Joshua Bam Bam Brown: Collection of Short Alaskan Bush People Fan Fics

The Loss Part Two

Staring at the wall, you tried to think of the right words to express how you felt. Your eyes were wide open, your hands loose in your lap, waiting. The last thing you ever wanted to do was to cause him grief. But after losing two babies, you didn't want Bam to be in the delivery room with you if anything went wrong. It hurt him not to be there, but you told him it would hurt you even more if he was there. The sun was shining and you could feel the warmth on your face through the glass. That was a good sign.

Both of you were careful again this time. Bam made sure you didn't work too hard around the cabin or even laugh too hard. Anything that may have hurt the baby, he wouldn't let you do. He was a stubborn man and you learned long ago that when his mind was set, the best thing to do was to smile and agree. Even when you made love, he was so very cautious. It broke your heart a little that he was so tentative with you, but you loved him even more for wanting to make sure nothing went wrong. Everyone in the family was nervous and concerned for you both and you tried to hide your fear, but Bam saw. He could always see through your false smile that covered your mouth like a mask.

"It's time." You told him when the pains first began. The doctor was very clear that with the very first pain, you were to come to the hospital in Juneau and be admitted.
"Let's not worry until we have to." Bam told you as you began crying, your nerves raw with fear.
"I can't help but worry." Your tears wouldn't stop. "This is the furthest along we have gotten and I'm scared to death."
Bam placed his hands on your stomach and showed you the smile that made you fall in love with him all those years ago.
"I won't let you worry over this. If the good Lord wants us to have this baby, we will." He laid his head on your stomach and rubbed gently. "And I believe we will come home with a beautiful, healthy baby."

You wanted so much to share his confidence. He was always confident and it baffled him that you couldn't feel the same way. But the darkness that had surrounded you since your second loss was still there. The emptiness that had haunted you for the past year was still clutching at your heart. You wanted to "feel better" like everyone told you to. And you had long since stopped telling people how you really felt whenever they asked how you were doing. The shocked look on their faces and the shifting of their eyes told you that they really didn't want to know the truth. So you lied to them all. You told them you were fine and getting better every day. But Bam always saw the truth in your eyes.
~~~~~~
You looked over at Bam as he walked through the door to your hospital room. He was carrying a small bouquet of blue forget-me-nots. Your hand flew to your mouth as they made you remember your first date with him. Bam had gathered the small blooms all throughout your walk and presented you with a full bouquet at the end of the afternoon, their stems wrapped with the long grasses he had found along the way. He knew they were your favorite. He never forgot.

His eyes moved to the small bed pulled up beside your larger one. The little bed was empty save for a small white pillow resting on the sheet.
"How are you feeling?" He always wanted to know the truth. It hurt him when you held him at a distance with your polite answers.
"Tired and very sore."
"What do you need?" You understood his question this time and you looked briefly out the window at the busy street below.
"I just need to get up and walk for a bit." Turning back to him, you reached for his hand and let him slowly pull you up from the bed. He was still very careful with you and you tried not to cry but he saw your tears. He was always watching you so he always saw.
"Wait." He stopped pulling on you and let you sit back down on the bed.
"No, I'm fine. Let's walk." You needed to do this. You needed for him to do this with you.

Bam helped you to stand and held you around the waist as you walked from your hospital bed to the wide door. Neither of you looked at the small empty baby bed as you walked past.
"Which way do you want to go?" He asked.
"This way." You point to your left and began to ease your way down the hall, Bam close beside you. As you neared the door marked "Nursery", you hesitated. Your heart began to pound and you leaned heavily on Bam's arm. He held you up as he felt you tremble.
"Let's go back the other way." He urged tenderly.
"No." You looked at him with confusion in your eyes. "Don't you want to see her?"

Bam's face froze and with a lurch in your heart, you realized. The doctor who was supposed to talk with him - didn't.
"Oh, Baby!" You grabbed Bam around the neck and pressed your forehead to his shoulder. "I'm so sorry! The doctor said he would tell you before you came in to see me." Bam still hadn't spoken and you couldn't feel his arms around you. You pulled back to look at him and his eyes were full of tears and his mouth was trembling and when he dropped his head, his body sagged. It was your turn to hold him up while he cried and trembled.

"She's fine, Bam." You finally felt his arms go around you and you held each other and cried tears of relief and joy. "She's perfect. She just needs to meet her Daddy."