alaskan Bush People Fan Fics

The Loss Part One

Staring at the wall, you try to find the words to tell him. Your eyes close tight, your fists clench. You try to think of what you could have done differently. What you should have done differently. But you were so careful this time. Maybe that's what was wrong. Maybe you were too careful. But it doesn't matter. Nothing could bring this baby back. Nothing can bring either of your babies back.

You open your eyes as Bam walks through the door to the clinic, his jaw set, already expecting the news. His blue eyes meet yours and you don't have to say anything. He knows. Before your tears start to fall, he is there. He is on his knees in front of your chair, his arms around your waist and his head on your stomach.

"Are you OK?" He is always so concerned about you. He has never stopped loving you and you hurt deeply for him. For what you can't give him. You are so tired. So tired of hoping and dreaming. So tired of wishing and planning. Only to lose everything. You nod your head. It's too much of an effort even to speak.

Bam helps you stand and holds you tight as you walk from the clinic. The doctor has told you that you can try again. There should be no reason you can't try again. But when he said those words, it was like he was saying your babies didn't even matter. You feel so alone and your heart hurts so much.
"Let's go get something to eat before we head back." Bam strokes your hair as he speaks. His smile is weak, like it may disappear at any minute. But he will keep it there for as long as you need it.

Sitting at the small diner, you stare out the window as Bam looks down at the menu. "What would you like to eat?" He asks, looking at you carefully. He starts to lay down the menu to reach for you, and because you know your husband so well, you quickly slide your hands off the table and put them in your lap. Bam frowns, recognizing that you don't even want him to touch you. His touch has always been the one thing that makes you feel better. His strong arms around you have been able to soothe any hurt and bring you a comfort like no other. But now, you can't let him touch you. If he touches you now, you may just fall apart. You don't think you can face him yet so you keep looking out the window at the busy street.

"It doesn't matter. You pick something." You finally say without looking at him. The scene outside the window begins to look dim to you. It feels like the edges of the world are fading away. But you don't care. Fading away feels like the best thing you could do right now. You reach down and touch your empty middle and the loneliness overwhelms you again.

When the food comes, you take a few bites but when your fork stops in mid-air, you know you can't take another bite. Bam reaches out and takes the fork from your hand and twines his fingers with yours.
"Please talk to me." He pleads, holding your fingers so tightly that you have to look at him.
"What is there to say?" Your words are a whisper.
"Say you love me." Bam is the only man you know who can show anger and love on his face at the same time.
"You know I love you, Bam. But I just need a little time." You pull your hand from his and turn your head back to the window and try not to think of anything at all. Bam sits still for a few minutes, then stands up and takes your hand. He believes if he can keep touching you, eventually things will work out. It has always worked in the past, but this time, you don't feel anything when he touches you. You don't feel a thing and it scares you that you don't even care that you don't feel anything.

Walking down the narrow street to the small hotel you are staying for the night, you let Bam put his arm around you. It feels like a stranger is holding you, but you let him do it to make him feel better. You move sluggishly up the steps to the hotel and down the short hallway to your room. As Bam slides the key card, you are suddenly distracted by laughing and whispers coming from down the hallway. As you watch, two toddlers come running and giggling down the hall. Your heart slams in your chest. Those should be your babies! Their dark curly hair is so much like Bam's that a hoarse moan escapes your lips.

Bam turns suddenly at the sound. He sees the running children and sees the anguish on your face. He pushes the room door open and pulls you inside. Slamming the door behind him, he stands watching you. Your heart is still pounding in your chest and suddenly you are so angry. You throw your purse on the bed and swing around to face Bam.
"What am I doing wrong?" You practically yell at him. Confusion clouds his face for a moment. He isn't sure what to say or do.

"What do you need?" He finally asks.
"What do you mean?" You don't understand his question and you don't know why he is asking you that.
"Whatever you need, I will do it." Bam's throat works as he struggles with his emotions. "I will leave you alone or I will stay with you every minute." He can't keep away from you any longer and moves close to hold you. "But they were my babies, too." He says through the tears that he can't stop from flowing. Your head jerks up from his shoulder and your eyes meet his.
"Oh, Bam." You reach up and take his glasses off so you can see his eyes. "I am so sorry. Yes! They weren't just my babies. They were our babies." You were so lost in your grief that you couldn't see what he was going through. As you hold his face in your hands, the dimness begins to lift a little. You still need a little more time, but you aren't alone. You don't have to struggle by yourself.

Bam rubs his forehead against yours. "I know it will be hard, but don't shut me out. We need each other now more than ever."
As Bam moves his hands over your body, touching you gently, lovingly, you relax into his touch. His strong arms begin to soothe your hurt and bring you a comfort like no other.