Chapter Fifteen
I didn’t sleep at all that night, knowing she was so close, probably doing the same as me crying, but all the same knowing I was the one who had caused it, it didn’t matter how much I wanted to go out there, take her in my arms, tell her it was all going to be okay, I just couldn’t. Because I didn’t know if it was all going to be okay, I couldn’t promise her that.
I know I had put the knife in, but surely what I said was inevitable. I didn’t want to break up with her, I couldn’t imagine anything worse, but we couldn’t carry on the way it was going. She was living her dream I understood that, I was living mine. What right did we have to get in the way of each others own ambitions?
Those kind of thoughts circled around my head all night, not really knowing what today held, I reluctantly dragged myself from bed, surprised that Cheryl was still asleep on the sofa, it was mid morning now and the sunlight was creeping through the window, maybe she didn’t get much sleep last night either.
Feeling very lost, I lazily made a cup of tea and sat at the kitchen counter. Head in my hands, everything was such a mess now. I half wanted Cheryl to wake up, half didn’t. We had to talk and sort something out one way or another today, whether she wanted to or not.
I didn’t have to wait for long for her to awake, I don’t think she realised I was in the kitchen, when she walked in she flinched slightly, as if seeing me returned all the pain of last night. I hated that.
“I guess we need to talk then,” I was surprised to hear the words come from her mouth, she was never normally the one to approach the problem straight away.
“I guess we do,” I agreed, putting my head back in my hands.
“Well after you said you want to break up with me, I think we do,” she replied bluntly.
I looked up, her eyes staring back at me, the eyes that I was so used to seeing filled with love and passion, instead they were filled with venom, like she completely despised me. “I don’t want to break up with you Cheryl, I just said it heat of the moment,” I tried desperately.
She scoffed, “Funny way of showing it. But maybe you’re right, because it really isn’t working anymore,” she said in the same, hurt and angry tone.
“I think, we just want different things,” I said simply.
“Do you not want me anymore then?” She asked a little more softly.
I looked up at her again, my heartbreaking, “of course I do,” She sniffed loudly, turning around, trying to make it look like she was washing up. Cheryl never washed up. “I just think you’ve got this amazing opportunity, I don’t want to ruin all that for you,” I said softly to her back.
“But -,” she stuttered slightly, “but I love you,” before turning around once again to face me, tears streaming down her face.
“I love you to, how could I not?” I asked, tears now pouring out my eyes.
“Then why are we doing this?” She asked, shouting almost.
I didn’t answer for a bit, instead burying my head in my hands once again, the sound of her sob’s and mine too much to bear. “Because it’s not all about love anymore is it?” I eventually answered.
“Right, well because it’s all my fault isn’t it? Because I got a career break?” She asked, sarcastically.
“No Cheryl, it’s not just that. It’s everything; I just don’t see us recovering. You say you trust me, but you can’t, not really and I’m getting just as bad, I’m becoming something that I don’t like. I don’t want to be the old girl at home, who’s ringing you night and day because I don’t know where you are. You don’t deserve that Cheryl, you deserve your freedom, I feel like I have to let you go,” I sobbed.
“But, I don’t know how to live without you,” she cried. “You’ve been like my whole life, you are my whole life,” she said desperately.
I shook my head, causing the tears to fall more freely, “I’m not, not anymore anyway, you have other things now, which is perfectly alright, I just don’t think we can carry on,”
She didn’t argue, she just bit her lip, after five years, I knew it was an attempt to stop herself crying, but it didn’t really work, “I can’t believe this is happening, I can’t believe we’re ending, I didn’t think we’d ever end,” she said sadly, in between her sniffs.
“Neither did I,” I agreed, sobbing. “Just ever since that night, at the club, I realised I’m not cut out for that kind of ‘celebrity’ life, for the past two weeks you’ve had two lives Cheryl, one here, one out there. It’s not fair on either of us,”
“I know I have, I just thought we’d get through it,” she said quietly.
“We can’t just mull along pretending things are okay when there not, I think you will be happier this way,” I said, attempting and failing to wipe away my tears.
She shrugged, still crying. We stayed in silence for a while; the only sound that I could hear was Cheryl’s soft snuffling and Buster running around the kitchen, begging for attention, I didn’t have the emotional energy to give it to him.
“ I mean how’s this going to work out? There is so much to sort out,” she said suddenly, her voice clearer now, her tears subsided.
“I – I don’t know, I haven’t thoug-,” she cut me off before I could finish.
“Well, I’ll leave, I can afford a hotel for now, before I look for somewhere more temporary,” she said, not looking at me, it was more like she was thinking out loud.
“Cheryl, you don’t have to move out-,” she cut me off yet again,
“I don’t have to move out?” She repeated, finally looking at me, “how would this work exactly with us both living here?” She said, almost laughing.
She had a valid point , I just hadn’t contemplated everything yet. I was so stupid; did I think I’d suggest breaking up with her and expect her to live here as if nothing was going on?
“Well?” She asked again, shaking me from my thoughts in my swirling head.
“I – I don’t know,” I said, putting my head in my hands.
“Well I’ll let you know what I’m going to do shall I? I’m going to make a call, get in a hotel for a few weeks, pack the first of my things and get out of here, happy?” With that she stormed out the kitchen, not giving me a chance to say anything. I couldn’t believe she had just gone from an emotional wreck like me, to that in a matter of moments, although I knew this was just Cheryl’s way of dealing with things.
The thought of life without Cheryl was becoming scary, but this had gone to far now surely, she wasn’t even upset anymore just angry at me, to be honest, who could blame her?
